Recently, leaders of the Republican Party launched a nationwide listening tour to learn how they can rebrand their image and win national elections again
As a lifelong Democrat, I would like to offer the GOP some advice on how to do this...
- Republicans Should Keep Purifying Their Base - Almost 19% of Americans will still follow the G.O.P. to the gates of hell. But if you think about it, isn’t 19% kind of a high number? Being a Republican should be and always was about exclusivity. Would you join a country club that accepted 81% of the general population? Isn't the word moderate just another word for gay? Republicans should try whittle that 19% number down as much as possible. Which leads me to my next recommendation...
- The G.O.P. Doesn’t Need Every Southern White Male Evangelical Vote
I know what you’re Repubs are thinking, "Aren’t southern white male evangelicals the only Republicans left?" Absolutely. But do you really want evangelicals from godless Obama states like Virginia or North Carolina? I think not. Come to think of it, maybe you guys should alienate South Carolina. Doesn't South Carolina share the same border as North Carolina? (South Carolina probably contracted herpes from that encounter)
- Republicans Should Run Sarah Palin in Every Presidential Election until 2020. Of course she’ll probably lose every election until 2020, but don’t let that stop you. By 2020, newspapers won’t exist so Sarah won’t get tripped up by that gotcha "What papers do you read?" question.
4 Ignore the Polls About Stem Cell Research- According to polls, the overwhelming majority of Americans support President Obama’s lifting of the stem cell ban. But what are polls really? They’re just precise data accumulations that reveal what people really want. Who cares about that? What you Republicans need to do is to continue to obsess about stem cells, like you do with abortion or gay marriage. These issues, more than ever, are very important to the millions of Americans who now live in their cars.
- To Capture the Youth Vote, The GOP Should Malign Socialism At Every Opportunity There’s nothing in this world twenty-somethings hate more than socialism. Everyday I overhear kids discussing the .failings of economic egalitarianism and the recent threat against an unregulated free enterprise system. Even more than Nintendo Wiis, teenagers today love being lectured about the evils of class-warfare and wealth distribution. They also like being preached sexual abstinence.
- The Republicans Should Change Their Party Mascot from an Elephant to a Naked, Greased Up Rush Limbaugh.
The elephant will probably be extinct in a year anyway, so this is no big loss. However, every American loves El Rushbo. People are just begging for the opportunity to see Limbaugh’s man boobs and taint slathered in Crisco. That Adonis will be burned in the minds of all those important swing voters during the 2010 midterm elections... How could you lose?