Listen up, you candy-asses. Freedom ain’t free, and if we as Americans are going to pursue our God-given right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of flatscreen televisions and destitute old age, we’ve got to fight those Islamo-fascists over there before they prevent us from shopping over here.
Fall in and listen up to General David Petraeus, top brass of U.S. Central Command:
"Expect tough fighting. As we and our allies launch operations to improve security, the enemy will fight back. When we launched the ‘surge of offensives’ in Iraq, al Qaeda-Iraq elements sought to retain their sanctuaries and safe havens. We experienced tough combat. We'll see the same in Afghanistan. In preparation, and in response to Gen. McKiernan's request for additional forces, we've been deploying ‘enabler’ elements in addition to the ground combat units. This will ensure that our troopers have the support they need -- attack and lift helicopters, unmanned aerial vehicles, various intelligence systems, route clearance units, MRAP [mine-resistant ambush-protected] vehicles, EOD [bomb-disposal] elements and logistics units."
Got that, you sorry sons-of-bitches? That means every swinging dick out of the fart sack now. Drop your cocks and grab your socks – we’ve got Islamo-fascist fighting to do!
And as for you sec-u-lar hu-man-ist pinkos that are asking why we’ve got to come strong and go balls-to-the-wall in Afghanistan? Well, let The General tell you:
"The mission is to ensure that Afghanistan does not again become a sanctuary for al Qaeda and other transnational extremists. That's what it had become before the operations conducted in the wake of 9/11. Al Qaeda wants to carry out further attacks on the US and our allies, and we need to deny them safe havens in which they can plan and train for such attacks."
"We can, but it won't be easy. To accomplish our mission, we and our coalition and Afghan partners need to reverse the decline in security; develop Afghan forces that can shoulder the burden of security in their country over time; help establish governance that wins local support -- which means incorporating some traditional structures, and support the improvement of basic services for the Afghan people. This will be hard, but the mission's critical. As we used to say about Iraq: Hard is not hopeless."
Got that, you sorry bastards?! The War On Terror ™ don’t come cheap. It’s a damn good thing so many young men today shave their heads like Justin Tinkerbell – even though most don’t have his Brillo hair pubes on their heads and don’t have to shave their heads like he does. It’ll be one less step to conscript those bastards into Uncle Sam’s Club.
Now, get out there and start shopping!
At ease.