Breaking: Senator Lindsay Graham Switches from Straight to Gay

In a move that surprised very few, Republican Senator Lindsay Graham left the heterosexual community of which he is thought to have been a part for many years and announced that henceforth he will identify as Gay.
"I didn't leave the breeders," Graham complained, "the breeders left me."

  Graham went on to explain that since the retirement of Idaho senator Larry Craig, he had been feeling quite lonely and isolated as one of the Senate's completely straight Republicans.
  He noted that he would not change his stance on EFCA, Health Care, or even on Gay issues. "In fact," he said, "I will probably have even more credibility opposing gay marriage and hate crime legislation as a gay person.
  "No one can accuse me of hating my own self!", he exclaimed, "My right wing positions will carry even greater weight due to my superior morality."
  He also reiterated his belief that being gay is a choice, explaining, "Look, I just chose to choose to be gay, so doesn't that prove my point?"
He noted that opposing gay marriage and preventing the inclusion of sexual preference in hate crimes legislation would be his top priority in the Senate.

  In a related development, conservative Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas has announced that he is changing his ethnic identity to white.
  "I just feel like it's no fun being a rabid black conservative anymore," Clarence explained, "I used to be able to write my own ticket, but it's old hat now, so what's the point of even being black?" He also expressed his disappointment and occasional bitterness that 90% of black people think he's a jerk.