Although the recent catostrophic flailings of Republicans, both individually and en masse, have been wildly entertaining, we need to buckle down and follow President Obama's example and embrace the spirit of bi-partisanship. We are a two-party system, after all.
Given that they're obviously drowning, and since it's Friday after all, I've decided one way to help is to throw Republicans a life ring. (Whether they catch it is entirely up to them.) Additional suggestions are solicited, of course. I know you'll all want to help them out.
So, a few helpful hints for Republicans:
1. You've got to cultivate a higher quality base. I'm loathe to point this out, but you're wallowing in the muddy bottom of several barrels: the most rapacious of the greedy on Wall Street, the most fanatical of the Religious Right, the most virulent xenophobes, and the most belligerent of the automatic-weapons crowd. It really is turning into a base base. Tsk, tsk. Moderation is the key, not greater extremism. Secession? A complete non-starter. Run for the exits!
2. Amend the "Conservative" agenda to include actual conservation of something endangered besides corporate profits. May I propose starting with the middle class? (Yes, I know it's too much to expect you to actually reach out to the poor or polar bears yet. We'll have to ease you into those.) You could start by applauding the new tax cuts for the non-wealthy, instead of denying they exist. This would earn you double voter points, first for demonstrating you could possibly care about anyone who makes less than yacht wages; and, second, for telling an actual truth. Or, repeat after me: "Unions serve a useful and necessary function, and should be encouraged." Try it. Now, see, that didn't hurt too much. This behavioral alteration will also help you lose weight and make your teeth whiter.
3. The new "No" is "Aye" or "Yes, thank you". Republican members of Congress and governors apparently haven't received the memo clarifying the word switch. An unfortunate oversight. Be advised, from now on whenever you wish to indicate disagreement with Democratic bills, initiatives, or proposals use the new alternative words. Voters have already switched. Thank you for your cooperation.
4. While dignity and integrity may seem foreign, these qualities can attract real, living voters. Strange, I know, but there you are. As hard as it may be to alter habitual behaviors such as automatically lying repeating Republican talking points about everything Democratic, you must try. Attempt an original, non-partisan thought at least once a day.
5. Fox News is not your friend. Why they may seem to support and promote the Republican agenda, what they have actually done is encourage and enable the viral extemism that's reduced your base to the barrel-bottoms mentioned in point one. When you have to ask yourself, "How many Fox News anchors' brains can fit on the head of a pin?", then you have to start asking, "What are they doing to my brain?" A daily medicinal dose of Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow is recommended for brain re-enlargement.
The floor is open for additional suggestions and/or corrections.