I have been bullied.
In second grade, I was harassed by kids at my Catholic school because my family didn't have a lot of money. I was excluded and made fun of because I didn't have the clothes and other things the kids had.
And because we were Polish.
I remember the brutal teasing my little brother went through as we walked home from school because of his 'big ears.'
But I was never lit on fire.
When my son was about three years old, he played with a little girl who would bite him. I found bite marks on his thighs one day while giving him a bath.
When I asked how he got them, he told me he bit himself. Unless he could fold himself in half, there was no physical way he could have bitten himself on his upper thigh.
After a long talk, he admitted that the little girl was biting him, but that he didn't want to tell because then he'd have no one to play with.
I spoke to the girl's mom and unfortunately, my son had to take a break from playing with the little girl. We explained to the little girl together that my son didn't play with kids who bit him.
It took a while, but she got the message. Today, the little girl is a terrific kid and she and my son are great friends.
But to get there, I had to do a lot of research. I had so many misconceptions about bullying. I thought maybe he should be able to bite her back. Then I thought he should tell on her. Then I thought he should ignore it, that she'd grow out of it.
In kindergarten, there was a bully who would push my son down into snowbanks while they were walking from school to First Friday mass. He knocked him to the ground on the school bus to beat my son into the seat. I told the teacher, and she said that I was mistaken, that the bully and my son were best friends.
More research showed me that many times, victims try to befriend the bully to avoid having the crap beaten out of them.
In first grade, my son saw a child being bullied on the playground. I had taught him about bullies, and asked him to stand up for kids he sees being bullied. The victim in this case was having his foot tied up in a soccer net by a bunch of girls and they pushed him to the ground. These girls did this every day and my son got sick of seeing it.
He tried to intervene.
The girls turned their attention to him, ran him down and tackled him. Six girls piled on top of him and nearly suffocated him. He couldn't breathe to even tell them he was in trouble. He only escaped because other kids physically pulled the girls off the pile.
The "supervisor" on the playground wrote it off as first graders not knowing any better.
A few days later, the boy cried out for help again as his foot was tied into the net. My son heard him, but was afraid to help this time.
He was crying when he got home from school that day, ashamed of himself for turning his back on someone who was in trouble.
I approached the school numerous times, but the principal never even returned my calls. I went to the PTA. I called the parents of the boy being tied into the soccer net. No one really cared.
I pulled my son out of that "Catholic" school.
He's in public school now, and as the personal safety officer for our PTA, I have an opportunity to strengthen our school's anti-bullying policy, which has a long way to go before it is perfect.
I have to convince the school that an anti-bullying program is more than an assembly and hanging a few signs on the wall. I must show them that bullying is a serious, deadly problem. Not just the physical damage bullies do, but the emotional as well. Some wise person once said
"With physical abuse, they kill you. With emotional abuse, you kill yourself."
That's very true.
11-Year-Old Massachusetts Boy Hangs Himself After Bullying in School
Or maybe they turn to drugs, alcohol, cutting, or eating disorders. Maybe their grades fall and they start skipping school and getting in trouble. Maybe they ask for help and it never comes...or it doesn't come in time.
This morning I couldn't hold back the tears watching a mom on the Today Show plead with everyone to work to put an end to bullying. Her son, a 15-year-old who was squabbling about a bicycle, was burned over 80 percent of his body after five teens doused him with rubbing alcohol and lit him on fire.
Please watch what happened to Michael.
They called him a "snitch" and set him on fire.
Michael did exactly what he was supposed to do. He told about the bullying. He told the police. He told his parents. He told his school.
But unless someone takes him seriously and listens, Michael was on his own. His mother listened, and reached out for help, but I wonder how seriously anyone in authority took her.
After all bullying is just part of growing up right? I feel so sorry for this mom and this child and this family. My heart is broken for them.
The news reports on this are just as difficult to read.
5 teens charged in burning of Florida 15-year-old
Some of the teens charged in the attack laughed when investigators confronted them, the sheriff's office said.
Four 15-year-old boys and one 13-year-old accosted Michael Brewer of Deerfield Beach, Fla., accusing him of being a snitch for calling the cops on their leader, whom the sheriff's office identified as the local bully.
Brewer tried to leave, but the gang doused him with alcohol and set him on fire, authorities said. Flames burned 80% of his body, especially his torso and arms, and seared off much of his hair, including his eyebrows, family members said.
According to investigators, Matthew Bent, 15, whom they identified as the organizer of the attack, shouted, "Pour it on him!" as other splashed the victim with alcohol.
"The local bully." Heh.
It sounds like something out of Mayberry, one of Opie's friends perhaps.
So people knew this kid was bullying other kids. The cops knew he was hurting other kids, and I'd like to know what was done. What did they do about it? What history is there to show us the potential danger here, and did anyone do anything about it?
Michael's mom knows the kids who burned her son alive. She seemed absolutely sick to her stomach as she talked about it this morning. She also talked about her son being terrifed to go to school and face these kids.
She had contacted the school, and the appointment with the school counselor was scheduled a day too late. And what was going to happen during the appointment that would protect this kid? From my experience, this process needs attention. This behavior needs to be stopped early on, when the children are young, and is limited to pushing kids into snow banks and on school busses.
Please watch this video. Please listen to what she says.
Please click here.
And then watch her.
Video here - please watch this. Please.
Please Kossacks. Let's act now. Today. If you have children, ask them about the times they feel unsafe. About kids who scare them. If your kid has a bullying problem, let's help them too. I have learned about how dangerous this is for years, and it only gets worse.
I've got to do something.
My son is only nine-years-old and has lived almost his whole life among bullies. Some changed, some didn't. It depended on the early intervention and some guidance into more appropriate behaviors.
Today I'd like to recognize a man who I believe is a true hero in this fight. I've never met him, but I've corresponded with him for years, and he has helped me tremendously. As our school's PTA personal safety officer this year at my son's new school, and I am committed to having our kids protected and responding to their reports of bullying.
This hero of mine is Stan Davis and the resources he has provided to me on this journey have taught me so much.
Meet Stan Davis
Stan Davis has worked for human rights in many different ways. In the 1960s he worked in the Civil Rights movement. As a social worker and child and family therapist in the 1970s and 1980s, he worked with abused, traumatized, and grieving children and trained Child Protective Workers. He designed and implemented training for a network of rape crisis centers and helped police develop effective interventions for domestic abuse.
In 1985 he became a school counselor. After working in High School and Middle School he moved to the James H. Bean elementary school in Sidney, Maine, where he continues to work three days a week.
Since the mid-1990s he has put his energies toward helping schools prevent bullying. Stan’s work has been featured in national newspaper and radio articles and on a special 20/20 report on bullying with John Stossel. He is the author of the 2004 book Schools Where Everyone Belongs: Practical Strategies to Reduce Bullying (2nd edition 2007) and the 2007 book Empowering Bystanders in Bullying prevention. Schools Where Everyone Belongs was been published in Spanish in 2008. Stan has trained school staff and students in 25 US states and in Atlantic Canada.
His trainings integrate research, practical experience, specific techniques, storytelling, and audience participation.
I've read both of Davis' books and highly recommend them to any parent, teacher or administrator who wants to do something about this.
There is a wealth of information available at a sister site, and I've been spending hours there gather information for parents, teachers and administrators, and kids too.
Please visit here and start a conversation with a kid you know.
Start a conversation with other parents. Start a conversation with your child's teachers, with his/her principal. Start a conversation with the bus driver, or the lunchroom lady.
Don't accept bullying as a part of your child's life. Don't let them put you off or make you feel like you are overreacting. It's taken me years, but I have worked and worked to make a difference, and I plan to. I will volunteer, I will write, I will speak up.
Michael Brewer is lying in a hospital bed fighting for his life even after he asked for help and told on the bullies. He did the right thing and we let him down. This can never, ever happen again. Please.
Information is power and our kids need us. Encourage them to tell on the bullies. But then you MUST listen and take swift action, working as a team with police, school and community. Parents like Michael's need support and they too, need to be taken seriously.
Don't send your kid to a school that does not protect him/her. Forcing a child to walk into a dangerous situation on a daily basis is unfair to the child. Demand a safe school and community. Don't wait.
My son learned a valuable lesson that day he was suffocated on the playground. One person can't stand between a victim and a bully. But together, we can do it. We stand together to protect the victim, we no longer have the excuse of being innocent bystanders.
We are all responsible for what happened to Michael and all the other kids who are out there suffering at the hands of 'town bullies.' We are safe if we do it together.
Today, please do something about it.
According to the LA Times, Michael Brewer's family has set up a foundation with Bank of America for anyone who wants to help with medical expenses. The foundation's account number is 898035752616 and funds can be deposited at any Bank of America.
Please consider a financial donation for Michael and his family, but consider a donation of time to stand up for the victims of bullies and for the bullies too. This is no longer acceptable.
**Please note that I would appreciate anyone being able to link the video into this diary, I tried but I can't get it to work. It needs to be seen.
There are three different videos at the MSNBC site, I can't get them to link here - please watch all three - the mom breaks down, and she pleads with people to do something. Please watch.
Excellent suggestion from mph2005: Call your member of Congress and urge them to co-sponsor HR 2262 --- the Safe Schools Improvement Act of 2009
You can email them easily here/contact info too