We have so many insightful and powerful diaries written here at Daily Kos. Within these passionate, informative and entertaining diaries are many strong voices and an even stronger will to promote progress in this country.
It's these voices, their knowledge and perspective, their personalities and humor, that we seek to share with you every night in Top Comments. Some comments the diarists pick. Other posts are nominated by your fellow Kossacks at topcomments at gmail dot com.
And we always welcome your participation - as a reader, as a nominator, or simply as a new and valued voice in our conversations.
This story begins with a call for help from one of the best friends of my life.
It ends with the death of that friendship.
In it we cover life, love, loyalty, the liberties we take with those closest to us ... especially the corners we are all prone to cut from time to time then, all to often, habitually.
Because I cut corners with my best friend. Lots of them. He cut them with me.
Now there are neither corners nor heart to our friendship. It just doesn't exist anymore.
_
About 11 years ago, I was involved in the decision to terminate a pregnancy. It was not even my child, but the advice I gave was I feel to this day part of that decision. My part in this sad story cast a shadow on my life to this day... and it was not even my child.
One evening the phone rang. It was from Namibia. My best friend had called me some time before, indicating his concerns about his girlfriend missing a period. Then another. They were both staunchly religious, he certainly so (student Catholic organization leader). But.. imagine you are in your late twenties, with the person you love, doing valuable work helping set up elections infrastructure across Africa...the world is yours. You are one with the world, and why not be one with the person you are absolutely sure will always be at your side?
That's my color commentary. At the time, my friend was just plain scared. He had his plans set up - business school the following year, which would be a bit challenged in the event of returning home to get married and take care of a child. Not saying it can't be done but... it was a factor.
Another was a situation involving a relative of his partner. Organ donor compatibility for a sick brother - and the woman was the only sure match. Were she preggers, that would obviate her being a donor. That too was a factor.
Then there was just the same variable that had afflicted my friend time and again - uncertainty if this was truly The One. I did not add this to open discussion but it was on my mind.
I should add this as commentary. This was my best friend from college, yet we had even at that time drifted a bit apart. I was not always connecting well with his other close pals, all of whom had known him longer. Fair enough, but our senses of humor and mutual interest in politics and running had been the basis of a true cameraderie.
He was among the closest friends I had ever had. I loved him like a brother. But I disappointed him often. I daresay I embarrassed him more than a few times. It was not guesswork; I was told this expressly.
And yes it hurt, and every so often I would get mad and just shut him out a while after saying something terse. But eventually.. we'd sort things out and that process often involved beer. Remember, this was college.
Then real life hit. He went off to work in DC, I lingered in graduate school. His career steered into political activism at the time, mine in political academia in that phase.
Yet still, it was my assumption that friends - best friends - can pick up the phone years later and carry on essentially the same conversation.
The call I got that night from Namibia was no such thing at all. He could not go to his other friends, he said. They wouldn't understand. They wouldn't be able to advise, he said. I thought who to call, he said, and it was you. And I felt a heavy weight sink on my head, and my heart.
And as the night wore on, and we did indeed speak for perhaps 80 minutes at God knows what long distance rates at the time, it sank in - He was looking for someone to make this decision for him.
But in the back of my mind was another reason - there was a risk his other friends would have turned away from him afterward. He was knowingly turning his back on his own preachments. His other friends weren't in my opinion an especially judgmental bunch. Hardly. But it would have been a risk.
And as the conversation continued I realized - this would ultimately be the end of my friendship. He would not realize it, perhaps. And I realized it would not help to say a thing.
You cannot ask another person for this kind of advice, surrender of control of your fate - and that of another life - without a price of some kind.
As we talked, I heard the considerations, the ones enumerated above and many others, scenarios of what was to become of his life and hers.. and that of the child if it was born. What would happen to his own ambitions and hers for happiness in work and home life?
I knew where he was going. He would of course make up his own mind, but he might wait too long ... and be wracked by guilt for what he was going to choose. Because his girlfriend had left it up to him. She was wanting to end the pregnancy out of concern for her brother... but then there was the matter of the baby. She deferred to my friend.
Then he called me.
And he was not weighing seriously keeping the child... and I saw where this was going.
They weren't keeping the baby. And he was not letting me off the phone without rendering an opinion.
Yes, I felt pressured. Terribly. I wanted to just hang up the phone and run. But that would definitely have ended my friendship. I wish I could tell you I had a counter argument - no keep this kid, it's all good. It will all work out...I did not have that narrative at the ready. I just didn't. And I wonder, truly wonder to this day - is that what he needed from me? To give him the practical and philosophical support to just take a leap of faith and start that family now?
If so, I failed him.
At the end of the talk, I said it sounded like he was leaning for .. the practical option as we had framed it by then. The practical option.
He left the call, his voice sounding both resigned and relieved. He said thank you.
A few days later he called more briefly. It was done.
_
Now we move forward a few years, and my friend calls and tells me he is getting married. Now, he was one of my groomsmen in my own wedding, so I think nothing of joking about what kind of tuxedo I would be wearing.
His response is a cold - um, actually I'm calling to say it's gonna be a small wedding and I'm afraid space is limited.
Well, that was kinda hard to take. I was stunned but, hey, it's his prerogative. He then berated me for assuming I was in, that it was really arrogant of me, and the conversation got really hard to hear on my cell phone about then and I wrapped it up.
That really hurt. I did not even realize how much it did until a later affront. I did not know the etiquette for sure, here. This was a best friend, he was one of my groomsmen...I don't have a right to be in the wedding but isn't there some metaphysical wrongness to not even getting an invite?
I called one of the other groomsmen the next day, relating this information. He said - Yeah, that's up there as an unambiguous snub. He added, I'm a pretty calm guy and I'd be inclined to give him the finger over this.
Still, I was not sure. I held off.
A few days later, the soon-to-be-wedded friend called back to say - Hey, I am flying into the Charlotte area this weekend, let's at least catch up. It sounded conciliatory. I asked MKK, who said sure.
Later, he called to clarify that he was going to stay Friday night at another friend's place. He was one of the friends which I referred to at the beginning - always cordial but I never quite fit into the picture. I said.. alright. It was reasonable to make the most of the flight.
Then he called again and left a message - Sorry, but I am going to stay here both nights, but if you want we can meet for lunch before I fly back out on Sunday.
At that point I realized the friendship was done.
Not only that, I realized how furious I truly was.
This is a friend who had leaned on me repeatedly, not just for the abortion advice but for help through more than a couple of relationships, a sounding board for ideas, you name it. He held me off to the side of his core cadre of pals, and that was fine. I could deal. What was hard was to be played in this fashion, years later.
Perhaps in college I was a sap. I wonder from time to time if I still am.
What I did not wonder about was that I was being conspicuously disrespected, that it was highly unlikely this was not intentional activity, and that even if it was not I was really pissed off. And I checked with my wife, who concurred. No.. this is over the top insulting. Another friend repeated the opinion - Yep, this is out there.
So... I sat in the living room one night, the kitchen nightlight giving a twilight feel to the room. Yep, I was brooding alright, staring at my phone, gearing up for telling my friend what I thought of his Sunday lunch plan proposal.
And then I snatched up the phone and it began - Sorry, but meeting for lunch is just not going to work for my family. He expressed disappointment, indicating that was fine he was about to call to say he would probably not have enough time to meet anyway.
Yes, you read that right.
He was going to bail on meeting for lunch too.
At that point I snapped. I can only vaguely recall the exact words but the gist of it was me saying what kind of effing nerve did he have to string me along like this. He retorted that plans change, I know this, I should respect what a busy man he is.
I chose not to scoff at that and moved on to the next point. What the hell was up with blowing me off about a wedding invite. He angrily retorted I was very presumptuous that I was in the weding party, indicating that I was punished for my rudeness. I called BS on that. He'd already made up his mind.
And then he let loose, on all the times I had failed to be there for him as a friend. Failed to step up. To visit. To be in contact. To know his exact title and place of work when he changed jobs as a DC consultant like clothes. He dug in on this - Where do I work now? Do you even know? You never have bothered to keep track of what's important to me!
I....
There is in every angry conversation a place where you know - ok, if I say what I really feel like saying, it really is done. Not just the chat. The relationship. Most people know most of the time not to go there.
I went there.
When he said his "you never bothered to keep track" line, I went for the jugular.
What was that girl's name in Namibia? Do keep track of her? How about her baby?
He said it - That's enough.
Yes, I was wronged. Yes, I had cause (several, even!) to be pissed.
But I went there. I knew it before in my gut, there was nothing to lose. I saw it - he was being classic passive aggressive. He wanted me to initiate the fight, then he would finish it.
Maybe it was the despair on my part, the greater anger that he could so blithely cast aside what I'd assumed would have been a lifelong friendship, that empowered my own being a jerk right back.
And then he said - enough.
And we were both silent on the phone for a long moment. And it was like the fog of anger - this sudden final war of words - lifted away.
Our friendship had been over a long time. This was just clearing brush.
And I asked him - Since this is the final time we will talk, I need you to know it bothered me for years that you placed that call to me. I felt you held me responsible for that decision. It had been a worry of mine ever since.
He said - No.. you helped a lot. I did value your advice but it was my .. our decision.. ours alone. I never blamed you or anyone for that.
I said - thank you for that much, and meant it.
Then we said good bye, and I stood there stunned, and tossed the phone on the nearby sofa. And looked out the rain streaked window at the nighttime parking lot outside.
And that was how my best friendship died.
_
It's been seven years since that awful conversation. I wonder from time to time, if I had not 'gone there', would it have made it easier at some point in future to, as had been done before, pick up the phone and make a go at conversation again?
Earlier, as I thought of writing on this personal essay, I thought that would be my conclusion - think before you say the unspeakable thing. Remember kindness, compassion, leave the door open for forgiveness from others and yourself. You know - don't burn bridges.
But now I read this and I think - no. Some stories end when they do because it's their time. In this instance, it had been long since time, but truly to my friend's comment - we were out of touch. His particulars were not mine but the larger picture point was - we weren't communicating, and that ultimately led to the delayed and dreadful character of that final conversation.
I still could have handled it better. I was thinking of at least sending a note telling him this...if you guys got advice on that score, I'm all ears.
And now for the Top Comments Submissions!
From RB137
In buhdydharma's diary, Otteray Scribe inspires buhdy on how to approach Harry...
from SuperbowlXX
Today, Meteor Blades announced that automatic tip jars would be added to all diaries from now on. Ray Radlein has a very good question.
from brillig
in War on Error's diary on healthcare, stitchmd states the cold hard truth about our expectations.
from yours truly
nyceve rallying the troops for the public option
deaniac83 on right wing fear of Obama on the campaign trail - again
Top Mojo! With Exclusions!
1 - Great quote from Bill Maher re: Newt Gingrich:.....boofdah.....103
2 - But we just can't find money for health care.....MinistryOfTruth.....89
3 - If DKOS offered to hand out free chocolate........JeffLieber.....86
4 - "Good job, Daddy!".....Scarce.....85
5 - I'm actually not that diary-savvy yet.....Aurelia.....74
6 - Who can forget........blueyedace2.....72
7 - Don't confuse Gingrich with facts.....wiscmass.....70
8 - In the end........cybrestrike.....64
9 - I think the Pagans........KingOneEye.....62
10 - Where's.....Hedwig.....61
11 - Woozle does amazing feat?.....Amber6541.....59
12 - Daily Doll - Brown nose/blue eyes baby......funluvn1.....58
13 - Sasha & the Chief meet the Boss (picture).....Curiosity.....56
14 - Hi FlCarat! Exceptionally cute LOLs today......feeny.....56
15 - Hai FlCarat.....mytrinkets.....55
16 - Well, some of us indigenous peoples.....capelza.....54
17 - Here's you are. Read it & Weep. Or barf......Wom Bat.....54
18 - O Hai Everybody, Happy Sunday.........ebbinflo.....54
19 - If Obama is going to spend his political capital.....charliestl.....53
20 - Yeah, 2 years ago I was going on about peak oil.....Aurelia.....53
21 - When I post a diary not on the FP ........Meteor Blades.....53
22 - no problems here.....Debbie in ME.....52
23 - I love her dimples and that she seems to have.....dotster.....51
24 - good job.....Debbie in ME.....51
25 - "With all the issues at Daily Kos ........Meteor Blades.....51
26 - That might be nice.....mytrinkets.....51
27 - The winners continue to be the.....truong son traveler.....48
28 - Citizenship starts with my creators, anyway.....Geenius at Wrok.....47
29 - Dusty wonders "Is it daytime already?".....jayden.....47
30 - my Dusty says "Iz naptime".....Debbie in ME.....47
Top Mojo! No Exclusion!
1 - tips and recs for real public option.....DrSteveB.....305
2 - tips for saving indigenous people & the Amazon.....FishOutofWater.....301
3 - tips of fury.....Terri.....299
4 - I am pre-posting my tip jar.....LaughingPlanet.....291
5 - Tip Jar.....Vyan.....252
6 - Tip Jar......buckeyekarl.....224
7 - Tip Jar.....lanae.....208
8 - Thanks - forgot tip jar.....tsackton.....181
9 - Tips and guano.....RichardfromHB.....146
10 - Tip Jar.....David L.....125
11 - Tips.....Trix.....120
12 - Meet the new Christian right.....Troutfishing.....120
13 - Tips for hard work and caring?.....War on Error.....118
14 - Where's Your Tip Jar?.....Ray Radlein.....114
15 - Tips/comments/criticisms for a first diary! n/t.....ksull.....110
16 - Great quote from Bill Maher re: Newt Gingrich:.....boofdah.....103
17 - Tip Jar.....Rosebuddear.....101
18 - Kibbles/Quibbles.....FlCarat.....100
19 - If we cut our military budget by 80%,.....Arken.....91
20 - Reccommend this diary.....doinaheckuvanutjob.....89
21 - But we just can't find money for health care.....MinistryOfTruth.....89
22 - Tips for translating English to English. :).....NCrissieB.....88
23 - Tips.....Jill Richardson.....87
24 - If DKOS offered to hand out free chocolate........JeffLieber.....86
25 - "Good job, Daddy!".....Scarce.....85
26 - chess tip jar n/t.....SuperBowlXX.....78
27 - I'm actually not that diary-savvy yet.....Aurelia.....74
28 - Credit to Meteor Blades and the other CEs.....Seneca Doane.....74
29 - Who can forget........blueyedace2.....72
30 - Don't confuse Gingrich with facts.....wiscmass.....70