I guess nothing should surprise us now that the Underpants Gnomes have taken over the GOP. But I would love to have been in on that strategy session ...
[Office interior. Phone rings]
Receptionist: Hello. Imus, Sutcha, Hoare, & Tso R. Yu.
Sanford's Assistant: Wow. That's some serious caller ID you got there.
Receptionist: We get that alot. How may I direct your call?
Sanford's Assistant: Let me speak to the Major. Tell him the Governor wants to speak to him.
Receptionist: On second, sir.
Assistant: Major Hoare's office.
Sanford's Assistant: Hi, Ben Dover here. I work with Mark Sanford and we have a bit of a problem. Is the Major available?
Assistant: Please hold.
[short delay]
Assistant: I have the Major on the line. Shall I put you through?
Sanford's Assistant: Tell him to hold for the Governor.
Assistant: Gladly. Can I be of any further assistance?
Sanford's Assistant: [giggles something unintelligible]
[pause ... sound of something crashing...swearing]
Mark Sanford: And get those chickens out of my office!
Assistant: Sir?
Sanford: I ain't talkin' to you sweet cheeks, where's the Major?
Maj. Hoare: I'm right here, Mark! How you doin' good buddy? Sounds like you've got yerself a chickenshit problem [chuckles].
Sanford: Cut the bullshit Hoare. This is no chickenshit problem. This could ruin me.
Hoare: Dammit! I told you she'd talk to the media! It ain't like the old days when....
Sanford: Shut up, will you? It's not that problem. This is bigger. It's all over the TV.
Hoare: Wow. You shoot someone in the face?
Sanford: It would be easier if I had.
Hoare: Just pick the right one - if you know what I mean... what's the problem?
Sanford: I turned down $700 Million.
Hoare: Someone offered you $700 Million? The Mob back for more action?
Sanford: No, the government.
Hoare: I thought you were the governer.
Sanford: I am. And I want to be president. But that bastard Obama is screwing things up by fixing stuff. Do you know his stimulus package would bring $700 Million to South Carolina?
Hoare: Wow. That's great! Think of all the political favors that can buy!
Sanford: That's the problem. I gotta spend it on schools, and roads and public safety.
Hoare: I see the problem. That's bullshit.
Sanford: Exactly.
Hoare: So you want to set up some front companies and funnel it to our people through them?
Sanford: No. They got this thing called accountability they're pushing up in Washington. Gotta have receipts and stuff.
Hoare: Wow. That is some serious bullshit. How we gonna launder that much money?
Sanford: We ain't. I turned it down.
Hoare: [silence]
Sanford: You there? You hear what I said?
Hoare: [softly] You turned down $700 million when you have a deficit of over $700 million?
Sanford: It's the principle.
Hoare: The interest alone must be killing you.
Sanford: No... I mean ... yes, but that's not the point. I'm talking about the principle of accepting money from the government. I'm against it. I'm a fiscal conservative.
Hoare: Oh, I hear ya. Good thing Republicans run the state. We'd have a deficit for sure.
Sanford: We do have a deficit.
Hoare: You can do that?
Sanford: Sure, it's ok if you're a Republican.
Hoare: So what's the problem then?
Sanford: For some reason, the pablum pushers in the liberal media are all over me like white on rice. They think I should take the money. I believe in doing for yourself. I don't take handouts. It breeds laziness and dependency. I'm for rugged individualism. Independence.
Hoare: Uh... didn't we go down that road once already?
I don't think it ended well.
Sanford: Forget about the past. I'm talking about the future. My future. How the hell am I gonna run for president if I'm the guy who won't help his own state? That would be like Bush running for governor of Louisiana.
Hoare: That would be pretty ironic, wouldn't it?
Sanford: Look, I'm serious. What the hell are we gonna do? How do we salvage this?
Hoare: Easy. Take the money, say you are doing it under duress but these are extraordinary times...blah blah blah.. besides didn't Palin, Jindal, Barbour and ...what's his name... Rick Sanchez, the Mexican looking feller from Texas.... didn't they take the money?
Sanford: Perry. Rick Perry is the governor of Texas. Rick Sanchez is a CNN talking head. Look, I'm not talking about salvaging the money. I'm talking about my image! If I wanted to do something about the money I'd call an accountant! How the hell do I separate myself from the pack without looking like a total douchebag?
Hoare: Yessiree... you got a problem. Fortunately for you, you came to the right place.
Sanford: You can solve this?
Hoare: Easy as stealing candy from a baby.
Sanford: How?
Hoare: We roll out an ad campaign.
Sanford: Saying what? Screw South Carolina, I've got bigger plans?
Hoare: I was thinking of something along the lines of you, looking somber saying "The easy thing isn't always the right thing." It sounds great. Even if the easy thing is the right thing.
Sanford: Hmmm.... that dog'll hunt. How much would a good campaign cost?
Hoare: Well, let's see. Rates are down now. The economy is in the toilet...
Sanford: So I hear.
Hoare: We'd have to blanket the state of course. Then we'd have to buy up some time in other regional markets... prep the field for 2012... I dunno.... $250, $300.
Sanford: How much air time can you buy for $250 bucks? I need this to leave an impression.
Hoare: Thousand. Two hundred and fifty thousand to three hundred thousand. Dollars. US.
Sanford: I don't have that kind of money. I'm raising money for a run in 2012.
Hoare: Maybe you could borrow it from someone.
Sanford: Nah, that wouldn't look right. You thought lil missy talkin' was a problem. This would be a nightmare.
Hoare: Maybe you could get someone to give it to you. Like a gift.
Sanford: Hmmmm.... no interest.
Hoare: Beggars can't be choosers.
Sanford: No, I meant, if it's a gift then I won't get hit with interest payments.
Hoare: True.
Sanford: Times are tough, though.
Hoare: We set up a group for fat cats to pony up some scratch. We give it a name that says "Change"
Sanford: I'm gonna need more than change. You said a quarter million to start.
Hoare: No, we want a name that promises "Change" but doesn't upset the applecart.
Sanford: How about Republicans for Reform?
Hoare: Nah. It's gotta be credible. How about Carolinians for Reform? Sounds good and old timey. Besides, it lets you take money from North Carolina and retirees out of state and folks who are honorary Carolinians and folks who want to be Carolinians and folks who are related to Carolinians...
Sanford: Brilliant!
Hoare: That's why they pay me the big bucks. Can you hold on one second? My assistant is buzzing me.
[Hold music comes over the speaker]
Assistant: Sarah Palin on line 2, sir.
Hoare: I'll be right there as soon as I dump this call.
[Hold music cuts off]
Hoare: Mark? We good here? I have to take this call. Fires burning left, right and center today...
Sanford: I think we're good here. I'll have my folks draft a press release for them to use on the news.
Hoare: Whoah! Why are your people going on the news?
Sanford: No, no, no. My people aren't going on the news.
Hoare: Whose reading the script then?
Sanford: The independent group I'm going to set up.
Hoare: [laughing] That's why we love ya! If your humor was any drier, it would be a fire hazard! Regards to Betty and the gang.
Sanford: Jenny. My wife's name is Jenny.
Hoare: Of course it is. Regards to her too. See ya.