We've all seen this. Heck, we've all done it.
Somebody starts to complain about something, something they've complained about before - perhaps often - and we feel impatience rising up inside us. Not this again, a cranky voice inside us sighs, and maybe we even sigh on the outside. And we catch the eye of somebody else and see that they are sighing too, and we share that look, a very meaningful look. A look that everybody recognizes when they see it.
It's the "Here we go again" look.
It's a common phenomenon, and it isn't limited just to people reacting to lone individuals. People have the "Here we go again" reaction to complaints from groups, too - usually, if it's a group of which they are not a member. And there is an unfortunate tendency to lump each new complaint with every other complaint you've ever heard from that group, even if the individual in question has never complained before.
Thus it is that when a person of color points out a racist attitude, invariably there will be a "Here we go again" reaction from people who "have heard all this before," and therefore, think they shouldn't have to hear about it again. "We get it, okay?" they say. "We're sorry; it shouldn't have happened, but you don't have to keep harping on it."
Well... if it's still happening, then yeah, maybe they do need to keep harping on it. How else is there any hope of changing it?
The same thing happens to GLBT people when they complain about anti-gay rights referenda. A couple of straights sigh and say, "We understand your anger, but there's no good getting so nasty about it. Tone matters, you know."
Ah, yes, tone. Tone does matter. Somehow, though, it "matters" more when it's coming from the oppressed.
Here we go again, indeed.
And yes, the very same thing happens to women when we complain. I'd venture to say it happens even more automatically to us, because women are a larger segment of the population and because there are women in every oppressed group. Don't believe me? Just stand back and watch the next time you see a woman point out an instance of sexism. Don't watch her - watch the men in the room. You'll see it - a subtle eye-roll, a suppressed sigh, two guys sharing a knowing smirk. Whatever form it takes, I guarantee you'll see some version of "Here we go again."
I'm not saying anyone does this necessarily out of malice. It's a deeply ingrained reaction that we've all learned. Society has long informally taught us that it's okay to subtly - or not-so-subtly - discount certain kinds of people. That's exactly why we have slurs - to express that sense of superiority. And while it has become increasingly frowned-upon to use these slurs openly, the attitudes which bred those slurs are harder to overcome, slower to be discarded. And people who have made the effort to purge their language of open slurs, who even believe they are liberals, really don't want to think they have such attitudes. So when they are called on it, they reject the whole notion. They feel attacked, so they turn on the attacker. And they use the handy shorthand that society has been teaching them since childhood.
So a woman who is complaining about how she's being treated will suddenly find herself called a "man-hater." She's told she's "hysterical" or "over-sensitive" and "bitchy." Speculations about her menstrual cycle, her sex-appeal, and her emotional health are made. And somehow, in the midst of all this, someone will invariably mention that it was her own "tone" that provoked this nastiness.
Because the attitude is frequently that a complainer "has it coming" or has "asked for it."
Naturally, there's always a reason for these attacks. The attackers will always have citations of specific comments that were "out of line." Often, they are right; the comments in question were inflammatory, possibly even unfair. But what usually remains invisible to these people - even if you point it out very clearly - is that the "out of line" comments were provoked by a whole host of prior comments full of insult and bigotry. Their tone, apparently, isn't as big an issue. Because society has generally made it seem okay to be casually dismissive or out-and-out offensive to certain groups (ask any obese person if you don't believe that), we have a really hard time accepting responsibility for dismissive and offensive behavior actually causing hurt and anger. We tend to blame the victim - if they weren't so defensive, so sensitive, so primed to see injustice, there wouldn't have been any problem.
There's a line from the recently remade TV series Battlestar Galactica, a kind of mantra that runs through the whole show: "All of this has happened before, and will happen again." How true that is, even in our real world.
As long as we think it's acceptable to tell angry people to just calm down, as long as we think it's reasonable to tell people their rights aren't being violated when they feel that they are, as long as we tell hurting people that their pain is regrettable but that fellow taxpayers shouldn't be expected to help them, the "tone" of the oppressed will be one of anger. And rage. And lashing out.
It isn't right. It isn't justice. It's just reality.
The bottom line is, if you are hearing a complaint from someone who feels they are being exploited, being oppressed, being treated unfairly, and you fail to listen, fail to be sensitive, fail to be respectful, you will likely be on the receiving end of some real blowback. That may not seem fair, but it's the truth. And you can react to that, defend your honor, and generally fan the flames, and feel perfectly justified in doing so. But if you do that, please know that you are not only looking like an insensitive jerk; you're also missing an opportunity to live up to your liberal ideals. And in the process, you're hurting a great many other people. It's not just the ones who respond to you - remember that a lot of people are watching and listening who don't choose to participate.
There will continue to be complaining, and the tone will often be grating. You can just shoot from the hip and take the complainer to task, of course, but I would ask you to stop and ask yourself a question first: Imagine that you had been inspired to make such a post. What would have had to happen to you to drive you to be so grating?
When you have the answer to that, you might be closer to empathizing with the complaining party.
We really don't have to go here, again.