Well, let's face it. We all have them in our group of family and "friends"--the wingnut that we are faced with buying a holiday gift for. After much thought and research, I've come up with some great and unusual gifts for the wingnuts. It's never too soon to be stashing away those special, hard-to-find goodies for your "loved" ones. Happy shopping!
Update: A poster has offered up a generous gift for the wingnut who's not feeling well. A thoughtful addition appears below.
Gifts for female wingnuts:
- "Glamourpuss Soak" This wonderful bath product comes packaged in faux elephant hide and is made from hard to find and exotic ingredients such as dried cow dung, kudzu, and ostrich urine. One luxurious soak in this marvelous concoction will leave the lizard skin smooth and supple and will refresh the tired (and tiny) mind back to its original shrill state. 12 oz. $15.00 BONUS: a loofah made from Bill O'Reilly's most recent haircut.
- "Sparkly Metallic Pashmina" This lovely fashion item is sure to please the Michelle Malkins and Ann Coulters in your crowd. Entirely handwoven from steel wool and antique machine finings from an old handcuff factory, this wrap will look perfect with the "little black dress" and your relative's favorite "come fuck me" pumps. Measures 16" x 48" including tassles made from shredded beer cans. $180.00
- "Fabulous dick candles" These sensuous candles are reminiscent of the creative sculptures of plastercasters. Available in S,M,L. $20.00/pair ($5.00 extra for XL). Please specify skin tone: Black, Pink, Brown, Other. Made from totally noxious paraffin with an exceptional 24 hour burn.
Gifts for male wingnuts:
- "David Vitter Diaper Cake" This clever take off on the"diaper cake phenomena" is an absolutely precious cake made of disposable diapers, wrapped in black tulle with red satin ribbon and adorned with a pacifier and six "glow in the dark" condoms (S,M,L,XL, and Holy Moly!) $75.00
- "Stay Away Gay Aftershave Splash" What completely "me thinks he doth protest too much" male in your wingnut family is not going to love this "bracing" aftershave redolent of hay, cigar smoke, and raw garlic! Sure to keep the unwanted advances of "teh gays" away. 4 oz. in a Flag shaped bottle. $25.00
- "Sex Tales from the Beltway," by Ima Pervert, published 2009 by Hookers Int'l. 7,000 pages with 250 photographs and diagrams, comes discreetly wrapped in brown paper to your P.O. Box. Every wingnut male in your coterie of repressed friends and family will delight in this well written tome detailing the sexual peccadilloes of all your favorite D.C. characters. $200.00 hardcover, $125.00 paperback.
For the entire wingnut family:
- "Exciting New Orleans Getaway" Take the whole family on an enlightening and inspiring 4 day stay in the lower Ninth Ward of New Orleans. Be inspired by all that your government has done to rebuild the elegance of "the way it was," prior to Katrina. Your luxurious accommodations include a FEMA trailer with cots (please bring your own sheets and towels) and vouchers for lunch and dinner at a nearby shelter. $110 per family of four, including bus tickets from anywhere in the continental U.S.
- "United States Constitution Jigsaw Puzzle" Remember the old holidays when the whole family sat down to solve the jigsaw puzzle? Bring back the happy memories while you and your loved ones fight over who's right about the Constitution. While away happy hours as your wingnut relatives try to hide essential pieces to the puzzle while you grind your teeth down to the nubbins. 24" x 36", black, white, and red. $45.00
- "Wingnuttia by the Jar" Back again by popular demand is the creamy, dreamy glop that wingnuts love. Made from ground rancid peanuts (shells and all!) with bits of candied bat wings throughout. Use it on toast, garnish your favorite pie, or best yet, eat it with a spoon right from the jar! Stock up as supplies are limited. 16 oz. jar in he shape of a large "W." (Or, for fun, turn it upside down for an "M!") $25.00
A Get Well Wingnut gift from luvsathoroughbred:
Thrill your convalescing Wingnut friend or relative with this useful tool belt, made entirely from the pelts of helicopter-shot North American Timber Wolves. The kit includes a Bostitch Model B2200 Stapler (with extra staples!) to take care of that nasty ole wound caused by the do-it-yourself open heart surgery not covered by your insurance. A handful of used tongue depressers, recycled from a hospital medical waste dumpster are a certain crowd pleaser! Also contains a roll of duct tape (perfect for tendenitis) and two used paper towel rolls, which can be used as splints. Self-provided health care is the Best Care a Wingnut can get!