I cried today. Harder than I've cried in a long time - about as hard as I cried one year ago, on May 15, 2008, when the California Supreme Court ruled that separate but equal is not equal.
My tears then were tears of joy.
Today, just the opposite.
Today I feel empty, hollowed out, and worn out.
I've been fighting for equality ever since I first realized that I am gay, first by giving myself the right and support to be myself, and then by seeking that same recognition from society.
I'm tired of the rhetoric, from organizations saying that "now is the time to fight" to Arnold Schwarzenegger saying that we should accept this decision without getting angry to other electeds giving us platitudes about the long arc of equality.
Goddammit I am so sick and tired of being a second-class citizen. I am so sick and tired of paying my fair share of taxes, abiding by all the goddamn rules, and being a "productive" member in a society that has cut out my legs from under me.
I'm not going to riot. It's counter-productive. I'm not going to just shout at people because I'm angry. It's doesn't accomplish what I want. But I will continue to fight for my rights, even as the long slog continues to wear my spirit down.
I want equality, and not just because it's "good" or "nice." It's because equality is the smart thing. When you treat people equally - when you enjoin them in our bigger purpose - you make us all stronger. Period. End of story.
For now, I am less interested in giving my all. I am less interested in being part of a State and a citizenry that has deemed me worthy only of "civil unions" as a consolation prize. I will fight for my equality, but I'm really sick and tired of being told that I'm less than. I'm certainly less interested in being there for my many straight friends as they get married - no offense, but I'm just not that excited to celebrate inequality.
I'm 31 years old, and I am prepared to hear from all sorts of bigoted people for nearly the rest of my life that I don't deserve equality. But at least the laws of the land shouldn't allow that bigotry to stand. That is my goal.
Nothing else to say - just a mix of emotions and needed to vent. Thanks for reading.