Dear MSNBC,
I love my dad. Can I be on TV?
Granted, my dad was never so incompetent as to allow the worst ever terrorist attack on U.S. soil. He never lied a nation into starting an illegal, immoral, and unnecessary war. He never authorized torture. Simply put: he isn't a war criminal. And he never shot anyone in the face. But he's a great guy, and has done a lot of public good. Which should count for something, shouldn't it?
I'm also a great guest. Ask anyone who has ever had me to a party or for dinner. I'm mostly polite, witty, and a charming conversationalist. I clean up after myself. I usually don't steal anything. And I know a little about politics. Granted, my dad never got me political jobs for which I had no apparent qualifications, but I'm still capable of stringing together coherent sentences, when discussing matters political. And although much of what I say is my opinion, when I do speak about verifiable facts, they do prove verifiable. I'm not a good liar. I hope that doesn't disqualify me!
So, I was wondering if you could invite me to be a regular guest on your news programs. I can talk knowingly about some subjects; but because that doesn't seem relevant, to you, I also want you to know that I can talk about subjects about which I know little, and about which I am far from being an expert. But I love my dad. And even though I know little about the minute details of his professional career, I can talk as if I do. I can defend him. I can assure your viewers that whatever my dad did must have been right. Because he's my dad. And I love him.
I look forward to hearing from you. When you prepare the Green Room for me, please include a bowl of M&M's, and please remove all the red ones. Thanks.
Fondly yours,
Turkana