Best Lawyer in the Land (BLL): You want me to do what, Mr. President?
President: I want you to write a memo that says I can order Agent Igor to torture people.
BLL: Well of course you "can," Mr. President. You’re Commander-in-Chief of the greatest military power in history. Just order him to do it.
President: But Igor won’t do it because he thinks it’s not "legal."
BLL: Well Igor is wrong. It is "legal." I know it’s legal because I’ve studied the law on this for years and – well, -- I’m the Best Lawyer in the Land.
President: But Igor wants something in writing that says it’s "legal." That’s what I want you to give to him.
BLL: Well, now, that’s a problem. You see, I know what Igor really wants. He doesn’t care if it’s "legal." What he wants is assurance that he’s not going to be punished for war crimes when you are no longer Commander-in-Chief. I can’t guarantee that. You can’t guarantee that. Nobody can. In fact, I can’t guarantee that you won’t be punished.
President: But I thought you said it would be legal. If it’s legal, how could we be punished?
BLL: Well, let me explain. The world is full of wrong people. In fact, right now, those wrong people all think torture is never legal. Some of those wrong people are prosecutors, some are judges, and some are jurors. Oddly, some are even voters. Now, they are wrong. Torture is legal if you order it. I know because they are wrong and I’m the Best Lawyer in the Land. But that doesn’t mean they can’t wrongly prosecute you, wrongly judge you, and wrongly put you in prison. Yeah, I know. You and I have been fighting for years to keep wrong people from running this country. But there are so many of them! You see, whether torture is legal and whether you will get away with it are two different questions. Poor Igor doesn’t know the difference.
President: Well, if Igor doesn’t know the difference, then let’s just tell him it’s "legal" and let him take his chances. He’s trash anyway.
BLL: Well, now, that’s another problem. You see, that would be crossing the line between telling you torture is legal and helping you do it. I’m a lawyer. In fact, I’m the Best Lawyer in the Land. Nobody’s going to let me play dumb.
President: Well, dammit! I need that memo.
BLL: Hey, I know. Why don’t you get that idiot Bybee to do it! He thinks it’s all about "legal." He’s dumber than Igor.
President: Brilliant idea! That’s why you’re the Best Lawyer in the Land...
BLL: ...and Bybee isn’t.