From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Pre-Thanksgiving Thoughts
My grandparents are long gone, so I've adopted octogenarian bloggers Margaret and Helen as my new ones. (Forgive me Nana, Bapa, Grams and Gramps—you'll always be my original Fab Four.) Helen, who lives in Texas, has a dozen pre-holiday suggestions for her family, and some of 'em seem to have a certain universality about them. Like...
- Cloe. I am begging you honey. None of that Jello crap. No one eats it and the garbage stinks for a week after I throw it out. You and Jello are like Palin and McCain. How many times before you learn no one wants seconds much less firsts.
- Jennifer. Your children are cute. We all can agree on that. Your husband’s video camera capturing every runny nose and bowel movement---not so much. Keep this up honey and you’ll have one posing for Playgirl before you know it. It’s just not natural to be that comfortable in front of a camera. Ten minutes of video when you first arrive and then the camera goes back into the camera bag. [...]
- Mary. Your kid’s dirty shoes and my clean sofa have never met. Let’s keep it that way. [...]
- Jonathan. How a Republican ended up in this family is beyond me, but we love you all the same. That said, Reagan is dead darling. Get over it. [...]
- Honestly, if you insist on bringing anything, bring some butter. I go through about 20 sticks to get this meal on the table and I might as well start stocking up for Christmas now.
- Marshall. I am sure you believe that your children sing beautifully. Don’t put me in a situation where I have to make you question your beliefs.
To all my new friends out there, I say this. Life is short. Don’t squabble over the little things like Jello and Sarah Palin. If we are going to fight, let’s fight about the things that matter like world peace and apple pie.
Damn right.
In case you won’t be around on the intertubes tomorrow: Safe travels and happy stuffing.
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Note: Here's the C&J schedule for the rest of the week. There will be a C&J tomorrow, which I'll sing to you opera-style at 3am under your bedroom window unless my alarm doesn’t go off in which case I'll just post it here when I wake up. Friday we'll be sucked into a sub-space vortex that will force me to face all of my demons from birth to the present day (although I'm gonna do my damndest to skip over the Bush years). If I choose the correct exit portal, and the subspace-vortex shuttle bus is on time, we should make it back by Monday. Now...what to wear? Probably something rubber.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Hanukkah: 16
Days `til the 2009 Holiday Bazaar at the Dairy Barn Arts Center in Athens, Ohio: 9
Change in the cost of a traditional Thanksgiving dinner from last year: -3.8%---the lowest since 2000, the last time a Democrat was in office during Thanksgiving.
(Source: The Week)
Percent of unemployed Americans who take a nap every day: 39%
Percent of employed Americans who do: 31%
(Source: Harper's Index)
Gallons of wine the world's airlines buy per year: 4.3 million
Rank of Qantas and Air New Zealand among airlines with the best wine lists, according to wine expert Dan Berger: #1, #2
(Source: USA Today)
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 167 (including 3 False Christs and 1 official sighting of Christ on a cracker). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Found!
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CHEERS to a dish best served cold. President and First Lady Obama hosted their very first state dinner last night. (Side note: Bush II hosted 6, Clinton hosted 29, and Reagan hosted...ready for this?...57.) The White House welcomed Indian Prime Minister Singh, along with hundreds of celebrities, dignitaries and other assorted muckety mucks. On the menu: Dumplings, curry prawns and, in the perfect act of revenge against the D.C. Villagers who hounded him during the '08 primary season: arugula. Well played, Mr. President. Game over.
JEERS to history repeating itself. Those of us who have seen the National Organization for Marriage in action have a message for you good folks in New Jersey---home of NOM's HQ---who are hoping to get your civil union law upped to full-blown marriage: WARNING! WARNING! History is repeating itself! It starts with an optimistic-looking poll, followed by the worst observation an expert can make:
"While this tests opinion outside the intensity of a campaign to ban gay marriage, as occurred in California, there is more of a ‘live and let live’ attitude in New Jersey than in many other states that have dealt with this issue," said David Redlawsk, director of the Rutgers-Eagleton Poll and professor of political science at Rutgers University.
Noooo!!! Once the "We're A Live and Let Live State" card has been played, it's just a matter of time before... Oh shit, it's too late---NOM is off to the races:
The National Organization for Marriage (NOM), the nation's most vociferous opponent of gay marriage, launched an anti-gay marriage ad blitz in New Jersey Monday.
The group announced in a press release the campaign would cost $500,000. ...
In the ad, a woman and a man discuss the possibility of a gay marriage bill being debated during a lame-duck session of the New Jersey Legislature. They both agree the economy should come first. "With all our problems, they want to legalize gay marriage," the woman says, then adds, "Gay couples ought to be able to live as they choose, but they shouldn't get lame-duck legislators to redefine marriage for all of society."
Interesting angle, but sloppy. Because if I'm not mistaken, the marriage industry generates lots of year-round revenue, and state coffers would see a nice bump, including from New York couples who would come to New Jersey to get married there so they can have their marriages legally recognized back home. So if that's the way NOM wants to play, fine. The slogan for the pro-marriage forces should be: "Put the New Jersey Economy First! Legalize Gay Marriage Now!" I'll waive my usual consulting fee for that. Just wanna help.
P.S. Oops! Carrie Prejean's presence has been removed from NOM's web site. That's gotta be tough. Nobody wants to play with her anymore. I guess she'll just have to go back to playing with herself.
JEERS to Reagan's Monica Lewinsky moment. On November 25, 1986, the Iran-Contra "Affair" busted wide open when Saint Ronnie appointed the Tower commission to find out what the $#!!#$ was going on. It later resulted in this public admission from Reagan:
"A few months ago I told the American people I did not trade arms for hostages. My heart and my best intentions still tell me that's true, but the facts and the evidence tell me it is not. As the Tower board reported, what began as a strategic opening to Iran deteriorated, in its implementation, into trading arms for hostages. This runs counter to my own beliefs, to administration policy, and to the original strategy we had in mind.
Eleven people ended up getting nailed, but George H.W. Bush pardoned the lot of 'em when he left office. Some of the Iran-Contra figures, like Elliott Abrams and John Negroponte, would pop up again in the Bush II administration despite the black stains on their names. Because truly scurrilous help is so hard to find.
CHEERS and JEERS to closure. Remember that Kentucky census worker who was found hanging from a tree a couple months back with his hands tied and the letters F-E-D scrawled on his chest? A lot, if not most, people thought he'd been murdered not only because he was a federal employee, but because he was a federal employee in Appalachia. Well, the investigation's over and it's even more bizarre: he staged his own death to look like a murder because he thought he had a recurrence of cancer and was gonna die and he wanted his family to get the money from his insurance policy but it turns out he didn’t have cancer after all and he didn’t stage his "murder" well enough so now the family gets nothing. Good thing you and I didn’t jump to conclusions on that case, id'nit? [Adjusts halo] [Gets hit with lightning bolt anyway]
CHEERS to the Republic of Fear. Happy Birthday to the Department of Homeland Security! President Bush signed legislation creating the bureaucratic behemoth seven years ago today. (Quick! Name the original nominee to be the second DHS director after Tom Ridge! Yep...the crook Bernie Kerik. Vetting's fun!) Thanks to DHS, the first thing I do before I start my morning is go to their website for news of any fresh terror attacks (not including ones by the U.S. financial sector). Then I check the color-coded terror threat level, just in case I need to pull "Old Bessie," my Civil War-era mortar, out of the garage and load up the old gal with my secret mix of shrapnel and Alpo. But since we've been stuck at alert level YELLOW for the past 2,815 days, mostly I just duct-tape stuff as needed and sit in my rocker with a warm mug of Maalox (tastes great with marshmallows) waitin' for someone besides the meter reader to spring the booby traps I got set around the house. So thanks, DHS, for enriching my life by making me fear my violent, excruciating and impending death. It's the American way.
JEERS to tots in trouble. The Consumer Product Safety Commission is warning, um, consumers (really!) about the dangers of baby cribs made by a Canadian company called Stork Craft Manufacturing. 1.2 million of them are being recalled because the sliding panel on the side can come loose and allow the toddler to wriggle out, sometimes with disastrous consequences. Investigators say they first suspected something was wrong when they saw the turnout at the first teabagger rally. Good catch.
CHEERS to Joementum!!! No, not Lieberman...Sestak. Looks like he's gaining traction in his bid to unseat Arlen Specter as the next Democratic U.S. senator from Pennsylvania. From an email we got yesterday:
>> The Hill, Capitol Hill's newspaper, just reported, "Specter looks to be the most imperiled incumbent in the Senate ... Sestak is setting himself up nicely."
>> Both the Cook Political Report and the Rothenberg Political Report---the two leading, independent non-partisan publications that analyze elections---just announced that Arlen's chances of re-election have been down-graded to "toss-up."
>> In the span of four weeks, the percentage of PA voters who believe Arlen deserves to be re-elected dropped from 37%...to 31%...to now just 23% of PA voters believe Arlen deserves to be re-elected. According to the latest poll, Franklin & Marshall College, 66% think its time for a change. As Franklin & Marshall's pollster said: "Specter...is in a world of trouble."
Awesome. And Joe's web site's pretty good, too. In fact, you might say it's...Admiralable. Ha Ha Ha Ha!!! [crickets] Okay...I was reachin'.
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Five years ago in C&J: November 25, 2004
CHEERS to couch potatoes. An antibiotic-resistant "superbug" has been showing up in gyms and health clubs across America. It's spread by sweaty workout mats and towels. Says Dr. Mark Rupp in the Charleston Post and Courier: "Mother Nature is the ultimate bioterrorist." Good luck smokin' her out of her hole, Dubya.
JEERS to the Ronco Chainsaw Toothbrush. The number of product recalls ordered by the Consumer Product Safety Commission fell by 35% during George W. Bush's first term in office. Not because there was a drop in unsafe products, says Consumer Reports, but because the government isn't pursuing them as aggressively. Your tax dollars not hard at work.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to last minute preparations. For most people, Thanksgiving is the only day of the year that they'll cook a turkey. And with the price averaging 44 cents a pound, more people than ever will be shovin' one in the oven. But it's easy to forget the finer points of holiday-bird management. So here with a refresher tip is the rumored "Fifth Member of ABBA"...aka The Swedish Chef. (If he's not helpful enough, try Butterball.) Michael and I will be eating our traditional feast: the All-You-Can-Eat Chinese buffet out between the mall and the airport---'cause we're commie traitors and we can't help ourselves. Whatever you stuff yourself with and wherever you choose to stuff it, we hope you have an H1N1-free holiday. And if you get in a political argument with a relative, remember: under-the-table shin-kicking is acceptable under the revised Rules of Engagement. Let 'em have it.
Oh, and to really get ahead in life, learn how to practice the fine art of understatement. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Two days after Adam Lambert thrust Bill in Portland Maine's head into his crotch during a screechy show-closing performance in Cheers and Jeers," people are still talking.
---Richard Huff, New York Daily News
11/24/09
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