I realize that this is mostly a political blogging site, and this entry doesn't really relate to that, but I really respect the opinions of people on here so I figured "why not?"
For some reason, the phrase "best years of your life" seem to run through my head on a constant basis. I heard people say this about high school, and I wondered why I hated those four years so much. Almost every adult I know has, at one point, assured me that I would have the greatest time of my life in college, but I'm a little over a year in and I find it unbearable.
My freshman year was awful, so much that it is hard to even think about. I've always been a very sensitive person- ultra sensitive, really- and because of this I've found it difficult to cope with the college life. The events of my senior year of high school likely carried over: I fell for a girl (I think) and somehow became friends with her (which always amazed me), but it didn't go beyond that and we aren't in touch any longer. I was utterly miserable that summer, so when it came time to travel all the way across the country to begin my college experience I was hoping for a new beginning. Unfortunately the same thing happened- twice- in that year and I reached a point where I simply could not get over it.
I was entirely honest with my parents, as I usually am, and I got some help over the summer, but as soon as I got back to college I slipped right back into the state that I was in last year. I regrettably mistreated a couple of people last year due to my seemingly uncontrollable frustration, and it may have ended some friendships. The fact that they now ignore me is crushing, as the sense of loss is inescapable.
So now I sit here in my dorm, finding it difficult to "get involved" because I am terrified of meeting new people because I don't want to risk another falling out. I tend to be somewhat of a romanticist, and I'd love to meet a girl that I'm truly compatible with and, more importantly, accepts me for exactly who I am, but this whole thing is mentally and emotionally exhausting! I don't think I'm a bad person at all, but for some reason I just can't take it here, and my grades were so abysmal last year that the notion of transferring is mute... Really what I want to do is go back home to California.
Obviously (to me), my issues stem from relationship troubles. Half the learning that occurs in the college years comes from developing an understanding of other people, the "real world", and how to cope with things, but I seem to be digressing in this area. The fact that I'm constantly surrounded by people who apparently live to get wasted and have sex only makes things worse, probably because one of my former girlfriends (one of the friends who won't talk to me anymore) had a problem with this as she could never get over the fact that I didn't like to party as much as she did. I think my lowest point was when she told me that she was tempted to "hook up" with other guys and ex-boyfriends, and quite frankly I recall nothing that she said afterwards that night because it felt like her words literally punched me square in the nose. She really isn't a bad person, as I made many mistakes as well, but like I said earlier, the sense of loss just kills me.
I'm currently writing a novel based partly on my experiences, as I hope that it will somehow give me some financial stability and allow me to consider other options outside of college, and really, I lay in bed in night hoping that somehow I can help somebody else like me (if that person exists) and prevent them from feeling this way. My dream is to write a few best-sellers, buy a nice house in the beautiful Steinbeck region of California and spend my time travelling, then donate all of the money I don't need.
All I'm really doing here is letting off some steam, again because I love this site and I respect everyone's wisdom and opinions here. It amazes me how I am in a place where I am constantly surrounded by other people, and I even have some close friends, and yet I feel so lonely that it is like I'm the only person left on earth. Anyway, I'm going to do what I can, and thank you all for reading my thoughts. I hope I didn't bring you down too much!