Finally! Something that makes sense!
(WASHINGTON). Seeking to seize the initiative on healthcare reform, Senate Republicans offered up a new plan today, a plan they claim will “radically lower insurance premiums and will usher in a new era of personal responsibility.”
Speaking before a small crowd on the steps of the Capitol, Senator Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa) unveiled the new initiative entitled “SGS!” or “Stop Getting Sick!” He was joined by fellow Republicans John Kyl of Arizona and Mike Enzi of Wyoming.
“We all know that healthcare must be fixed,” Grassley stated, “but there are many on the other side of the aisle who’d prefer having government bureaucrats running the show. SGS! will put healthcare decisions back again in the hands of healthy, hard working Americans and out of the hands of doctors and hospitals.”
“Recent non-partisan studies overwhelmingly conclude that sickness and un-wellness contribute mightily to our healthcare crisis,” Grassley continued. “We are asking the American people to reject illness and unhealthiness by taking a pledge to stop getting sick!”
Senator Kyl, standing before a series of charts and diagrams, offered his assessment. “As you can see from Diagram #1, a sick or unwell person is 98% more likely to seek medical attention than a healthy individual. By stopping getting sick, insurance companies will be able to lower their premiums substantially since they know they’ll be insuring people who have no intention of coming down with heart attacks or cancer or rickets. It’s time for big government to step aside and let the little guy decide his own fate.”
Senator Enzi was even more vocal in his support. “ As you can see from this pie chart, a populace that firmly rejects disease and malady is a healthier populace. I, for one, have just taken the SGS! pledge and I’ve never felt better. “
When questioned by a reporter if this new proposal was really a serious attempt at healthcare reform, Grassley fired back. “Of course it is. You can see how serious we are by the exclamation point we’ve attached to it!”
“But what if a person who takes the pledge gets into a car accident and breaks his arm, asked another. “Is he covered?”
Enzi eagerly fielded the question. “Accidents do happen. But they are the will of God. Many homeowners are not covered by acts of God, so why should an accident-prone person be?”
Grassley interjected. “There’s also a very strong preventative care component to our plan. It begins with our kids. All children under the age of ten will be given mandatory leechings. A well-leeched child is 68% less likely to develop the croup or scurvy or consumption. And we can rid them of bad humours in the blood, including melancholy. And I know the kids will love our new fuzzy mascot “Peppy the Playful Pathogen!”
Senator Kyl giggled. “He’s so cute.”