I thought that some of the newly released e-mails from Mark Sanford (R-SC, Argentina) to his Latin lover sounded a tad familiar, so I decided to do a little research. I went into the room where I hide my porn stash (you have one too, and you know it) and dug out my back issues of Penthouse. After an hour of searching and an additional hour of "me time" I emerged with this little gem:
Editorial note: I've redacted some of the text so as to meet the high standards of etiquette of the DailyKos website.
Dear Penthouse Forum,
I never thought I'd be writing to you, but I simply had to share my recent erotic experiences with you and your readers. I must tell you that I am a somewhat well known and powerful individual, but I have been humbled by the beauty and eroticism of a beautiful exotic, foreign beauty. She's beautiful.
Not only is Maria beautiful, she's sophisticated. Her sophistication matches her beauty, that's how sophisticated she is. I told her as much as she [REDACTED] my quite impressive [REDACTED]. But I'm getting ahead of myself. When I first laid eyes on her curvaceous curviness and her lined taniness, my [REDACTED] came to life like it hadn't done in the years of my marriage (which is a sacred institution between one man and one woman.) I fought a torturous battle with my inner demons for at least five minutes before I succumbed to temptation and chose to disregard those most sacred and strictly heterosexual vows and taste the fruit of this exotic beauty's [REDACTED].
In our first moments together I experienced a flame in my loins that could only be extinguished by her [REDACTED]. My [REDACTED] [REDACTED]
her [REDACTED] for what must have been hours...
I think I'll have to stop the transcription at this point and pick up again at the end. Suffice it to say that the missing portion reveals little insight into the soul of the writer, but what it lacks in poetry it makes up for in embellishments of the size of his wang.
I'll tell you that there are 5 uses of the term "member," 3 of "engorged," and 1 of "free-market capitalism." It ends:
Thank you, Penthouse for providing this Forum. Having an outlet that I can use to share my story, which would completely ruin my career and possibly my family life if I were to share it with the public or those close to me, is a true public service.
God bless you and keep you,
Mark in S.C.