I don't know exactly what may have gone on in certain diaries yesterday or today that resulted in lost of nasty things being said and some users being suspended or banned or taking voluntary timeouts or whatnot. I read a diary that alluded to these things and linked to another diary and so forth, but I didn't read the link.
I really don't want to. I don't think it will do anything positive for me, and I don't think it's doing anything positive for the community.
And I'm feeling rather positive right now. I want that to last.
I've lived in the shadow of clinical depression for very nearly my whole life (which spans over forty years, if you must know). Sometimes that shadow has been fairly short, and other times it's been overwhelmingly long. Within the last five years, it was large enough that I thought I might never see the sun again, like traveling through a tunnel so long you can't even see the light at the end.
Something's happened in the couple of weeks, though. The shadow has almost completely disappeared. I'm not even taking medication for it, and it's almost imperceptible.
And I've suddenly, unexpectedly, rediscovered the feeling of joy.
I know it's not going to last forever, especially without meds. I had actually planned to consult my doctor pretty soon about resuming depression medication, but at the moment, I'd feel silly doing it. "Hey doc, let's talk Effexor. Symptoms? Well, actually, right now I feel great. Oh, well... because I'm sure that eventually, I'm going to be depressed again..."
Anyway, while I'm out here in the sunlight, I intend to make the most of it. I don't mind arguing my position on some diary, even heatedly, but I sure as hell have no interest in picking sides in any flamewars. I have spent enough time involuntarily trapped in darkness that I know how precious the daylight really is. To get up in the morning without the weight of non-specific misery on my shoulders; to find myself smiling or giggling for pretty much no reason; to realize that I can't seem to stop whistling... these are small miracles for someone like me.
I am the kind of person who laughs a lot, even when I'm depressed. I'm the sort of depressive who doesn't seem like a depressive to people who don't know me well. But to have good feeling just sort of bubbling up from some internal psychic spring is, for me, the kind of spiritual windfall that can't be squandered. It's something to be cherished and given thanks for and spent like an unexpectedly huge tax refund. I feel the sun on my face in the depths of my heart, and I honest to god have tears on my face right now as I type that.
Maybe this all sounds silly to you. It probably is over the top. I don't care! I'm happy as hell, and I'm going to take it some more! I'm going to take it and take it until it's all gone, and then I'm going to comfort myself with the thought that it will come back again someday.
But in the meantime, I'm going to live as a joyous person. I'm going to try to point out the good things to people who see only the bad, and if they get mad at me, I'm going to try not to get mad back, AND I'm going to try not to make them madder. (It's that second step most people, me included, usually skip.) If I do get mad, I'm going to try to walk away. Because my joy won't thrive in that kind of environment, and I want to keep it growing for as long as I can.
I'm going to try to be the kind of person who makes other people feel better, because I want to share this joyous feeling. I won't do it in obvious ways, delivering clunky flattery or awkward pats on the back, but I'll try to let my joy be seen in my diaries and comments. At least, where appropriate.
I genuinely believe that everything this community wants to accomplish, individually and collectively, can be better achieved through a positive approach than through a negative one. So I want to feed positive feeling and starve the negative around here as much as I can.
Does this mean I won't post snarky comments? Probably not. But I think I'll try to limit them. I want to aim for feeding my nobler impulses, and that's likely better accomplished by, you know, not being an ass.
Mainly, I'm just going to let my spirit be warmed by that sunlight on my face. Close your eyes. Can you feel it, too?