Dear Senator Obama,
Hey champ, how's it going? Why don't you just take a knee for a moment. I know your engrossed in a general election battle that's about as dirty as a pair of leather chaps in Sturgis. I know you have a cast of thousands supporting you in your bid to be President of these glorious United States. I know you have a wife and two beautiful children to tend after. I know.
But...I thought we had something special.
I thought when our eyes met, it meant something. I thought we made a connection that August afternoon that was eternal. The sheer, unadulturated energy of blowing out a million birthday candles paled in comparison to the burst of energy when I shouted my very first "YES WE CAN!"
Because I knew it was true. But here I am, just a big pile of mess on a Thursday morning, waiting in a pool of my own tears. You said you'd text me with your choice for Vice President and you haven't and now I'm just a LITTLE unsure about where this partnership is going to go. I just can't do this waiting game any more Barack, I'm too old for this! I'm ready to settle down and do needlepoint while I pet my gold bar.
I need to hear from you today or...or...I'll do something we both regret. Yeah, you heard me, I'd vote for Bob Barr! No no, I'm not even going to vote progressive in this election. I'm going to vote the ultimate in neo-conservative politics, YOU MADE ME THIS WAY. YOU DID THIS!
Oh...oh...Obama, please....those were just words, I didn't mean it! Puts on Obama yarmulke SEE! Its okay! Shhhhhhh. Just, text me okay? Don't leave me hanging.
Do you want to hit the Applebee's Salad Bar later? I have a coupon.