WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Emerging bloodied but victorious from the most brutal Congressional brawl in American history, President Obama secured single-payer healthcare for all Americans to the delight of progressives nationwide last night, finally putting to a quick end months of intransigence from bruised and battered conservative-leaning Democrats.
"After months of laughing with glee alongside Rahm Emmanuel and angering my progressive base just for the heck of it, I decided to finally do something about healthcare in this country," the weary but confident Commander-in-Chief said in his usual lofty style. "Frankly, we've all been waiting long enough for me to finally get around to it. And while I've heartily enjoyed watching my approval ratings sink during Congress' futile attempts to pass some kind of weak health reform, it was time to step in and do something. I figure I've spotted Sarah Palin enough polling points to make 2012 mildly interesting. And beating the holy living shit out of Joe Lieberman and Ben Nelson was just what the doctor ordered--no pun intended."
For months, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid had been working with recalcitrant conservative Democrats on compromise healthcare legislation that might achieve the 60-vote threshold needed to break a Senate filibuster. That process came to an end Tuesday evening when President Obama issued an executive summons to moderate Democratic and Republican Senators Blanche Lincoln, Ben Nelson, Kent Conrad, Joe Lieberman, and Olympia Snowe, mandating their presence at the no-holds-barred White House gladiatorial chamber colloquially known as the Octagon.
After a grueling match of strength, the President emerged victorious from the 1-on-5 combat, apparently through sheer force of will.
"My fellow Americanth, let me thay that I've finally theen the light," said a noticeably shaken Joe Lieberman from his hospital bed, his front teeth conspicuously absent. "Thingle-payer healthcare is on it'th way, and the Prethident can be athured of my vote. His thtrong leadership hath convinthed me. That and his mathive right hook."
Similar statements were made by the other Senators unfortunate enough to have tested their collective will against Obama in the Octagon. His head swollen from repeated trauma, Kent Conrad quipped, "Tonight President Obama showed just the sort of leadership North Dakotans can respect. I absolutely understand now that Medicare for all really is the way to go for all North Dakota. And the other 49 states."
The sudden reversal comes as welcome news for progressives nationwide, who have been furious with the inability of the Executive to assert its constitutional authority to intimidate members of the Legialative into doing its bidding. Popular progressive blogger Glenn Greenwald, heretofore a fierce critic of the Obama Administration, exulted at Down With Tyranny, "Finally, Americans are getting the strong leadership we deserve. Now, if only Obama will use the same overwhelming power of the Executive Branch to bring the unconstitutional crimes of the Bush Administration to justice, then we'll finally have a Commaner-in-Chief worthy of being followed by the American people."
Republicans who had been increasingly aggressive for months as the President's poll numbers sagged, were remarkably conciliatory. "The President has shown tonight that he's not a man to be trifled with," said Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. "I don't think it would be appropriate to read the phone book on the Senate floor over this legislation. Frankly, I'm afraid he might come down here and smack me upside the head with it before tearing it in half. I may not like it, but that's leadership you can't ignore." When asked by Sean Hannity of Fox News whether he had any concerns with the President's tactics, RNC chairman Michael Steele said bluntly, "Wuzzat? No, dog! You gotta be trippin'! Ain't nobody gonna mess with that muthafucka now!"
As brutal as the night's events may have been been, they may only be a harbinger of things to come. In what is likely to be the strongest test of leadership for an American President in almost a century, rumors are swirling that President Obama will be personally traveling to the Island of Fu Manchu for a duel to the death with Chinese President Hu Jintao to determine China's fossil fuel emissions policy.
Even former Alaska governor Sarah Palin seemed pleased. "While I disagree strongly with this President's policies, it just goes to show ya: there's nothin' ya can't do if ya want it bad enough."