I am the perfect storm of Reagonomics, Bush's War of Choice, the Insurance Industry and Wall Street's Greed. I am the poster child for the need for decent health care options in whatever words the politicians want to label it. (albiet a mature 'poster child'; I turn 56, later this month) I had a 401k which like so many others was hit hard and reduced to a mere pittance.
I am not yet homeless, but I know I will be living at the local Women's Shelter by then end of this month. The silver lining is that I have some time to prepare for it. In that I am lucky. I use the term homeless because while I will have a bed at night, I will not have an address. I will need to pack my belongings every day because I must leave after my morning shower and am not allowed to return till 5pm. Those are the rules as I understand them so far. When I called the shelter to ask some questions they were very kind and gentle with me. They told me that there were other women there in similar situations. They calmed my fears.
I could be your Mother, your Grandmother, your daughter, your sister, your neighbor, your friend, the person who used to take your order while dining at a favorite restaurant, your employee, the person who rides your bus and always asks how you are, the person who says hello with a smile for no apparent reason as you pass her on the street.
The point is I am all of those people. I also have worked since I was 16, paid my taxes and paid my 'dues' and my bills. I paid the rising insurance premiums, absorbed the rise in the cost of all my other needs, barely remembering the days of an automatic 'cost of living' raise.
I've worked hard for a better environment for my children and grandchildren and everyone else. I've tried to make good sound political choices for the best of ALL my countrymen. I have lobbied through letters and calls for basic Human Rights globally. I have loved hard & worked hard. I pray whenever I am seeking comfort or guidance and have deep faith in my own spiritual beliefs.
I want to make it very clear, that this is not a story about seeking pity or asking for anything. I am not a victim. As I explained, I am just an ordinary woman, one among many, many persons who are in this perfect storm. My hope is that I will be a story of hope, faith, embracing change, human resilience, and never giving up on one's inner strength. For me, it will be about perceiving this as an 'adventure' in my life, a chance to get to know and care about other women/people that find themselves in the same storm as I am. A true story about saving myself and all that I treasure. About regaining my health and finding myself... again.
Will it be extremely difficult to not have my own bed, kitchen, bath, washer and dryer (the list could go on and on) yes, it will be hard. The heartbreak for me is not being able to hold and love my cats Shadow and CJ, and to think of their confusion and sadness when I leave their lives.
However! This is not going to be for forever. I have the luxury of making a few plans so that I will be able to return to the home I love and to Shadow and CJ.
I am also ordinary in the fact that I did not embrace the idea of giving up my home lightly. I have been in a deep depression, now for several weeks. (on top of my 'reg' well controlled depression) I have at times, isolated myself, denied what was happening, tried relentlessly to undo what was happening. It's been a special kind of personal Hell.
But two days ago, something gave, and my path got clearer. Maybe it was my mantra of 'let go, let God, have faith'. Maybe it was receiving the 'failure to pay/eviction notice proceedings to start if...' letter that my manager had to give me. (Who is one of the sweetest human beings I know, but he does answer to a corporation, after all). I believe it was a combination of all of it.
I came to the undrstanding that if I didn't pull it together and explore my situation through the lens of my own core personal belief system, if I didn't look for a solution befitting who I am and how I fit into this world with my fellow man/woman, I would lose everything. Physically. Mentally. Spiritually. Emotionally. I was finally ready to look for the personal spiritual solution instead of the intellectual or material solutions. Acceptance. At last.
With that, my mind cleared even further, and I was able to see my way out.
I will sublet my apartment until I am able to return, and live in the nearby Women's Shelter' until I can regroup financially and recover my physical health, which started with what I thought was a well timed surgery and an adequeate fund for my recovery period. My recovery is going to be substaintially longer in part because of an additional, new diagnosis. I went through my small savings much faster because my co-pays went up 150%. Bet that doesn't surprise you! (Hey I was able to apply for disability, because of all this additional 'good news'). Hence, 'the state of my being' now is unrecovered, and unemployable for at least 4-5 months.
I am not going to bore anyone with a bunch more details, because you read and hear all those details in the newspapers and on TV everday, sometimes even in front of a Congressional Committee. Yet a small, but really loud minority would rather deny those stories, and mine, for political gain or out of sheer ignorance, just following the rebellious chanting misinformed crowd. And, with that statement, I am going to attempt to not ever again address my 'new adventure' through the eyes of politics; only through my eyes as an ordinary woman caught in a badly scripted perfect storm.
By embracing this plan, I will be able to save what matters most to me. I have never really collected much in the way of material things, but oh the things of my heart that I shall save! I will be able to provide Shadow and CJ a safe and warm home for the winter with a friend that I will visit often. My personal library where each word in each book has it's own soul will be intact and waiting for my return. All my pictures of my family, my friends and the oceans I've sailed will stay safe until my return, along with my momentos of people and places that have touched me. All my precious loves and memories that mean more to me than any amount of dollars will patiently await me. That is what I feared most of losing, and that is what my faith will not allow me to lose!
To answer the question many of you are probably asking... yes I do have a son that you may think I should look to for help. Or friends, or other family. Here is the simple answer to those wonderings. My son is supporting 3 children ages 3, 10, 16 and their lovely stay at home mom. He works way too many hours in the restaurant business, and he is going on-line for his bachelors degree, has a mortgage and all the other usual bills. Also, they live about an hour away, not close enough for me to receive the medical care I need and that I have started here, and need to continue with here. Other close family is unable to help as well.
Besides, this isn't just a one month problem... this is at least a 4 month problem, maybe longer. My friends and colleagues? (I'm your everyday, ordinary waitress) Well, we all know what it is like just trying to keep your own head above water. I feel it is my responsibility to find my own way in this and not burden their already burdened live. Besides, anyone who really, really knows me, understands and believes in my inner strength to adapt and flourish in unusal or difficult backdrops of life, and would place a bet on me, that I will come out an even wiser, stronger, and gentler human being than before. I hope to help someone else along the way with what costs me nothing, but matters most... love, compassion, listening. I will not let this storm harden me; what would be the point?
I want to document this new adventure, this part of my life journey. I want to post diaries from time to time. Not a rant about the system, or complain constantly about how hard it is (tho I'm sure to have those times) but about the people I meet, their lives, and how their dreams got interrupted, as well as how I am managing and how I am progressing. This will not be a diary how anyone or anything failed me, or even how I failed myself.
As a parting gift, I will leave you with a wonderful true tale of one of my many adventures of the ocean. It sums up perfectly the beginning of, the middle of, and what I hope to be the ending of this new journey of mine. I hope you will check in with me once in while as I navigate my way through my own perfect storm. Here it is:
In the winter of 1999-2000, I hired on as a crew member to a brand new, 86' custom built ocean going sailing yacht. We left Portsmouth RI in mid December with our destination as Roadtown, Tortola, British Virgin Islands. Coincidently, the book/movie "the Perfect Storm was making its' round about that time. I wasn't worried, though because the rest of my crew were all TransAtlantic and /or America's Cup sailors. What we found in our 'mini perfect storms' were our own 'perfect winds' which guided us out of the rough weather onward to our destination in 11 days! (We hit 20 knots quite often, obviously!) It was one my best and most memorable sailing adventures.
We went from freezing cold & wet, tie your self down to the boat, my foul weather gear is still soaked from the last time, what do you mean it's time for my watch again... to arriving in warm azure waters preceding a breathtaking view of Tortola with emerald mountains as its' backdrop at sunrise. Quiet and peaceful. I had sailed through and out of the storms at last. All, because we found our perfect winds, together.
I feel that my command now, is to find my perfect wind to sail out of the chaos I have found myself in, and to bring a few others with me to a peaceful island.
So please wish me GodSpeed, and I'll wish for you your heart's desire. I hope we will meet again through Daily Kos from time to time. You on your journey and mine on mine.
peace out~~~~suzan