Undisclosed Location, Iran - With a new era of global human rights being ushered in by United States of America, allies and axises of evil alike are coming on board for waterboarding. With pesky traditions like the Numerberg Principles finally filed away in a pre-9-11 world, certain countries are stretching their legs, and those of their prisoners, in the realm of what was once known as torture.
One such hatchman is Heydar Rastinpour, who is currently holding freelance journalist Roxana Saberi in a Iranian prison inspired by Bagram, a new international model opened recently by President Obama in Afghanistan.
"I remember when I brought the issue up of waterboarding this lady, because I mean, I don't want to hang from gallows and all," said Rastipour, soaking his towels in anticipation of the sixth enhanced interrogation of the day. "But then they pointed out the champions of human rights, none of than the USA, had basically okayed these techinques and that they were not punishable by law, I was told I could go hog wild, and even use a hog."
"When I force Saberia into a confined boxed and fill it with ants and spiders, I know I am just upholding a new fine American tradition. Plus I am just following orders, so I got immunity from prosecution," he added, before cranking up “Roxanne” by The Police to 11, which has been playing on endless loop at full blast to keep Ms. Saberi sleep-deprived since her arrival.
While some decry the new "moralization" for a by-gone era of human rights, most Americans seem ready to move on to a new set of new issues. A certain new segment of "good" Americans are bully for torture and have taken to putting dissenters of torture on a verbal heretic's fork, which is also now legal for use in real life, per President Obama. They have found some unlikely supporters.
"I could not be more pleased," said the 412,314th Al Qaeda #2 Ali Ali Akbar. "When we first started this war with the Great Satan, we had no idea they would adopt our version of "freedom" and our "views" on basic human rights for their own. Goes to show, if you really put the thumbscrews on people, they start using thumbscrews."
Not everyone is a fan though, especially Roxana Saberia, who has lived out her solo-Britney concert while confined in a Scavenger's Daughter. Through the gurgling of waterboarding and screams from inside a nightmarish box used to address her darkest phobies, when reached for a statement on this story, Saberia uttered this out of her Gossip's Bridle:
"Tell the people my story!"
By now, President Obama has heard the story of Roxana Saberi: the 40 waterboarding sessions in one week, the feared foreign objects introduced into dark confinement, days of sleep deprivation, the slamming of her head repeatedly against the wall, the face slapping, the belly slapping, forcing her stand naked in a 50 degree cell while being doused with ice cold water and she was definitely not given a pony as promised by Rastinpour.
Unfortunately for Saberia, who holds both USA and Iranian citizenship, all this torture happened last week and plans for her future torture sessions will be in the past before they are finally addressed by the world.
As President Obama said, when informed of the torture of this journalist at the hands of the Iranians, "Nothing will be gained by spending our time and energy laying blame for the past."
That statement brought a smile to Rastinpour, as he descended the tear-stained steps into his hidden mountain bunker-slash-torture chamber.
"You know, by the time they figure out I used The Wheel on this lady, it will already be in the past, so according to the USA, the gold standard on human rights, I am covered," Rastinpour yelled over the primeval churtlings for justice, due process and basic humanity dignity coming from the whimpering crumpled wreck formerly known as Roxana Saberia.
"Every time I turn the screws a little more, it's just me saying 'God Bless America, though you can barely hear it over the screaming."