Let me back up.
So I have this vial full of Glenn Beck's tears.
I bought it on the E-Bay right after the election. It came with a certificate of authenticity. Well, really, it came with a piece of paper and on that piece of paper in what is unmistakeably Crayola Ochre was written the phrase "these are Glen (sic) Beck's tears." But close enough.
Anyway, I attached the vial to a lanyard that I hang around my neck at all times, sort of like a talisman. I can't tell you how many times it has saved my life since I started wearing it. Like the one time I was absentmindedly staring at the vial of Glenn Beck's tears and stepped into traffic without looking. If I hadn't been wearing that vial full of Glenn Beck's tears, that Buick might not have swerved in time to avoid me. And that's just one example.
Also, Glenn Beck's tears have magical powers. I will tell you how I know this.
The other day my cable went out, and I couldn't decide whether to whittle a likeness of Sarah Palin or read Hannity transcripts to my bunny rabbits (oh, how Admiral Fuzzytummy LOVES Hannity!). So my mind began to wander, and I started to ponder what it must be like to be Glenn Beck.
Now, you might be tempted to call me names for what I decided to do next, but like Gandhi said, first they say bad things about you and then they go to Hell.
I opened the vial full of Glenn Beck's tears, and sucked a few up into an eye dropper, then deposited them in my own eyes.
There was no burn. His tears were warm and soft. Initially, I noticed no real effect, and so I began to read some choice Hannity to Admiral Fuzzytummy and Miss Wuzziescrumpkins. But in the middle of one of Hannity's spittle-flecked tirades against S-CHIP, the words on the page began to jumble themselves, and reform into different words. That is when I left my own body and elevated above the room. I could see myself below, reading the words off the page. In Glenn Beck's voice!
Though I found this confusing, I also found it electrifying. Glenny-Me spoke with increasing fervor, and the words he spoke were chilling. He said that President Obama was not the anti-Christ. He said that President Obama was in fact born in Hawaii. But he said that President Obama was not born of human parents, but was gestated in a test tube by communists using DNA from a race of super-intelligent aliens from the planet Sporque, whose evil mission was to enslave all pudgy white earthling males, who are prized for the high concentrations of nacho cheese in their hair and fingernails. Once the pudgy white males have been milked of their precious bodily cheeses, the Sporquepods then liquify and suck out the enslaved pudgy white male brain matter, fortifying them for the 8.2 million light year journey home.
I know, right? I was totally freaking out. But I'm here to tell you that our president is a mole for his brain-sucking alien species, as sure as I'm standing here today. Glenny-Me was quite convincing on this matter. As he said, I challenge anybody to prove me wrong on this. You simply cannot do it.
p.s. Among the other things Glenny-Me said was that humankind needs to start having more Tupperware parties again, because those were great ways to get the neighbors together, and that I should probably give serious thought to raising a herd of goats in my apartment. I'm working through the logistics on the whole goat thing, but let's get craking on the Tupperware bit, shall we? I'll bring the Xanax.
p.p.s. NO, you can't have the rest of Glenn Beck's tears! Fuck you, mister!