Welcome to another Thriller Thursday, where artist nonnie9999 and I offer the Kula Krew a place to gather for Koffee, Kuddles, and Konversation around a news event from the past week that really, really should have been the plot for a bad Hollywood action movie. In this week's installment, we bring you the Bullshit Artists' production of the classic Pay for Play Company spaghetti Western:
Mmmmhhhh ... I love the smell of popcorn in the morning!
OPENING CREDITS: [Spaghetti Western music] LONG SHOT of a indistinct single figure in the distance, approaching town with a jackass. As they get closer, we recognize the figure as PATTI. The flop-over forelocked jackass next to her is DIRTY ROD. Sounds of cattle lowing and gunfire as HARRY CARAY leads the townsfolk in "Take Me Out to the Ballgame."
PATTI: It looks like an ... interesting place.
DIRTY ROD: Yup.
PATTI: I heard there's always trouble here.
DIRTY ROD: I'll clean it up.
DIRTY ROD P.O.V. SHOT of the town's Main Street. AL and BUGS, each with a dolly of liquor, argue at the Saloon door. At the Cemetery, GANDHI and MANDELA help OLD MAYOR register voters. Standing at the Sheriff's Office is FITZ, suspiciously watching DIRTY ROD. BOY in Blacksmith's Shop is shoeing a horse. GIRL in front of General Store idly twirls a parasol while waiting for her MOM. CAT beneath Saloon boardwalk is asleep. FITZ steps into the street.
FITZ: We don't need any more trouble here.
PATTI: Oh, he isn't coming to make trouble. He's coming to clean up the town.
FITZ: [To ROD] Is that so?
DIRTY ROD: Yup.
FITZ: And what's your name, stranger?
DIRTY ROD: Blagojevich.
FITZ: What'd you call me?
DIRTY ROD: Blagojevich.
AL: [To BUGS] What'd he say?
BUGS: Bla-somethin'or-other.
FITZ: So okay, Man With No Name. I'll let you go for now, but I'll have my eye on you.
DIRTY ROD: Watch everything I do. Heck, you can tape it.
PATTI: [Whispers to ROD] It's the old west, dear. They don't have tapes yet.
DIRTY ROD: You write it all down. I'll be a hero.
SOUND of AL and BUGS arguing swells.
AL: [To BUGS] I told you, I run the liquor here!
BUGS: You call that liquor? Goat pee has more alcohol than the crap you're selling!
AL: At least my guys don't make it by mixing paint thinner and molasses.
BUGS: And now you’re givin' away our family recipe? Why I oughtta....
DIRTY ROD: [Approaching] That'll be about enough.
BUGS: Butt out, newcomer. This is our town.
DIRTY ROD: Not anymore it's not. It's my town now. My town, my state, my country, my world.
PATTI: [Whispers to FITZ] Ignore him. He's always been full of himself.
FITZ: [Whispers back] He's about to be full of lead.
BUGS: Nobody takes over our town, Nobody.
DIRTY ROD: It's No Name. And you gonna back up that talk, or is that all you do here ... talk?
CUE SUSPENSE MUSIC as DIRTY ROD and BUGS square off, with MONTAGE: BOY in the Blacksmith's Shop puts down the horse shoe. GIRL outside General Store dashes in and clings to MOM. CAT beneath Saloon boardwalk meows and dashes into the dark.
BUGS: [Reaches for his gun] Time to welcome you like we did in the Old Country.
DIRTY ROD: [SLOW-MO DRAW] Fuck! Fuck-fuck!
BUGS: [Crumples to street, clutching his bleeding ears] Al! He got me!
GANDHI: [Approaching with MANDELA] We got another voter.
MANDELA: [Looking at ROD] He's a hero.
AL: [To ROD] Good work, newcomer. Here, let me show you my appreciation. [Hands over a wad of bills.]
DIRTY ROD: [Big smile as he takes the bills] My kinda town, this place is.
CUT TO SALOON INTERIOR WITH KYRON "Weeks later."
BARKEEPER: I'm sorry, Al. I just can't.
AL: Who else you gonna buy from?
BARKEEPER: There's a guy I know....
AL: [Leaning in] You don't know no guys, y'hear? You buy from me or you buy from nobody.
BARKEEPER: [Nods] That's the guy, actually.
AL: Huh?
BARKEEPER: Nobody. The Man With No Name.
AL: [Idea dawns] Ohhh ... that ... traitor!
BARKEEPER: He makes Bugs' brew just like the old family recipe, Al. It's better'n yours. Folks say they don't go blind half as fast.
AL: [Face reddens] That ... thief....
BARKEEPER: I gotta be honest, Al. The people goin' blind, they don't tip the strippers near as much.
AL: [Yelling] Enough! I'll take care of this Nobody. And then I'll take care of you!
DIRTY ROD: [Appearing in Saloon doorway] You'll take care of nobody, Al.
AL: You got a hearin' problem, newcomer? That's what I just said.
DIRTY ROD: My ears work fine, Al. But yours won't if you don't walk out of here, quiet and peaceful.
AL: Nobody talks to me like that, Nobody.
DIRTY ROD: It's No Name. And let's settle this outside.
CUT TO EXTERIOR as DIRTY ROD and AL square off, with MONTAGE: BOY in Blacksmith's Shop shrugs and puts down horseshoe. GIRL outside General Store dashes inside and catches MOM kissing STOREKEEPER. CAT beneath Saloon boardwalk hisses as it hurries to finish peeing before dashing into the darkness.
AL: [Opening violin case] Let me introduce you to a Tommy gun, stranger.
DIRTY ROD: [SLOW-MO DRAW] Fuck! Fu-fu-fu-fu-fuck!
AL: [Collapses to street with ears bleeding] Damn, that's even faster than a Tommy gun.
BARKEEP: Good riddance. [Hands ROD a wad of bills]
DIRTY ROD: [Smiling] My kind of town, this place is.
GANDHI: [Approaching with MANDELA] I guess we have another new voter.
MANDELA: [Helping him pick up AL's body] It's democracy in action, I tell you. He's a hero.
CUT TO TOWN HALL INTERIOR WITH KYRON: "Weeks later." DIRTY ROD and OLD MAYOR are arguing. PATTI watches.
DIRTY ROD: No name goes on a ballot unless I get some appreciation.
OLD MAYOR: Your name is already on the ballot.
DIRTY ROD: No other name, I meant.
OLD MAYOR: That's not how democracy works.
DIRTY ROD: I don’t care about democracy. I care about appreciation. You don't put no other name on that ballot unless you pay me.
PATTI: [Whispering to ROD] Dear, be careful what you say.
DIRTY ROD: And I ain't gonna watch my words either. If I see one name besides No Name on that ballot and I don't get no appreciation, I'll have him arrested for horse-thieving.
OLD MAYOR: [Confused] Horse-thieving?
PATTI: He gets confused. It's Bugs' brew, I think.
DIRTY ROD: [Talking over PATTI] That's right, horse-thieving! First I hang him. Then I give him a fair trial. Then I hang him again. Or ... something....
FITZ: [Entering, trailing a long scroll of notes.] That’ll be about enough, No Name.
DIRTY ROD: What are you...?
FITZ: You told me to write everything down. I've been doin' it. And you're under arrest.
DIRTY ROD: What? On what charge?
FITZ: Corrupting the democratic process. And unauthorized use of foul language.
DIRTY ROD: [Rising to feet] Nobody arrests No Name. Nobody. Or No Name. Or Me. This is my town. My state. My country. My world. Didn’t you hear Gandhi and Mandela out there? I AM democracy!
FITZ: You’re going down, Man With No Name.
CUT TO EXTERIOR as FITZ and DIRTY ROD square off with MONTAGE: BOY in Blacksmith's Shop throws down horseshoe in disgust. GIRL in front of General Store finds door locked; looks in through window to see MOM and SHOPKEEPER making love on counter. CAT beneath Saloon boardwalks huffs and puts paws over its ears.
FITZ: It doesn't have to happen this way, No Name.
DIRTY ROD: You're scared, Sheriff. Coz you know I have the foulest mouth in the west, and it'll blow your ears clean out. So you gotta ask yourself ... do you feel lucky? Well do ya, punk?
PATTI: [Calling from Town Hall doorway] That's the wrong movie, dear!
DIRTY ROD: This ain't a movie. It's my life. And I'm the hero!
FITZ: [SLOW-MO DRAW of double-barreled shotgun] Would ... you ... please ... shut ... up ... Mother ... Foulface?
DIRTY ROD: [Collapses to the street, ears bleeding] He ... he got me....
PATTI: [Nods] You should have shut up, dear.
GANDHI: [Approaching with MANDELA] It's another miracle of democracy.
MANDELA: [Looking at FITZ] We have a new hero.
FITZ: It's a new day. It's called the rule of law.
OLD MAYOR: [Offers FITZ a wad of cash] How can we ever thank you?
FITZ: [Shakes head] No need to thank me, Mayor. My kind of town, this place is.
END CREDITS: PULL-AWAY SHOT as GANDHI and MANDELA carry ROD to the Cemetery. HARRY CARAY leads Townsfolk in "My Kind of Town, Chicago Is," with MONTAGE: BOY in Blacksmith's Shop gives up on shoeing horse and winks at GIRL in front of General Store. GIRL winks back. CAT beneath Saloon boardwalk sees them and begins to purr.
SCREENPLAY: NCrissieB
POSTER: nonnie9999
ANIMAL CASTING: MinervainNH, who graciously lent Elliot for the role of CAT Beneath Saloon Boardwalk.
DISCLAIMER: Elliot was not harmed in the writing of this diary.