During my Sixty (very) odd years on Earth, I’ve personally met Jack Dempsey, Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier. Additionally, Rocky Marciano waved in my direction from a slow-moving parade car in Connie Mack Stadium - and I was once in the same room with Jersey Joe Wolcott.
Now, I’m declaring myself Heavyweight Champion of the World.
Here's why...
Oh, I know, you’ve never heard of me and you’re thinking, “what about the Klitschko brothers, or Samuel Peter?” Fine runners-up all, but they never kibitzed with the “Manassas Mauler,” caught a ball game with the “Brockton Blockbuster,” hobnobbed with “Joltin’ Joe,” shared air conditioning with “Jersey Joe” or shouted “hi” to Muhammad.
Still, some people would question my skills and probably call me a pumped-up Lightweight, but that’s what they said about Sarah Palin – until yesterday.
Yesterday was the day Sarah met her Jack Dempsey, AKA Henry Kissinger. Consider these eerie facts:
• Both Dempsey & Kissinger were barely more than Light Heavyweights pitted against Heavyweights.
• Both were in their prime in the early 1920s.
• Dempsey was born William Harrison Dempsey and Kissinger was a member of William Henry Harrison’s cabinet.
• Judge John Sirica (of Watergate fame) was one of Dempsey’s closest friends. As Nixon’s National Security Advisor and Secretary of State, Kissinger knew Sirica all too well.
• Sarah shook hands with Kissinger and I kissed Dempsey (that may be backwards).
The comparisons are downright spooky.
I’m talking Oliver Stone material.
So if you haven’t already figured it out, here’s my airtight argument for claiming the Heavyweight title:
If Sarah Palin can gather the bona fides to be considered a World Political Leader after shouting “hi” to Kissinger, Karzai and Uribe, then I can be World Heavyweight Boxing Champion (or at least Ring Magazine’s Number One Contender) having shouted “hi” to Dempsey, Ali & Frazier
... and my “hi’s” may have been cumulatively longer than Sarah’s “hi’s.”
Now you’re probably thinking, “Sure Wally - impeccable logic and points well taken, but what did you say to the Manassas Mauler that was as profound as what Sarah Palin said to the Saigon Butcher?”
Unfortunately, we’ll never know what words of wisdom passed between Sarah and Henry since Sarah’s handlers didn’t allow the press to cover the event. In fact, the McCain Campaign’s official press release said that Sarah met with somebody named “Kissenger,” probably a clumsy way to keep her meeting with “Kissinger” a State secret. There was video of the event, but I couldn't see Kissinger (or Kissenger) through the liver spots. I can only assume the :45 second conversation went something like this:
Sarah: “I can almost see Karzai’s house from my house!”
Henry: “Dots nice.”
Considering the timed length of their conversation, that would have been pretty much it.
Truth be told, I didn’t even get a lousy snapshot with Dempsey, and I don’t totally remember our own under-a-round conversation. I vaguely remember telling Jack his “hands looked liked catcher mitts.” Whatever I said, he just grumbled something unintelligible back at me. Dempsey’s face, however, was etched into my permanent memory. It looked like a cross between a Cigar Store Indian and a constipated bulldog. The stare-down favored The Champ, but age was in my favor. Dempsey was Sixty years old – I was just Seven.
After my brief weigh-in with Dempsey, my handlers (my parents) physically had to back me off, hence keeping me languishing in the amateurs all these years. The “Manassas Mauler” was mine for the taking - I coulda been somebody – I coulda been a contender - even champ by age seven. That's 13 years younger than Tyson!
But that's all water out of the bucket.
Now that Sarah and I have experienced our requisite :45 seconds of professional seasoning, we’re both ready to take on the World. I’m looking forward to my war with Wladimir Klitschko in January, just as Sarah is looking forward to her war with Vladimir Putin around the same time. We could make it a double-header! The first Dempsey-Tunney fight was held in my home town on September 26, 1926 - it drew 121,000 fans. Together, Sarah and I could draw 6,000,000,000 souls.
Of course, with a crowd that big, getting out of the parking lot may be a problem, especially if the macadam is in a post-thermo-nuclear liquid state.
Where else but America could two total lightweights be crowned Heavyweight Champions of the World?
What a country!