I have two internet obsessions: politics and soap operas. They share many traits like outsized personalities, a focus on words more than action, love triangles, shocking twists and long-planned, slow-to-change narratives. The people are hotter on the soaps, but they’re smarter in politics.
Except John McCain. Picking Sarah Palin from relative obscurity, without vetting, is exactly the sort of thing that would happen on a soap opera. Sarah Palin could be Desperate Housewives’ Bree Van De Kamp, plucked from obscurity without vetting because she reads as: solid Republican; woman. But roiling beneath the bullet points is a whole mess of scandal and salacious details.
McCain seems to have picked someone simply because she was a woman, without thought to the qualities he is seeking in a Vice President. I don’t have a problem with him deciding to pick a woman for political reasons. I have a problem with him picking this woman. She is the most unqualified person ever named to a major ticket. There were plenty of female names floated around far more qualified and better prepared for the job. CEOs, senators, other governors. The GOP may not boast the numbers of great women in elected office the Democrats do, there are still some with experience or brilliance enough to make them plausible VPs. Sarah Palin is completely implausible. I wouldn’t buy this on a soap opera.
To prove my point, I have compiled a list of female soap opera characters more qualified for the Vice Presidency than Sarah Palin. (Though some would certainly benefit from the kind of lax vetting Palin received.)
Nora Hanen (Hillary B. Smith, One Life to Live). Nora is a brilliant litigator who has served as District Attorney of Llantano County, Pennsylvania (pop. ~100,000 depending on Head Writers) for several years. She has prosecuted high-profile criminals including Lindsay Rappaport, a two-time murderer, prison escapee and kidnapper. Her anti-terror credentials include the prosecution of a White Supremacist sect who put her in a coma and various serial killers. Jewish, Nora could be an asset with voters in South Florida. Her self-defense killing of her own kidnapper and attacker gives her an impeccable law and order story. Poised with the press, she would be a vigorous campaigner.
Lucinda Walsh (Elizabeth Hubbard, As the World Turns). La Walsh, as she has known, has been the CEO of the multinational conglomerate Worldwide Industries for decades. She has a hard nose for business, knows how to ask the right questions and, like John McCain, can hold a grudge. He stint as ambassador to Montega (and the fact that her daughter is apparently President for Life of this small Caribbean country) gives her a unique perspective on foreign policy. While the drama surrounding the adoption of her daughter, Lily, is a potential liability, that backstory is so convoluted that it would take the press decades to sort it all out. (It involves twins separated at birth, a magical diamond and a whole mess of people named Snyder.) While older than Palin, Walsh projects a gravitas absent from the Alaskan Governor. Her base of support in Oakdale, Wisconsin could turn a solid blue state purple.
Dorian Cramer Lord (Robin Strasser, One Life to Live) From physician to diplomat to CEO, Dorian Lord’s biography is full of the sort of up by your bootstraps individualism the Republican Party claims to favor. After a harsh childhood is Canton, Ohio (swing state!) Dr. Lord put herself through medical school and became Chief of Staff of Llanview Hospital. After her marriage to billionaire magnate Victor Lord, she became a socialite, philanthropist and, later, ambassador to Mendorra. Her stint in the foreign service provided her with a wealth of experience in diplomacy (and a secret daughter). She has also had the experience of a political wife, helping her husband Herb Callison as both DA and Mayor of Llanview. Turning her sights on the business world, she orchestrated to hostile takeover of multinational conglomerate Buchanan Enterprises. She’s finding success in today’s harsh business climate. She could appeal to voters with her own biography and encourage them to trust her Republican ideals to help John McCain restore the economy. Please note: She was acquitted of the murder of her husband, Victor Lord on appeal and Mitch Laurence was found to have faked his death. Thus: not a murderess.
Erica Kane (Susan Lucci, All My Children) International Supermodel, Fortune 500 CEO, Lover of Men, Fierce Mother and All Around Icon, Erica Kane is a Republican success story. Born to an actor and a secretary in Pine Valley, Pennsylvania (swing state!), Ms. Kane, like Barack Obama, knows what it’s like to grow up without a father. Ambitious, Erica turned her success as a fashion model into Enchantment Cosmetics, a Fortune 500 company. While her two stints in prison for kidnapping (honest mistake!) and insider trading (false charges!) would make her a tough sell, she has paid for her crimes and the investigations are closed. This stands in stark contrast to the corruption investigations currently going on in Juneau. While she did obtain the first legal abortion on daytime, the fact that it was later revealed that her doctor lied, stole the fetus and raised it as his own, gives her a strong point of view on the Right to Life issue. Add to this the fact that her first daughter, Kendall, born before she was sixteen, is an adoption success story. Daughter Bianca, a lesbian, taught Erica compassion and gives her a claim to understanding diversity. Erica Kane is a household name who has dated or been married to men from more than five different countries and several swing states, plus a black guy. She knows how to talk to any constituency or foreign leader. Her inspiring life story would make for an amazing video package at the convention. And her ease on the stump and trend-setting fashion would make her a media darling. She has the economic experience, foreign policy experience, electoral draw and game-changing biography that would have made her the perfect running mate for John McCain. No one doubts Erica Kane’s nerves of steel in a crisis. Also, she never supported Pat Buchanan.
Yes, I have just asserted that Erica Kane is more qualified for the Vice Presidency than Sarah Palin. The scary thing is, I’m kind of right.