For the second time in as many weeks, I had to take a ride to the boneyard today.
Understandably, I've had funerals on my mind. With scores of these soirées under my belt, I thought I'd offer a little advice for those planning their final bon voyage parties.
And friends, if you ain't planning, you should be.
We spend a lot of time with family, pals and lawyers discussing disposal methods, property distribution and just which machines will or won't be permitted to be hooked up to us when the old ticker clicks off. But hardly anyone gives a thought to the details of their last blowoff.
So others, family members befuddled by grief or--worse--total strangers are brought in to make decisions on the fly, often yielding near unbearable experiences for those unlucky enough to have to sit through them.
Hey, Future Departed: give us a break. You won't have to endure your Ta Ta, but we do.
With that in mind, here are a few hints for planning your final bash. Remember, last impressions are most important.
First, be honest. There is little more distracting than listening to patently untrue praise from people just trying to be nice to someone who can't even blush anymore.
A couple of years back, GF attended the Big Sendoff for her very dear friend Dan Franklin and she was delighted that none of Dan's friends tried to sanctify him. Dan was the first to admit he was an irascible son of a bitch and his loved ones didn't try to sugarcoat the fact. Instead, he was praised as the brilliant, fun, lovable son of a bitch he was. Merriment ensued.
Which brings us to our second point: have some damn fun. Sure, it's a drag you're gone, but what made you so special before the Great SeeYouLater? You was kicks, that's what!
Of all the gigs you've ever played, do you want your last one to be a total downer or do you want your friends to remember what a hoot it was having you around? Sure, it's a time for tears, but laughter makes a great chaser to the hard stuff and, as Pat MacDonald said,
You can mix the two together with no bad side effects.
Those are the two biggies, but here are a few more helpful hints:
Religion
Not my cup of tea, but die and let live I always say. Still not everyone smokes your brand, so if you want to include a hat tip to your own Big Guy, fine, but please, tell your clothperson not to lay it on too thick. You're supposed to be the star in this flick. God gets the supporting role Oscar.
Open Casket
If pickling and plugging's your choice, please consider specifying closed casket. I've seen a zillion centerpieces at these dinners and trust me, nobody looks "natural." It's just creepy. If you insist, so be it, but it doesn't add a thing to the ambiance.
Music/Pictures/Multimedia
Always a plus, but not too much. We want to remember you as our running pard, not an amusement ride. Plus, as much as your dearest friends may want to sing Ave Maria for you one last time, make sure they can a)carry a tune and b)not choke up completely. I don't want to sound callous here, but you don't want your final performance to be remembered for someone in the chorus flubbing.
That's all for now. Do give these some thought and put your wishes in writing (as well as getting some professional head shots done now while you still look half-decent--you don't want the paper running a goofy snapshot from that fishing trip last summer).
The fanfare is going to be remembered much more than the form, so whether you choose to take a dirt bath or make like confetti, have a thought for your audience.
Because, even though it's your funeral, it's not all about you.
Meta Trivia Update: This may prove to be the first DailyKos diary poll in which nobody chooses the "pie" option.
Second Update: Well, I suppose there's one in every crowd. Obviously, we have a Kossack with exquisite taste. . .