So many recent diaries have breathlessly described the current chaos infiltrating this website, there are some very well known friends that are finding themselves lost or missing and the families must be frantic.
The current Amber alert system is no match for the growing numbers of lost and missing and should be reserved for the children still. Other colors, including our standard traffic light Red and Green, still show much everyday overuse, i.e. "Red Alert", "Code Red", "Green Jobs going overseas" and "You look green, are you going to puke?"
Vestigial Homeland Security Charts are still in use to appease the conservatives, making Orange, Blue and Green subject to Government control. Sarah Palin does have a point when you realize the Government is still using color-codes to indoctrinate our schoolchildren.
The color-blind citizenry has been pushed aside since the Bush Administration and Obama has done nothing to fix that particular problem!.
But I digress...
Despite the use of Orange in the DHS Color Coded Terror Level, first thought was to use the color Orange as a tribute to Daily Kos and our followers, however, closer review shows that the "Orange" in use on the website seems to have some brown substance mixed in, perhaps baby or pootie poop, rendering it more closely to Sienna. Nobody will pay attention to a Sienna Alert, except those employed by Crayola where they tend to burn Sienna in mass quantities. (Can you get Sienna in pharmacies in California yet?) Colors closer to amber were also looked at, and a final choice was made, allowing for the matching up of it's letters with words heavily used by families of the rapidly increasing lost and missing to describe their state of mind... Missing.... Unappreciated...Suspicious.... Tired.... At Risk...... Really Fed Up..... Disturbed
The Color is MUSTARD, as in "We are issuing a Mustard Alert"
Since we like to complicate things further, there are several different stages of Mustard Alert corresponding to either the threat level or the tailgate party item on hand, since there are 3 NFL games on tap tomorrow.
- Hot Mustard Alert, very spicy, has some horseradish in it. Reserved for those Featured Lost or Missing Kossacks. Granny Doc is high on the list, if you do see her, give her a bratwurst and a beer to keep her calm
- Deli Alert, particularly to be used for urban areas with high concentrations of pickled meat products and poor state government, like California and New York. This alert will be applicable if DemFromCT starts moving toward the border.
- Dijon Alert, because if we start losing Jerome a Paris we lose Europe. Did you know that the upper 1% of the income earners in the US use 85% of the Grey Poupon? Why are they pouring perfectly good wine into a jar of French's plain yellow? No wonder they like Palin and Beck, they're nuts.
- Stone-Ground Alert, for those lost and missing Kossacks from the country side, because I think they still go to the mill alot to make mustard.
- Ballpark Alert... the lowest level of alert, obviously. When Bob Johnson's dog Rex goes over the fence we'll put out this alert.
There will be a press conference today at noon to announce the new system, please stay on guard, keep your eyes out for suspicious diaries and have a happy Thanksgiving.
All is not lost Granny Doc, we've got your back.