RIIIING
Traditional Media Travel Agency: Hello, this is the Traditional Media Travel Agency, my name is John Cokie Roberts and it is my pleasure to assist you. How may I help you today?
Me: Hi John Cokie, I would like to take a vacation to Hawaii.
TMTA: Okay, let's see what we have here... oooooh, I'm so sorry, you cannot travel to Hawaii.
Me: Why not?
TMTA: The optics.
Me: Uh, sorry?
TMTA: Sorry sir, but Hawaii seems like such a foreign and exotic place, you are just not allowed to go there.
Me: I think there is some confusion. I would like to book a flight and hotel to Hawaii.
TMTA: Oh no, no confusion at all, sir. Certain segments of the American population see Hawaii as a tropical place, and therefore you cannot go there.
Me: But Hawaii is a tropical place. That's why I want to go there.
TMTA: How about a vacation in Texas? Hawaii is so much different than being in Texas.
Me: I am sure Texas is a great place, but I want to go to Hawaii.
TMTA: Again, I am sorry. The optics of going to a foreign place like Hawaii are just too much.
Me: But Hawaii is a state.
TMTA: Technically you are correct, but really sir, you should be at Myrtle Beach at this time.
Me: I am totally confused. Why can't I go to Hawaii again?
TMTA: It looks bad, sir. By going to Hawaii, you look like an elitist with a tropical, surfing agenda.
Me: In fact, I do have a tropical surfing agenda. That's why it's a vacation.
TMTA: Sorry, but you can only go to TMTA-approved vacation sites.
Me: Oh dear, I have to ask: what are TMTA-approved vacation sites exactly?
TMTA: Places where only Real Americans vacation.
Me: And how do I find out where only Real Americans vacation?
TMTA: Anywhere Sarah Palin or Joe the Plumber had a book signing.
Me: How about Chicago?
TMTA: Why would you want to go to Chicago? They can't even host an Olympics properly!
Me: So, Boston is out?
TMTA: Oh, don't get me started about those freaks, with their universal socialist health care system and what not.
Me: Lemme guesss.... can I go to Wasilla?
TMTA: YESSIR! We'd love to send you to Wasilla in our all-inclusive Palin Package!
Me: Okay, what does the Palin Package include?
TMTA: It's a few things. On day one, you hunt innocent wolves from an airplane. On day two, you take moose-hunting-and-dressing classes. Day three includes training on how to throw hysterical fits any time anyone even remotely criticizes you, ever. It's a very popular package.
Me: Anything else?
TMTA: Yes, you must promise to never visit Anchorage. It's a city you know, and they seem elitist.
Me: Lemme guess, bad optics?
TMTA: Bingo! Now you are getting it!
Me: Okay, so how about I go to Hawaii.
TMTA: Sir, you had it, but then you just lost it again. No Hawaii for you. It seems we are unable to help you at this time. On behalf of the Traditional Media Travel Agency, I want to thank you for calling us today. Again my name is John Cokie Roberts and it was my pleasure to condascend to you today. Enjoy your elitist, exotic, tropical vacation.
Me: I will. And Happy Holidays!
TMTA: What did you just say?!?!? It's Merry Christmas, heathen! Oh, that reminds me: would you be interested in our War on Christmas vacation special?
Me: No thanks, I think I'll just go now. Buh-bye.