Washington, January 19, 2009 – The Bush Administration this morning issued an executive order directing all federal agencies to adopt the Julian calendar, effective immediately.
The impact of the order would be to shift today’s date from January 19 to January 6, effectively postponing the inauguration of Bush’s successor, President-Elect Barrack Obama, by 13 days.
The Julian calendar has seen declining use since the late 16th century, and has not been used in the United States since 1752, when future US states were still British colonies.
Controversy
Executive branch sources, cited on the condition of anonymity, suggested that the rationale for the order was to enable Presidential operatives, who have reportedly fallen behind schedule in critical exit tasks, to "finish what they have started."
Said the source, "Its taking a lot longer to compile the Presidential pardon list than anticipated, and there are still a lot of documents that need to be ‘permanently classified’ before we can exit all these buildings. I mean, we don’t want to leave behind any stacks of paper – that might pose a fire hazard!"
A Bush Administration spokesman firmly denied these claims, however. "The change was motivated by the President’s vision of restoring American Democracy to a stature comparable to the glory of Rome – which used the Julian calendar."
"Besides," he added, "the Julian calendar was the calendar most of the founding fathers grew up with – before a change was imposed by British occupiers – so the move is philosophically aligned with the President’s conservative philosophy of trying to do things the way the founding fathers might have."
He added, "I really don’t see what the big deal is."
Meanwhile, a spokesperson from the Obama transition team reported that the team was looking into it, and was so far speechless on the matter.
Congressional Reaction
Congressional leaders immediately criticized the move. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D NV) held a press conference in which he pointedly questioned whether Bush issuing the order "was really such a good idea or not."
Reid continued, "I'm not really sure he can do this, though I guess he's already done it. We’ll definitely have to take a look and try to decide how we should consider responding."
Rep. John Conyers (D MI), on the House side, issued a press release within an hour of the Executive Order saying that this made him really, really, really mad, and that this time his Committee would convene within days "to consider the possibility of maybe doing something." The statement added, "This may very well be illegal, and we could very possibly put more subpoenas in the mail."
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi spent the morning in a circus ring filled knee deep with lime jello, wearing a rainbow-collored parrot-suit and improvising Irish jigs - reportedly at the request of AIPAC leaders seeking "a little diverting entertainment" - and was, hence, unavailable for comment.
Administration Denies Charges
When challenged on the legality of the Executive Order, the Administration spokesman expressed extreme frustration.
"Look, I saw the President sign the Executive Order with my own eyes. In doing so, he effectively made it the new law of the land. You tell me how the new law of the land can be illegal."
He continued "I think this whole line of questioning is really about the liberal media coddling terrorists."
The spokesman also noted that court challenges filed in objection to the Executive Order had already been dismissed by judges and justices appointed by the first and second Presidents Bush.
Questions Persist
The anonymous Administration source, however, offered candid details lending credibility to the claim that the outgoing administration is desperately trying to buy more time.
He noted, "It was only recently that the Obama transition team informed the outgoing Administration that they believed the contents of the warehouse attached to Cheney’s undisclosed location were technically federal property and could not be removed."
"A lot of those items were personal gifts from Halliburton to the Vice President, and all those crates of documents are Cheney’s personal notes, protected by executive privilege – except for the material he intends to use in his payback memoirs."
"Its now going to take a lot of work and a lot of time - wasting untold amounts of taxpayer dollars - to sort the whole thing out."
"I mean, what would the federal government want with things like a monumental solid-gold statue of a toga-clad Cheney ascending Mt. Olympus, anyway?"
"The American people wouldn’t care about all this stuff, but some of it does have real sentimental value for Dick."
The source also noted that stories about several hundred suitcases in the undisclosed location warehouse – reportedly stuffed with banded stacks of hundred dollar bills originally earmarked for reconstruction projects in Iraq – were all just part of a big misunderstanding.
"Unfortunately, the full story will have to remain classified, though, in order to protect America from terrorists."
Additional Background
The Julian calendar was the calendar used by most countries in Europe from the time of Julius Caesar up until 1582, when Pope Gregory XIII introduced a new calendar known as the Gregorian Calendar, which is observed by most countries today. To realign the seasons at the time of its issuance, the new calendar skipped 12 days ahead. The difference between the Julian and Gregorian calendars has since grown to 13 days.
By adopting the Julian calendar, The United States joins some Berber tribes of North Africa and many eastern orthodox churches – representing a set of entities comparable in size to "The Coalition of the Willing."