I wrote this as a comment and it was suggested that I do a diary. So here goes.
As a middle-aged married woman who supported John Edwards whole-heartedly, I feel sucker-punched in the gut. Not because I'm a moralizing scold, but because people from North Carolina told me he was a phony, and I liked what I heard and decided to follow my gut -- and my gut was wrong.
So be it. He isn't the first politician who lied.
As a middle-aged woman in a long-duration marriage who had the good fortune to meet Elizabeth Edwards at a fundraiser at my home last summer, I feel as if one of my own girlfriends had been betrayed. There's also the element of "If it could happen to her, it could happen to me."
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But if I've learned one thing from being married this long, it's this: Infidelity in all its stripes (and emotional infidelity is just as damaging, often more so, than sexual) is something that changes a marriage forever. But just as every marriage is different, every infidelity -- and the reasons for it -- is different.
Some of us have very good boundaries and we are able to recognize when a situation is becoming inappropriate. We are married, we are not dead. And sometimes, when a marriage is facing a challenge, it's easy for those boundaries to get hazy.
John Edwards is not the first married person to have an affair. And it isn't always men, either. People make mistakes. The chemicals that make up this shell that our psyches live in can do strange things sometimes, and sometimes when your brain is dumping endorphins into your system, it makes you stupid.
Hate John Edwards for being a dumbass if you want. But as for whether this makes him a bad person, that's for Elizabeth to decide, not for us. Marriages can and do survive infidelity. It requires a great deal of work on the part of both people to get past it. The person who cheated as to prove him/herself trustworthy. The person who was cheated on has to decide when s/he is ready to trust again, and whether to CHOOSE to trust -- because trust is a CHOICE.
Yes, Elizabeth has cancer. We don't know the facts about the dates of this affair, but just because a guy cheats on a wife with cancer doesn't necessarily make him evil. It makes him weak and it makes him less of a mensch. And perhaps he deserves our contempt. But you know, marriages are complex...and men aren't good at dealing with crises. And I can see someone's mind racing to OMIGODSHESGONNADIE and just want something to dull that pain. It's a stupid, destructive, counterproductive way to do that, but I can see how it happens.
Politicians have been bait for people enthralled by the famous and powerful for many, many years. Right now we have the challenge of "So how is this different from all the Republicans who have affairs?" I'll tell you how: Because John Edwards has never gone around talking about monogamy and the sanctity of marriage. He's admitted to "discomfort" about gay marriage because of being a Baptist, but he's never called it a threat to straight marriage. He's never been a moralist about fidelity the way Republicans are. This makes it harder to cut him slack about his stand on gay marriage, but there is a definitive difference.
Unfortunately, it's also different because of the IOKIYAR rule, in which Republicans who practice "clean slate Christianity" can get up and say that Jesus has forgiven them. And it's different because of the media, who are going to use this to somehow cast aspersions on Barack Obama, ignoring John McCain's history of infidelity, because that was so YESTERDAY'S NEWS and this is happening now.
At some point maybe we will realize that people are human, that they do stupid things, and that when infidelity happens, it's up to those involved in that marriage to determine how big a transgression it is -- not up to us.
How would I respond if it were me in Elizabeth Edwards' position? I don't know. It would hurt like hell. But I don't know what I would do unless (God forbid) it is. And neither do you know because it isn't you. It's easy to talk about "throw the bum out", but that's all it is -- tough talk.
Every time one of these stories breaks I keep being reminded of the scene from One True Thing in which Meryl Streep Explains It All to Renee Zellweger:
(Fast forward to about 5:46 and then turn the volume up and WATCH.)
This is the single best monologue about why it isn't so cut and dried that I've ever seen. And the longer you are in a marriage the more you understand what Streep's character is getting at here. It's not about being a doormat. It's about understanding the person you spend your life with and knowing the difference between evil and weakness. We all have weaknesses. Sooner or later we all reach that fork in the road where you can do the right thing or the wrong thing. Some of us aren't strong enough to do the right thing. It means we did something reprehensible and stupid and destructive. It doesn't necessarily mean we are evil people.
I see that Elizabeth Edwards has posted a diary here. I thank her for doing so. And now we should all STFU because hers is the only opinion that matters.