President of the Sovereign Nation of Alaska, Sarah Palin, challenged President of the United States, Barack Obama, earlier this week to a footrace during an interview she had in Runner's World magazine.
Yeah. So... that's what I'll be riffing on today.
My first reaction was to remember the scene from the most quotable Western ever made, "Tombstone," where Doc Holliday (played by Val Kilmer) is beating scruffy gunman Ike Clanton at game after game of poker.
The whiskey-bleary Holliday quips, "Well, Ike, maybe poker's just not your game. I know! Let's have a spelling contest!" before nearly collapsing in drunken, mocking laughter.
I reserve my most drunken, mocking laughter for this faded star of the GOP who is grasping so hard at the limelight that she feels she must issue weak-kneed, tongue-in-cheek challenges to the man who holds the office she believes God ordained for her -- regardless of the fact that this man clearly has pressing priorities as a result of, oh, winning a recent election.
I can understand Palin's need to (perhaps literally) run away from the violation of ethics charges that continue to be levied against her by her former political allies in her home state -- people who once saw great potential in her, only to be cast aside brusquely like a besnotted Kleenex once the governor saw no further way to exploit them.
But that, and the blistering Vanity Fair expose, and her myriad other problems, seem to have only caused her compulsive requirements to be seen and heard to grow since the election's end. Why else should she duke it out publicly with a comedian who has a late-night talk show?
It seems like there's nobody, anywhere who can make the tiniest of jokes about Gov. Palin without directly raising her ire. You'd think the governor of such a tactically and economically important state (what with that narrow maritime border and looming heads of Putin and all) would be above such things. But I fully suspect a letter from her staff castigating me for insulting her family, her daughters, her dogs, her moose and Alaskans everywhere no sooner than I've hit Publish on this thing.
But let's put all this aside and examine the wisdom of the challenge itself.
First of all, she's challenging a man of Kenyan ancestry to a footrace. Do I need to say more there? That's like me challenging a German at the game of drink. I do enjoy a stiff one, but usually not between breakfast and lunch.
Second, what's her "out" on this? Is she going to challenge Barack to a basketball game if he doesn't go for the running idea? Bad move. If I could make a suggestion, perhaps bowling might be the thing. That may be the closest she could get to beating the president at anything.
Third, she says in the interview the race would have to happen in Alaska. I understand the desire to have a home-court advantage there, but I don't want to lose my president to the greatest terror threat ever to face our country -- of course I'm talking about bears. Come to DC instead, where bears are limited to certain bars.
Then again, maybe I shouldn't question the dedication of a woman who loves a hobby so much that she named a child after the sport of track. I mean, I like working in the dirt and growing tomatoes, but I'm not about to name a future kid "Gardening."
What say you?