Why, of all the kinds of parties the crazy people could throw, why, oh why, must it be a TEA party?
They could have gone with Surprise, Coming Out, Birthday, Bachelorette, or even Pity, but no! They had to use "Tea Party"! And I’m mad as hell, because, you see, I really, really love tea parties. And their so-called "right" to throw what they call a "tea party" is frankly threatening my own traditional tea parties, as their disgusting parody of a tea party attempts to redefine and corrupt everything that makes tea parties good and right and tasty.
A tea party is about three things: scintillating conversation, delicious treats, and really good tea.
Let’s begin with the tea: they’re using tea bags, most likely some sawdust supermarket brand, and waving them about in the air. Hello? If you’re going to have a tea party, morans, you need to put some actual thought into it. What kind do my guests usually drink? What might push the envelope, maybe be a little adventurous? What do we have for those abstemious avoiders of caffeine, white sugar and dairy? On the other hand, how can we keep the hard-core alcoholics happy until cocktail hour? You don’t just throw a Red Rose at people, people! Strategize!
Next, the tasty treats. Now it just so happens that the Mad Librarian bakes a mean batch of scones, a cruel crock of cookies, and a positively anti-social Chai-Ginger Cheesecake. And don’t even get me started on my finger sandwiches! But, what refreshments have the teabaggers planned for their "party"? They do seem to be eating their hearts out and eating up white supremacist conspiracy theories, and they will probably have to eat both crow and humble pie when no one shows up for their little shindig, and when the economy recovers, they’ll definitely have to eat their words, but that hardly makes for an elegant and satisfying tea party menu. I fear their guests will leave both hungry and nauseated.
Finally, the conversation, probably their weakest point. Conversation relies on dialogue, which involves both speaking and listening. Their tea party will no doubt prominently feature the chanting of ungrammatical slogans, but that hardly qualifies. They may listen to Rush Limbaugh, but they really don’t have to, since we all know what he’s going to say, anyway. Conversation among warm, good-humored, intelligent, well-informed people who think for themselves and may even be blessed with the gift for a turn of phrase is the heart and soul of a successful tea party. And I just don’t see the teabaggers coming up with anything like that, do you?
Certainly, these "tea party" people will insist that they are following in the footsteps of certain patriots in Boston 200 some-odd years ago. Please. Those were fascinating human beings with an actual cause for complaint, risking their necks, literally, by confronting the most powerful empire on earth. And they, for heaven's sake, at least used a decent loose tea.