Happy 3rd of July the day America learned that after almost completing 2/3 of her single term as governor of Alaska she had to resign to protect the troops from socialism. But that's not the real reason why she's decided to step down--the truth is far, far, far, far, far, far, far more sinister.
After intercepting a series of her tweets and having them analyzed by my team of code cracking commandos (who are going commando and smoke way too much crack) we discovered they were actually coded messages for her followers. Here are her plans for the next two years.
July 26th 2009: Parnell becomes governor as Palin steps down. Parnell declares martial law, Alaska's status as a sovereign nation, and names Palin as President for Life of the Independent Federation of Alaska (IFA). At this point, Palin plans to appoint Todd as Supreme Super Awesome Commanding General of the IFA forces. All registered Democrats will be rounded up and shipped to San Francisco. All Alaska Independence Party members will become the new ruling class.
Early 2010: Palin's massive navy of fishing boats equipped with welded on machine guns and explosives catapults invade Seattle as she declares war on the USA.
Mid 2010: Hostilities escalate but the US government, not wanting to kill fellow citizens, have been holding back on invading Alaska until Palin declares she has her own nuclear weapons program and that she will use them if God commands her to.
Late 2010: Two scientists that have defected from IFA reveal that Palin's nukes only have mooseburger meat in them and no fissionable material. They say that Palin claims God told her that moose meat was a much better energy source to power nukes and that they had to make it work or else.
Early 2011: President for Life of The Independent Federation of Alaska resigns stating that she's planning on running for President of the United States of America because God commanded it so and because it'll make baby Trig so proud of her.
Late 2012: President Obama enjoys his second Presidential electoral victory having garnered every Electoral College vote save for the ones allocated to Alaska (now back as a part of the union), Texas, and Wyoming.