This is a personal diary update to the chronicle of me caring for my mother, as her health declines.
Today was not a good day. I wish I could say otherwise.
Since my mother was able to get into a rehabilitation facility, I have had a small reprieve in some of my responsibilities. I made a list of the things I need to get accomplished.
I went to the bank and got myself recognized at the power of attorney for my mother. I will say the account manager was very nice and understanding. I had a peek in the safety deposit box. There were some family secrets in there that I might write about at a later time. I was shocked.
I went to the post office and got my mother's mail forwarded. The clerk knew my mother. I couldn't get into the details of why I was there, it was too hard.
I visited my mother. She has a new roommate. Unfortunately, the woman is older and can't communicate. I could see she was suffering. This time it wasn't physical pain. She doesn't want to be there. She asked me if the house was for sale yet. I couldn't believe she said that, it totally broke my heart. It might come to selling the house, but that's something I am not prepared to do until we need to. I left a little earlier today, because I needed to get the cats ready to be fostered.
On my way home, my job called to tell me I was laid off. I couldn't really give a damn. The company was being run into the ground. My leaving should hasten that. It didn't stop me from balling with fear of how I am going to handle looking after my mother if I flat ass broke. I finally felt I had enough money to make a home purchase this year. I wonder if that will be the case a year from now.
My mother's friend came for the cats. It was really hard packing them up. They already miss my mother terribly and she does miss them too. I had to keep reminding myself that it's foster care and it's the kindest thing I can do for them.
Around 7, my mom called home. She was panicking and distraught. She really doesn't want to be in rehab. I tried to reason with her that it's the best thing for her, and all the ways she couldn't get what she's getting now at home. I also reminded her it's up to the doctor to decide when she can leave. I couldn't console her. I couldn't make it better. She broke my heart again the second time today. I think after a few times of me saying there is nothing I can do, she finally let go of it for the day.
There is nothing I can do.
She has 17 more days in her rehab cycle. I really don't know what will happen then. Home? Assisted Living? More Rehab?
Tonight I feel like a wind up toy completely wound down and key missing, lumbering around the house like a wounded soldier across a battlefield. I hope what I am doing is right. I hope I find peace soon, as well as my mother.