Groucho Marx is working for Federal Law Enforcement. Most recently, he came up with a lovely script which will be playing at a cineplex near you...and it is sidesplitting: Find four total lost morons - one a failed purse snatcher, one a crack addict, and all ex-cons. Introduce them to a federal undercover cooperator and have the agent ply them with money, plans, and ideas. Teach them that a "Stinger" is more than a bumblebee's weapon and how to spell "C-4." Have them choose between four Synagogues to blow up. Then call the press and get those damn terrorists.
Really, just take a couple moments and play with the dialogue as these four numb-nuts pile into a car and drive around New York State looking to buy a gun. They end up having to drive all the way to Brooklyn for a $700 handgun. Can someone tell me what a bombing crew is going to do with a gun? Were they going to share it? Why did they pay twice the street value for it? Why does none of this make sense?
Why am I feeling so unsafe?
If done right, this movie would be so damn funny. I can just imagine Marx Bros. travails as they labor to find a gun in a country awash in guns. The group of these clowns pile into a car and drive around the State of New York looking for a handgun and finally bought "a $700 pistol from a Bloods gang leader in Brooklyn." I'm still trying to figure out 1) what four guys were going to do with a gun if they were bombers? 2) were they that daft they couldn't find a gun nearer to them and for the "real" street value - $300?
Okay, so I'm going to be setting off C-4 and shooting Stinger Missiles at planes so I need a gun for what? I need a gun because an FBI informant told me I needed one and gave me too much money to buy one. Most importantly, the FBI agent has a vague understanding of Federal Sentencing Laws and knows they have to get a gun in the mix to drive the sentence up. This is a game called Paint Criminals By Numbers because we can't seem to get this month's quota.
I live this everyday and while it is almost comical, but still tragic, when it is your local cops creating large drug dealers out of guys selling grams it scares the pants off me that the same hapless agents are now protecting us from "terrorists."
Nabbing real "bad guys" takes brains, money, effort, and patience. When you mix poorly trained wanna-be agents, politics, hunger for results, and egos....poor outcomes result and Marx Bros. scripts get made. Yet, none of us really benefit.
In my corner of the world we call this sentencing entrapment, stupidity, and very poor use of law enforcement resources - just dumb and dangerous. Take a slow bumbling two time loser petty criminal and turn them into the Big Kahuna. Call the press, call your boss, call your Mom, and deliver the big criminal.
One of my most recent cases was just this(the facts and names have been tweaked to protect the client): Mike is a small time powder cocaine dealer. Mike is a working stiff who still likes to drink beer and "do lines" on the weekend. He sells from time to time to old friends. Joe, one of his "old friends" drives down every couple of months and picks up "an eight-ball" from his buddy Mike. That is $200 dollars at 3.5 grams. Mike has 5 or six other people like this. For Mike it means he makes $600 a month and gets a good 2-3 grams of free powder per month. At this level of dealing few officers would ever spend more than 5 minutes investigating. It is a "small" case, not sexy, and certainly not getting anyone the promotion they want.
On one unfortunate day, after picking 3.5 grams, poor Joe gets pulled over by troopers for speeding soon after buying from Mike. Joe, a very nervous guy, lets the troopers know, pretty quickly, "that I have some coke wedged in the crack of my ass." The local cops call DEA and a plan is hatched. They wire up Joe and have him call Mike. After 20 calls Mike is finally found awake, interested, and willing to talk about something other than the girl he is shagging. You can just see the agents going ape shit because Mike will not settle down and talk turkey. The agents have a script worked out and they are jonesing to play it. By this time the agents have sold this as a "big bust in the workings" to their boss and have involved the feds. These troopers, now turned federal agents, really need to deliver. Otherwise it is back to writing tickets on Route 95. Nor will buying 3.5 grams of coke do little more than get officers/agents fired for wasting dwindling law enforcement resources. Thus, Joe, while "wired up" will certainly not be limiting his order to powder cocaine. Coke/Powder does not have a sexy edge to it and you really are not going to get minimum mandatory sentence in the federal system for a couple of ounces of powder. Thus, Joe's new script has Mike delivering six ounces of crack cocaine and accepting two guns into the mix. This is as nutty as going to your Laundromat and ordering up foie gras - Mike can’t spell "crack" and he doesn’t know the difference between a gun and a stick of gum.
Anywho, the new deputized cops and federal agents start by wiring up Nervous Joe and getting him to call Mike and ask for 6 ounces of powder. Joe is given a cover story, which he dutifully delivers to Mike, about his friend who just received a big settlement check from a car accident and how his friend wants to parlay it into more money by buying/selling some coke. When Joe spurts out his request for six ounces, 40 times more coke than he has ever bought before from Mike, there is a long silence. Mike himself has never seen, bought, or even computed this amount. You can hear Mike's brain doing the math. "I can make $3,000 and have enough coke to party for a good month!" This is where law enforcement has the big advantage - greed. The greed factor will always lure the Mike's of the world into doing really dumb dumb things - things they would never have done but for the whacked idea of the script writer. Anyway, Mike says "I'll call my connect and get back to you." The ensuing dozen plus calls are almost too funny - Mike and Joe going back and forth trying to plan on the delivery, costs, etc. Remember, these two guys have never done this and can’t seem to get it straight.
But don’t forget my dear reader - Joe ordered six ounces of "powder" and the script called for "crack." Thus, near the end of the deal Joe slips in "no dude, I wanted ‘crack’ not ‘powder.’" Thus, we have to endure another 13 calls as Mike tries to find crack, get prices, etc. All of this taking place over two days as a Desperate/Nervous Joe searches for "a Mike" who is awake, interested, and willing to talk about something other than the "hot chick" he is shagging. In the end Mike can only get 20 grams of crack. Yet, there is a real hurdle...delivery. Mike does not deliver. Mike is sans car. So the agents have Joe deliver the best of lines - "dude, if you drive up here I’ll give you two free guns plus the money for the crack." Mike’s response is silence. First, he doesn’t own/need/want guns and it is again like ordering foie gras at Home Depot. You can hear the tone in Joe’s voice - pure desperation. The agents have Joe believing his good looks are going to be traded around a prison yard, for decades, like a pack of Lucky Strikes if this deal doesn’t end up according to script. When Mike’s pea brain just can’t compute the new input - "guns," Joe blurts out the name of a mutual friend they have, who loves guns, and suggests they call him to deliver the 20 grams, across state lines, for the two free "burners." With this we are made to endure another 13 taped calls which sound like morons trying to find their asses with both hands. Eric, the new party and driver, has much on his plate and seems to be so stoned on pot that motivation has become an issue in his life. Call #57 has Nervous/Desperate Joe screaming at Eric to "stay awake and focused" while repeating, over and over, driving directions.
In the end Eric picks up the crack from Joe. It isn’t 20 grams but what the heck? - 19 is close enough. Eric gets lost 3 times despite the directions being "go north on Route 95, take exit 32, and go to the Irving Gas Station at the end of the exit." At one point the agents forget to turn off the tape machine and we get to hear their banter while they wait in the dead of a very northern winter at the Irving Station. It is too funny - the agents are cold, mad because it is only 20 grams, and wondering where the Stoner Eric is after 2 hours when it was a 45 minute drive. The agents are sounding so pissed you half believe they are going to shoot both Joe and Eric when the deal is done for little more than revenge.
In the end Eric and Mike are indicted for conspiracy to possess with an intent to deliver more than 5 grams of crack cocaine and with possession of a firearm in connection with a violent felony. The crack carries a mandatory minimum of 5 years and the guns carry another mandatory minimum of 5 years. Thus, Mike and Eric both receive ten years in Federal Prison. Joe gets "a walk" for cooperating, the local agents get to brag they "worked with the Feds on this one," and the Feds get to hold a press conference while they talk about how they broke up a crack dealing gang which was shipping both drugs and guns between states. We all sleep so much better.
Now the best attorney in the world can’t do shyte for these boys. The Entrapment Defense does not work here. For that to work you would need someone who has NEVER been involved in any type of drugs to be induced into drug dealing. Certainly, Mike had sold drugs. Plus, Eric had been in the "mix" to an extent where he too could not claim to be a "babe in the woods." The matter goes to trial, the jury is unmoved by the agents turning Mr. 3.5 grams of powder into 20 grams of crack and guns. All the jury knows is they hear the tapes and these "bad men" were selling drugs and guns." Who cares if the agents wrote the script. "Good God Fearing Men don’t do this." - GUILTY! Had the agents simply busted the men for their crimes of buying/selling powder they would have done less than 2 years...at most. The agents know this, the supervisors know this, the judges know this, the U.S. Attorneys know this, and no one gives a rat’s ass - they are all lining up for their press, promotions, and statistics. Mike, Eric and the attorneys fight like hell - but no one seems to care.
Now go back and read the New York Times article about the "terrorists." A crack addict, purse snatcher, and two other ex-cons. They get induced to buy guns, C-4, and a Stinger Missile, and find a Synagogue. WE ARE TALKING ABOUT A FAILED PURSE SNATCHER HERE TURNED INTO A C-4'ING AND STINGER MISSILE-ING MUSLIM TERRORIST? - PLEASE SOMEONE WAKE THE HELL UP!!
We are no safer, Obama’s Justice Department is still a bunch of lackeys manufacturing terrorists, unless someone wakes up, the real bad guys are going to dye laughing. Do not get me wrong - I love the new president. Yet, until we scream, collectively, for "real change" we are going to get these useless, meaningless, bedtime stories for the rest of our like. For shame.