Internal monologue of a conservative pundit:
According to multiple eye-witnesses, earlier this week, "President" Barry HUSSEIN NObama was observed ordering a hamburger with... spicy mustard!!!!This only confirms the terrible secret we conservatives have suspected him of concealing all along: that Barry HUSSEIN NObama is a secret food-connoisseur! Now that this unspeakable evil has been exposed for all to see, follow me below the fold to see how this is just the first stepping stone on the infernal garden path to TYRANNY!
First, spicy mustard? Sounds inappropriate. We Real Americans like our food bland and tasteless. Dijohn mustard? Real Americans aren't sure how you spell it, but it sounds French. And expensive too! I mean, Grey Poupon often sells for up to 2 WHOLE DOLLARS more than French's original! Only a liberal elitist could afford a $3 condiment. We Real Americans buy our bland nutrient-less yellow-food-dyed mustard-based product at Wal-Mart and we don't like little seeds or specks of flavor or whatever the hell those things are. Look like little bugs. The president eats bugs! Ew, gross!
Though come to think of it, a Real American wouldn't put mustard on his burger anyway. Even French's sounds foreign somehow, in a vague kind of way I can't quite put my finger on. Real Americans put ketchup on their burgers! Bright-red ketchup enhanced by red food-dye additive! Now that's the stuff! But come to think of it, didn't John Kerry's wife own Heinz Ketchup? Now that's an elitist condiment! Real Americans only eat Hunt's. Besides, Heinz tastes too spicy anyway. Hunt's has more of a... well, a fruity taste actually. Wait, that could be a problem, Real Americans don't eat fruit, only red meat. Tomato is a fruit, right? Some elitist egghead Jeopardy contestant said so and won, so I guess it is. Alex Trebec wouldn't lie to us (though his name does sound suspiciously French)...
Probably safest to swear off ketchup altogether and not risk looking unpatriotic or unmasculine-like. Real Americans eat burgers without condiments, just raw. "Medium well"? "Char-broiled"? Nobama, get with the program! Real-Americans like their burgers raw and bloody. It shouldn't go near a flame if you can help it and if it "moo's" when you bite into it, you've done it right. Of course, Real Americans wouldn't actually kill the cow themselves. That would be barbaric! Real Americans pay someone else to do that for us. But we won't pay them too much, that would be elitist!
And what did NObama get for a side? Potato puffs! Whatever happened to Freedom Fries? Or potato chips? Those are the snacks Real Americans eat! Oh, and pretzels, too, Bush liked pretzels. Though, come to think of it, don't pretzels seem a bit suspicious? All twisty and curvy, like our tortured rationales for waterboarding? Actually, never mind, that makes them the perfect snack for Real Americans. If you have any qualms, just tell yourself they've been put in a stess-position, one of our tasty new Enhanced Snacking Techniques (EST).
The threat is real. The storm clouds are gathering. And I am afraid. Americans have for generations cherished the simple pleasure of scarfing down as much food as possible as quickly as possible, without actually tasting it. If NObama and his liberal minions get their way, soon we will all be forced to eat healthy, flavorful food that we savor in our mouths and eat slowly as we talk for hours with friends and family. America will become France. We will preemptively surrender to the Islamofacist hoards. The only thing standing between Western civilization and the abyss is our slovenly eating habits. Now is the time for true patriots to come forward in defense of the traditional definition of "lunch" ("One man, one dead animal, 5 minutes tops")-- before it's too late!
Feel free to leave your questions in the comments section if you are worried about the loyalties of your eating habits. We'll never be able to take back this country until we can take back the hamburger!