Well, sir you’ve done it now. You took a stance, altered a position, or voiced an opinion. I’m sure you listened to your advisors and exercised your best judgment. And did people listen to you and nod sagely at your wisdom? They did not. They howled. Yes, indeed they did. You went from Jesus the Savior to Pontius Pilot’s skankier older brother in about two weeks. Some of this from your most fervent supporters, too! Goodness! The blogosphere exploded; you made a few people very happy and a few more very unhappy, sir. And in so doing, you learned a valuable lesson – one most politicians have to learn and relearn and relearn again. In case you missed it, let me reinforce: From now on – for the rest of your life (or at least the end of your second term of office) - you are never going to know who your friends are. Sir, you need me. Senator – you need to buy a dog.
Now, ordinarily, I charge for this type of consultation work, but this one is on the house. As an Illinois resident and long-time supporter, just think of this as one more campaign contribution.
My usual iron-clad advice to first time dog owners is simple: No Working Dogs, no Herding Dogs and absolutely no Terriers. But this is a Special Circumstance, so I’m going to waive that rule. ‘Cause you see, for you, choosing a dog isn’t going to be easy. It’s not only going to be your companion, your "ace boon-coon buddy," it’s. . . it’s. . . . a Symbol. Yes, a symbol of your candidacy AND your presidency. Now, some people may think that’s a little silly. But the family canine is as least as important as, say . . . wearing a lapel pin fashioned after Old Glory. That’s pretty silly too, isn’t it? Silly, but powerful. So we need to keep all our options on the table.
Options are important, don’t you think?
Just so you know, the reason why I don’t recommend certain breeds, indeed sometimes whole groups of dogs is, they are not for the novice owner. Remember President Reagan’s first First Dog? Yeah, big Bouvier des Flanders – a herding dog. President had no control over that animal. What would that say about your presidency? Can you hear the snark from the Right? "Man can’t handle his own dog – how the hell can he be Commander in Chief?"
And what about the current First Canine? A Scottish Terrier. Now, "Scotties" have a reputation, even among terriers – they have no problem letting you know that they are smarter than you are. (In the current situation, that’s probably quite accurate). But, Senator I don’t think you’d be comfortable with a dog that treats his Human with none too thinly veiled contempt.
There’ll be plenty of people around for that.
Let’s discuss some possibilities.
This is a German Shepherd Dog. (as a matter of fact, it’s my German Shepherd, but that’s beside the point)
http://i186.photobucket.com/...
The point is, this may be a very good choice for you. GSD’s are intelligent, aloof with those for whom they do not greatly care, but ferociously devoted to those for whom they do. And it makes a nice statement, doesn’t it? It says you're tough and fearless; just the dog for the 2nd–Amendment-friendly, death-penalty-for-child rapists kind of guy you are.
Whoa. I see a problem. The Secret Service might not take too kindly to your having a guardian who is as lethal as they are. They might show a peak of pique. Then too, when I say GSD’s are fiercely devoted to Their Chosen Person, I’m not just jackin’ around. On the day when Pakistan screws up and launches 10 kilotons towards India, and China responds, and then Russia mobilizes. . . and the Secret Service shows up to hustle you into the bunker, "Right now, sir!", your GSD may take umbrage at that. That could go ugly in a fast direction.
And how would that headline look in the WaPo: "Secret Service Kills Presidential Companion"
So maybe not. Let’s keep looking.
Here’s an idea:
A Standard Poodle. Nice, clean, hypo-allergetic Standard Poodle.
Now stop that sniggering. Underneath that ridiculous bouffant is the 2nd most trainable dog in the world. Alert and athletic; a superb water dog. You like to swim, right Senator? I’ve talked to your pals from the East Bank Club, they say you’re a regular dolphin. So here’s a good companion for that activity! They get a bad rap from the ‘do, but believe me they’re tougher than people know. Why, a few years ago a guy ran the Iditarod – with a team of Standard Poodles. He didn’t win, but hey? They got through it, which is enough.
Uh, oh. I can see a downside here. YouTube Video: "The President Walks His Poodle"
The Presidential Poodle.
How . . . elitist. How . . . pussy. Not a good visual. Let’s move on.
Let us tarry a moment in the world of Toy Dogs. Affectionate little space-savers. Just pop one in a Sherpa bag, and he’s ready for a ride on Airforce/Marine One with no problem.
How 'bout a nice Pekingese?
Hmmmm. You remember that crisis with India, Pakistan, China and Russia? Vlad Putin stops in at the White House for a few days of intense negotiations. I see you sitting in one of the side chairs in the Oval with Vlad. Vlad gazes into the adorable shoe-button eyes of the First Dog – and snickers. Vlad has a dog. Vlad’s dog doesn’t look like a Tribble.
Probably not a good way to win respect from world leaders.
Here we go, the perfect choice! Sure to win you all kinds of points from the latte-drinking-Birkenstock-and unbleached-cotton wearing-hybrid-driving-animal-welfare- crowd. Adopt a retired racing Greyhound. Brilliant!
Gentle, affectionate, low maintenance. And they're tall and lean and elegant, much like yourself, sir. Born to do one thing – run like the blazes after a mechanical rabbit.
Oh, wait. Image problem here. For every failed initiative, every policy set-back (and there are gonna be a few), the Pundits are gonna mutter: "Yeah, the President is just like his dog – runs like hell and never gets the job done."
You’re gonna need to catch the frakkin’ rabbit most of the time.
Okay, I’ve got it! A can’t miss choice!
Senator, you need a Golden Retriever!
Now, who couldn’t love this? Just keep a can of tennis balls next to the world’s most photographed houseplant behind the Resolute Desk, and you’ll never go wrong. A good choice, a great choice! A safe, reliable, reassuring choice.
A . . . "centrist" choice?
Hmmm. We may want to re-think this.
See? I told you it wasn’t going to be easy. Get a dog, Senator. I’ve given you my ideas, now exercise your own best judgment. Somebody’s gonna be pissed no matter what decision you make.
But you know you'll always have one good friend.