AP, Sea of Tranquility - Former United Nations Ambassador and Fox News analyst John Bolton blasted the Obama administration for being "dangerously naive and weak on lunar issues" and derided NASA's current mission to bomb the Moon as "too little, too late."
Bolton delivered a prepared statement to the annual 4th of July Kiwanis Club meeting in Havre de Grace, MD. His manifesto was described as "well-received" and "bone-chillingly prescient."
"Nearly every night, Americans awaken to a silver spectre in the sky above," Bolton thundered, "never knowing when the Moon will rain hot death upon our great nation."
Bolton noted that, at best, Americans are able to see half of the Moon. "What the sam hell is going on over on the side we can't see?" Bolton asked. "How do we know the Lunarians aren't amassing weapons of mass goddamn destruction using superior space technology purchased from an advanced race of mantis-like extra-terrestrials? The answer is, 'we don't.'"
Bolton saved his sharpest barbs for President Obama and NASA's current mission to bomb the Moon - an experiment designed to detect water ice in the resulting plume:
"I say to you today that it is no accident that the Moon's diameter approximates that of the United States of America, just large enough to erase us from the map with a single well placed strike. And for those Americans who live beneath this sword of Damocles, President Obama sends but one bomb to deter the enemy - and he sends it in the name of science. Not God, or country, but science. Poppycock, balderdash, and girthwaffle!"
Bolton's speech concluded with a call to unleash all of America's thermonuclear arsenal upon strategic targets on the moon, as a means to pre-empt an inevitable collision caused by the Moon's deteriorating orbit around the Earth.
When later Twittered by scientists who pointed to the fact that the Moon's orbit is in fact moving further from the Earth and will stabilize at 1.6 times its orbital distance in 15 billion years, by which time the Sun will have extinguished all life on Earth," Bolton replied, "Precisely why we must address the lunar threat decisively, and today, so that we can prepare to annihilate the Sun."