Going through my mail, I noticed an official looking piece of mail which clearly stated 'Poll'. My initial thought was that it was my Colorado primary mail-in ballot. Upon opening it, I started laughing immediately and the top of the poll stated (all caps) REPUBLICAN SENATE LEADERSHIP SURVEY. Of course, these things are nothing more than a plea for a contribution, but I read the poll anyway. More hilarity ensued. I was thinking I would actually complete and return this, but then thought it would be more appropriate to share with my fellow kossacks. Follow me below the fold for my "answers" to this "poll".
The poll was preceded by a two page letter. Some highlights.
Dear friend, your immediate attention is required on a confidential and time-sensitive matter.
(snip)
I must find out - as soon as possible - where loyal grassroots Republicans like you stand on the most important issues facing our nation today
(snip)
We MUST IMMEDIATELY start to plan our 2008 strategy to retake the Senate, recruit candidates, help them form competitive campaigns and raise the funds they will need to win - because, as I'm sure you've already noticed, 2008 is a Presidential Election Year
(snip)
Sincerely, Senator John Ensign
NRSC Chairman
So far so good, but calling me a loyal grassroots Republican is a bit of a stretch. I've been a registered Democrat since my first national election in 1972. And Senator, if your organization is just now starting to plan for 2008, I've got news for you. The election is in less than 90 days. As to 2008 being a presidential election year, yes, I noticed, especially when I was an Obama delegate to my county convention.
Now for the poll (I'll skip some question for brevity). After asking for some demographic information we get right into PART 1, General Questions.
- In general, are you pleased with the job President Bush is doing.
No
- Which issues are most important for President Bush and the Republican Party to focus on this year? (Followed by the options of Very Important/Somewhat Important/Not Important
Reauthorizing tax cuts You know, I never thanked Bush for my tax cut. It totalled $4.00 every two weeks
Stabilizing Iraq Well, Bush/Cheney de-stabilized Iraq so I guess we owe them a bit of stabilization
Energy policy Very important, why haven't Bush and congressional Repubs done anything for the last 7 years?
Healthcare see above
Stem Cell Research see extended answer later
Congressiona Ethics reform Very important, can we start by throwing out about 90% of them?
PART 2, Economic Agenda
- Do you agree with liberal Democrats who want to repeal and reverse President Bush's tax cuts? Abso-fucking-lutely. By the way, the Democrats simple are going to allow the upper income tax cuts to expire, which is a bit different than repeal/reverse
- How important is a balanced budget? Very important. See Clinton, Bill
PART 3, Retirement Security
- Hillary Clinton is calling Senate Democrats to push a passage of measures to institute government-run healthcare. Do you support efforts to give government control of your healthcare costs and choices? Yes, it seems to work for my mother with Medicare. By the way, nice of you to get Hillary's name in here, she is scary!
PART 4, Homeland Security
- Should foreign terrorists caught in the future or currently being held in U.S. detainment facilities be given the same legal rights and privileges as U.S. Citizens? Yes, I believe so. Apparently, so does the Supreme Court
Part 5, Foreign Policy
- Do you believe Senate Democrats should be allowed to dictate who President Bush chooses as the United States Ambassador to the United Nations? Yes, it's called 'Advise and Consent', you can look it up
- Can we "win" the war in Iraq and establish a stable government that does not harbor and support terrorists or and the Democrats right to call for us to give uup, and cut-and-run? Allowable answers: We can win; We need to cut-and-run. As an honorably discharged veteran who served during Vietnam, fuck you
- Do you believe that the U.S. should use any-means-necessary to stop Iran from developing and possessing nuclear weapons? Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb, Iran
PART 6, Family Agenda
- Do you believe every American should have access to quality healthcare? Yes. It's too bad that Bush/McCain and the entire Republican party don't, but what the hell.
Part 7, Social Issues
- Do you support a Consitutional Amendment to protect traditional marriage -- between a man and a woman? No, I think anyone who wants to get married should be allowed to. You know, kinda like it says in that outdated piece of paper, what was it? Something about everyone being created equal.
- Do you support President Bush's ban on human cloning? Yes, this will probably be the last answer you get that you'll like.
- Do you support allowing scientists to "manufacture" and destroy human embryos for the purpose of extracting stem cells for research? Yes. By the way, nice use of the scary terms "manufacture" and "destroy", way to hit us in the gut. Now here's one for you. My mother suffers from AMD, macular degeneration, which means she is going blind. She is 87 and chief among her many pleasures is reading. Probably within two years or so, I will be going over to her house to read to her. By the way, did you catch the article in Newsweek several weeks ago that stem cell research shows great potential to stop, and even possbily reverse AMD?
PART 8, Future of the Republican Party
- Have Democrats won a national mandate to raise taxes and dictate foreign policy to President Bush for the remainder of his term? Yes, it's called an election (at least when it isn't stolen, or given away by a few activists judges.
- Do you believe the Republican Leadership in Congress needs to listen more closely to grassroots Republicans on issues such as spending, ethics and immigration reform? No, I believe they should listen to ALL Americans. I think they're going to get a massive wake up call in November
- Can the Republican Party hope to regain control of Congress without the support and activism of folks like you? I'm a Democrat you idiots
- Will you help build a strong foundation of Republican grassroots support to ensure the future of the Republican Party and the conservative ideals and principles that we champion? Let me think. Bush has trashed the consitution, illegally invaded another country, broken international and US law through the use of torture, filled the government with unqualified political hacks, given massive tax cuts to the already obscenly wealthy, presided while the economy went in the tank and gas went to $4.00 a gallon and personally caused the death of more Iraqi's than Saddam even dreamed about, destroyed the US reputation around the world and lied every time he opened his mouth. The check is in the mail.
I was thinking of sending them a check for $0.01, attached to a brick so they would have to pay the postage, but it just ain't worth the effort.
Hope you got an occasional chuckle from this.