DISCLAIMER: The following is snark. The interview never occured. All facts and figures are made up.
There's bad news in the financial markets today. Merrill Lynch has been bought out by Bank of America, Lehman Brothers is collapsing, and AIG is also imploding. Now, it occured to me that I don't really know what it is any of these companies do. Bank of America is a bank, obviously, but apparently the others do investing or something. AIG, or American International Group, appears to be involved in insurance, as well as a million other things. To get to the bottom of things, I picked one of these big corporations at random and called them up. After a few false starts, I eventually got in touch with Mr. Jack Waterhouse, Assistant Vice President of Corporate and Business Operations at Lehman Brothers. I spoke to him via satellite phone as he is currently on a ship located somewhere in the North Atlantic. A transcript of the phone call is below.
You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in ONE SENTENCE....what it does....it's illegal.
--Lewis Black
k: Now, Mr. Waterhouse, we've all heard of your company. You've got offices around the world, you're in the Fortune 500 and the Forbes 400, your company is huge. Can you tell us a little about your company and what it does.
JW: Well, Lehman Brothers is a leading provider of both corporate and business services to public and private institutions. We employ over 50,000 associates in offices located in over sixty countries and disputed territories. With a market cap in excess of 25 billion dollars, we are a recognized leader in our industry providing services to no fewer than 300 of the world's largest corporations as well as national and local governments throughout the world.
k: Um... okay... That's pretty impressive, but, I'm still not clear on what it is that your company does.
JW: Well, like I said, we provide services to public and private institutions. Take Tutor and Wager for example. They manufacture national brand household goods such as Palmovaltine and Darnitol for the consumer market. You know, the little people. We, on the other hand, we aim higher. Our customer-partners are other large business conglomerates like Gulf Eastern, Allied Mogul, Burlington Southern Rio Grande, and Plurular Wireless.
k: I see. You mentioned earlier that your company employs over 50,000 people. What kind of work are these people doing?
JW: Well, we employ managers, accountants, administrative assistants, human resource professionals, project managers, mail clerks, executives, customer representatives, a legal staff. Our associates are empowered to synergize to deliver the essential services that our company provides to the global econosphere.
k: So, does your company have any production staff? You know, making stuff?
JW: No, but many of our client-partners are in the manufacturing business. We provide services to several organizations operating in the manufacturing sector.
k: So what exactly is it that these companies pay you for again?
JW: Like I said, we provide essential corporate services to the world's leading conglomerates.
k: Do you clean their offices? Provide communication infrastructure? What then?
JW: No, we are not in the custodial business and we're not a communications provider. I can't make this any more clear.
k: Okay, let me put it to you this way. If your company didn't exist, how would the world be different?
JW: Well, last year, we generated gross revenues in excess of 23 billion dollars. Surely you can imagine the kind of impact that we must have on the world economy. I mean, we have 50,000 employees worldwide. Our success trickles down to each of these 50,000 people and the communities in which they live.
k: So these "corporate services" you provide, is this something illegal you don't want any one to know about?
JW: We don't do anything that is illegal where we are incorporated.
k: And where would that be?
JW: Well, for tax reasons, we are self-incorporated with our headquarters located on a ship anchored in international waters.
k: Wow, I never realized that was an option.
JW: Yes, we found a loophole in international maritime law which we leveraged to our advantage. It basically states that, in international waters, a ship's captain has full sovereign authority over his ship. Our CEO, the designated captain of this vessel, granted Lehman Brothers a corporate charter under that authority. As owners of this ship, we thus pay no taxes to anyone but ourselves, which we claim as income, and are thus not subject to the burdensome federal regulations that stifle growth and innovation of the corporate citizens of the various continental and insular nationalities.
k: So what happens when your ship comes into port?
JW: Well, obviously, Lehman Brothers would lose its corporate charter once we enter the territory of any sovereign nation. So we just stay out here, supplied by helicopters.
k: Just how long have you been on that ship?
JW: Since 1998.
k: I see. Lehman Brothers doesn't really exist, does it?
JW: No. <click>
k: Hello?