As you know, this month is the culmination of our major combat operations in the War on Christmas, and I'm pleased to report that our side is winning. The enemy thinks it's winning, which means we've got them right where we want them -- too strung out on eggnog and yuletide cheer to notice that this year, there shall be no Christmas!
I want to thank everyone who's used the phrase "Happy Holidays" -- which as everyone knows is one of the most insulting things you could possibly say to someone. It is said that every time someone says "Happy Holidays," one of Santa's elves experiences a cerebral hemorrhage. Keep it up!
I also want to congratulate those who have waged war on Christmas by including such symbols as Hanukkah menorahs and Kwanzaa kinaras in their storefront windows and other public displays. Inclusiveness is to Christmas as Kryptonite is to Superman, and our generals are confident that it will only take a few more menorahs and kinaras, prominently showcased, to obliterate the last traces of Christmas.
For those of you not present at our last meeting, I would like to remind you of some important wartime rules and regulations. Do not, under any circumstances, deck the halls with boughs of holly. That's exactly what they want us to do. Please avoid donning your gay apparel. Gay apparel is for conservative Christians only.
I'm pleased to report that in our sweep of the battlefield, we have taken into our custody a large number of enemy combatants. We believe that after being subjected to our enhanced interrogation techniques, these prisoners of war will provide us with information crucial to our cause. Thus far, we have apprehended twelve drummers drumming, eleven pipers piping, ten lords a-leaping, nine ladies dancing, and eight maids a-milking. Yes, there are many more insurgents still at large, but we feel the threat has been contained, as most of them are birds.
Now is not the time to back down, as we are on the verge of victory. Above all, do not allow the enemy to appeal to your sympathies. Many will try to justify their position by describing their affinity for the teachings of Jesus Christ, but this is clearly a diversionary tactic. What the hell does Jesus have to do with Christmas?
We fight this battle not because it is easy, but because it is fun. So stay strong! Keep fighting! And above all, Happy Holidays.