Through my myriad connections in the film industry I was able to get into a double-secret showing of a rough cut of the new Star Trek movie. Scribbling manically with pen and paper I was able to transcribe the following shocking dramatization of the future of Republicans.
Tight close up: Giant creature springs up from the ground bellowing and howling. Dramatic music.
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Two-shot of Kirk and Spock:
Kirk: (softly) Analysis, Mr. Spock.
(Tricorder sounds)
Close up of Mr. Spock from the waste up.
Spock: It appears to be a bipedal species, Captain. (Peers deeply into his Tricorder, more sounds) Humanoid, originally from the planet Earth.
Close up of Kirk, expression of horror on his face.
Kirk: But that's impossible, Mr. Spock! Surely there must be a Tricorder error? Check the scanner to make sure that it isn't reading our image instead of the creature's.
(More annoying Tricorder sounds.)
Close up of Mr. Spock.
Spock: Affirmative, captain. The Tricorder has recalibrated itself and the findings are confirmed: This creature has human DNA. (Drums) The creature has no higher neurological functions, just a very simple nervous system, only capable of responding to primitive sensory inputs.
Close-up of creature; creature roars once again, flailing its tentacles and showing its gaping mouth parts.
Wide shot of Kirk and Spock.
Kirk: But it can't be human; its so vulgar, violent, hideous and unreasoning.
Spock: There's information from the Vulcan database that I believe you will find most fascinating. In your early twenty-first century a group of adherents to a long-dead philosophical concept called "Conservativism" experienced some dramatic shifts in the structure of their DNA. Essentially Captain, their morphological energy field evolved them in a very rapid time frame into a creature that best expressed their philosophical makeup. They were rendered harmless, rounded up and sent off on a deep-space sleeper ship in the middle of the twenty-first century. Their departure helped usher in a new century of progress, prosperity and worldwide peace.
Kirk: So this monster is a descendant of humans?
Spock: Affirmative.
Kirk: But this creature that you say represents those Conservatives... it's just a mindless, unthinking giant asshole with fangs!
Spock: Precisely, captain.