Ha! It is I, Vladimir Putin, come to gloat on your capitalist demise. I see your economy failing. I engineer it with cunning and deceit. I just smile and wink at number 43 and send him on his way. I wait. I am KGB. He sees my soul and I laugh loud, totalitarian gauffaws. I say, how you Yankees put it...my barbaric Yawp! Heh, blue jeans and McDonald's, YES, that will fall the Mighty Bear! You have so little understanding of Russian will. I have been working for my rise to power for 30 years, and you with your designer jeans and 'rock' music think to topple my empire. I now laugh at your insignificance. I only make for crops to rot in fields, you make for your money to disappear in thin air. Your money is air, your power is air.
I now tell you how I am smartest man on planet (except for Podhoretz, he is smart, but Jew, throw me off some, but love of conflict is glorious in man!). Soviet Union not fall from Reagan! Soviet Union fall because of me! I control information. I made idiot Gorbachev not know how unpopular he was with ruling class. I made idiot Gorbachev not know how unpopular he was with working class. He fell like brick. Not like man.
Then I wait, and put in puppet. Drunken, weak man to rule. Slave to vodka. Yeltsin could not control, but I controlled Yeltsin. I say each night "Dear commrade, take just one more sip of vodka to ease your nerves before you go to bed." He did! And did you watch nose? Grow like ballon! And then heart-attack. Then I say "Commrade, you are fragile, let people have new leader, so you can rest...your grandchildren." He says, "No! I am like old Bear, only stronger!" Again I wait. He does not die. But at his end he says, "I hand Russia to new Bear: Putin!" That is smart.
I know world. I am KGB. I know what filthy Yankee's do in time of wait. I know of filthy capitalism. America elects a simplton to the greatest command in world. I know now is my time to strike. To advance the Great Bear onto the world and make it mine. Unfortunatly, 9/11 happens. I have to be patient. Almost whole world backs Yankee Bluejeans. But I am KGB, I can wait.
I then number 43 comes to visit and he knows my soul. And Yankee fools believe him. I can wait, and America votes for him again. And I like this fool, he destroys blue jeans and rock-and-roll and McDonalds and I sit and wait. I am patient, I am KGB.
I am now in back seat, but I am still in control. Who is official ruler of the Great Bear it does not matter, it is still me. Americans will not vote for the real power in the past eight years. They are weak little birds. I laugh now at what I see. Complete collapse. The man they love for power is weak. He is POW. All weak leaders in Russia are POW.
He chooses woman for Vice-President. I don't know her, but she know me by proximity. I laugh, I know more about her than the Yankee fools, I am KGB. She loves war, like a man. She doesn't understand that my little skirmish in Georgia is nothing but provocation. She doesn't understand that one day I will be dealing with her. She doesn't understand, me. She doesn't even know who I am and what I am capable of, just like 43 (and just like 44, who is so easy to goad in his anger).
America, Yankees, you are mine. You will make the wrong choice as you have while I was in power. You have not the money (and at the right time I will have my good friends China call in their investments), you have not the troops.
I am Putin, I am KGB, I am patient, and I am the one to say Fuck You Yankee Bluejeans!
Sincerely,
Vladimir Putin (On behalf of President Medvedev)