From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Senator Snowe
Senator Snowe
I'll have you know
That there's a welcoming and warm place you can go
I know you're pissed
And you feel dissed
And Limbaugh says that if you leave you won’t be missed
It breaks my heart
('Cause I know you're smart)
That your party treats you like a stinky fart
Glenn Beck's a boor
Gingrich is sore
The GOP base thinks you're to the left of Gore
So ditch the brats
Those pesky gnats
Come leap across the aisle and join the Democrats
We're not big babies
We ain't got rabies
(Though we do suspect that Bayh might have the scabies)
Your party's sinking
Your polls are stinking
But our great big 'Welcome' sign is up and blinking
So take a chance
Let's make romance
(Every Tuesday we serve caviar from France!)
So please, Ms. Snowe
Give it a go
You'll be loved from Kennebunk to Orono
There'll be no snarlin'
We love ya, darlin'
And you can boogie once again with your pal Arlen
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, May 21, 2009
Note: Breaking! Lemon Growers Association unveils new TV ads opposing tart reform. Film at 11.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Fred Phelps and his merry band arrive in Key West to protest the town high school's gay-straight alliance (and, we hope, grab a quick bowl of conch chowder at Crabby Dick's---it's sinfully delicious): 1
Days `til the Bellevue Jazz Festival in Washington: 1
Amount the average U.S. household spent in 2007: $49,638
Amount spent on food: $6,133
(Source: Bureau of Labor Statistics via Time)
Number of homeless people who died on the streets of Portland last year: 21
(Source: Portland Daily Sun)
Age difference between Washington Post newbie Ezra Klein and Washington Post "Dean" David Broder: 55
(Source: John Cole)
Days since Sean Hannity said he'd be water-tortured for charity on Fox News: 29
(Source: Keith Olbermann)
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
The charm of Ronald Reagan is not just that he kept telling us screwy things, it was that he believed them all. No wonder we trusted him, he never lied to us. That patented Reagan ability to believe what he wants to---damn the facts, full speed ahead---gave the entire decade its Alice in Wonderland quality. You just never knew what the president would take into his head next---or what odd things were already lurking there. His stubbornness, even defiance, in the face of facts ("stupid things," he once called them in a memorable slip) was nothing short of splendid. It made no difference how often you told him something he didn’t want to believe. The man still thought you could buy vodka with food stamps, that he never traded arms for hostages, and that the Soviet Union has sent billions of dollars of weapons to the Sandinistas. This is the man who proved that ignorance is no handicap to the presidency.
---October, 1989
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Hey...loved your fifth symphony, dude.
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(tepid) CHEERS to honest questions. Okay, this isn’t bad. You've probably heard that the fundamentalist hangers-on in Maine are launching a drive to force a citizens veto vote on our recently-passed marriage equality bill. The secretary of State says this is how the question will be worded: "Do you want to reject the new law that lets same-sex couples marry and allows individuals and religious groups to refuse to perform these marriages?" It'll be interesting to see how people interpret it. I suspect that many will say "yes" to repealing the first half, but "no" to repealing the second part. Confused people are less inclined to sign a petition. In my dreams, anyway.
P.S. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but ain't gonna be no gay marriage in New hampshire for a bit. My jaw still feels like it's in a granite state.
JEERS to NIMBY (Not In My Back Yard) Mania. They incarcerate terrorist detainees in France. They incarcerate terrorist detainees in Germany. They incarcerate terrorist detainees in Italy. They incarcerate terrorist detainees in Spain. They incarcerate terrorist detainees in Britain. They incarcerate terrorist detainees in Holland. They incarcerate terrorist detainees in Canada. They incarcerate terrorist detainees in Australia. And guess what? They don’t have any problems keeping them under lock and key. But that fact fell on deaf ears in the Senate yesterday, when 90 members of the upper chamber endorsed a vote of no-confidence in our maximum-security prisons by refusing to fund the shutdown of the Guantanamo gulag. And to those senator critics who say, "But Obama didn’t have a plan," I say this: You funneled endless wheelbarrows of money to Bush for the Iraq war, and tens of billions got carted off in palettes of C-notes with nary a tut-tut from you idiots. Actually, in hindsight Bush was right: oceans can't protect us. From ourselves.
CHEERS to cavorting with the enemy. Oh my god, this is so reckless! A U.S. president gallivants to the capital of our sworn adversary to shake hands and yuk it up and also avert World War III and silly stuff like that. It must've been a peacenik Democrat, right? Wrong. Thirty seven years ago today, President Nixon traveled to the Soviet Union...and came away with signatures on an anti-ballistic missile treaty. Lesson: Barack Obama needs to cancel his Russia trip, because he says he'll just shake hands and yuk it up and avert World War III with treaties and silly stuff like that. I mean, c'mon: wasn't one Nixon enough?
CHEERS to discovering another missing link. Uh-oh...the creationists aren't gonna be happy about this: we done gone and found another one of our ancient grandmas:
A discovery of a 47 million-year-old fossil primate that is said to be a human ancestor was announced and unveiled Tuesday at a press conference in New York City. Known as "Ida," the nearly complete transitional fossil is 20 times older than most fossils that provide evidence for human evolution.
Said John McCain's 97 year-old mother, Roberta: "I think I used to play bridge with her. Very sore loser. We lost a lot of fingers to 'that one.'"
CHEERS to partying parties. On this date in 1832, the first Democratic National Convention got under way in Baltimore. The top issue was Andrew Jackson's contempt for the Second Bank of the United States. And there was this interesting factoid:
[T]he Summary of the Proceedings notes that a delegation was sent to ask Charles Carroll of Carrollton to attend. At that moment in time, he was the last surviving signer of the Declaration of Independence. Carroll declined, citing ill health. (He died later that year.)
But the highlight was New Yorker Martin Van Buren's Veep speech, delivered while sucking helium from red, white and blue balloons. Quoth the crowd: "His voice doth emit a humorous tone. Guffaw, I say!" Wild times.
HA HA! to clumsy takesy-backsies. Have you noticed how many times Republicans publish bullshit on their blogs or web sites and end up pulling them down because they get shamed by normal people? One more example reared its hilarious head this week. Here's the scoop:
Last week, Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL) named William Smith as the chief counsel for the GOP on the Senate Judiciary Committee. David Ingram of Legal Times reports today that Smith recently compared support for same-sex marriage to support for pedophilia. In a blog post that has now been taken down, Smith responded to former McCain campaign manager Steve Schmidt’s [pro-gay-marriage] speech to the Log Cabin Republicans by writing that he wondered "if next week Schmidt will take his close minded stump speech to a NAMBLA meeting. For those unfamiliar with NAMBLA, the acronym is for North American Man Boy Love Association." Smith also compared same-sex marriage to bestiality.
Which always, in my mind, prompts the question: how do you know so much about NAMBLA and bestiality, sir? Let me guess: either Wikipedia or "That one time at band camp."
JEERS to Speeding Speeders and the Speedsters They Speed In. In 1901, Connecticut became the first state to enact a speed law. Motor vehicles couldn't exceed a whopping 12 mph. I think the cops wrote tickets while trotting alongside 'em.
JEERS to re-branding denied. Sorry, gang, but we hafta stay the "Democratic Party" for another year, seeing as the RNC failed to pass their resolution yesterday that would've re-labeled us the Democrat Socialist Party. But at least they put some serious thought into the effort:
"One point of view is that calling them a 'socialist party' is not quite accurate; they're more like a 'national socialist party' the way the Nazis were."
Thanks a lot, crazy old paranoid white guys. Now what am I gonna do with the five hundred boxes of Democrat Socialist Party stationery I've got sitting in my living room? Somebody pass the ketchup.
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Five years ago in C&J: May 21, 2004
CHEERS to Iraq sovereignty. Bush says it's time for the fledgling government to "take the training wheels off." A good thing, because he really, really needs them back.
JEERS to Bush reassurances. Addressing congressional Republicans on Capitol Hill, he promises to "stay the course." You've never seen so many nitroglycerin tablets go under so many tongues at the same time.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to Senator #60. Happy 58th birthday, Al Franken! It's gonna be awhile until he's seated (the state Supremes won't even hear Coleman's opening arguments until June 1), so until then I get my Franken fix from his books, most notably the mega-hit, LIES and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them. I like this from the last chapter:
Yes, I am a liberal, and I'm proud of it. It's a term we need to reclaim. Because I believe that most Americans are liberals just like me. Most Americans believe in helping people. And most Americans believe that the government has a role to play---to create opportunity, to protect the environment, to provide for the common good. ...
While it might not seem like I'm changing the tone when I accuse my friends on the right of being liars, my hope is that, if we keep calling them on their calculated dishonesty, their dishonesty will lose its effectiveness.
Then O'Reilly and company will have to resort to Plan B: name-calling. Which, I think, will expose them for what they are. Stupid bastards.
If you forgot to get him a present, I'm sure he'd be grateful for a little coin to fight Coleman's legal team. Happy Birthday, Al. And many blessings on your camels.
Have a great Thursday. As you head out into the big bad world, don't forget to read the fine print. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
What's left of the human race continues to rage against the machines in Cheers and Jeers
---Claudia Puig
USA Today
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