For Loretta Tirebiter, the nights are full of dread. The mother of three children, ages 5, 7, and 9, rarely gets more than a few hours sleep before the darkness is shattered by the terrified screams of her children.
"Every night, it's the same thing - 'Mommy save us from Barack Obama!' So I go out on the porch and shake my broom and say 'You get out of here Barack Obama, leave my children alone! Go devour the souls of some hippy children, and leave us God fearing folk alone."
Parents of this gated community of Dallas report similar problems. Lydia Tuddwieler reports that her children also have terrible nightmares about Barack Obama. "They say 'Mommy, Barack Obama is under the bed, Barack Obama is in my closet, Barack Obama is at the window with a copy of The Communist Manifesto!'"
Child psychologists are at a loss to explain the hysteria that grips the children of real Americans from Texas to Georgia. Noted Texas A&M child psychologist and large animal veterinarian, Dr. Marshal "Cotton" Mathers, suggests that Obama was burned in the furnace of the school by angry parents, or that he was sunk to the bottom of the lake at the summer camp, and now his soul roams the earth seeking vengance on school children, their nubile teenager sisters, and their jock boyfriends.
A rival researcher, Dr. D.W. Griffith, of the Miskatonic University Department of Child Studies and Occult Phenomena, has a different view. "I believe that seeing Barack Obama on television has opened a dimensional doorway for children living near Indian burial grounds. I never trusted those little fellows that live in the television any way."
At least one child has reported that Barack Obama actually came out of the television and tried to drag them down a well. Abigail, a local schoolgirl, claims that Barack Obama has sent his spirit to her in the form of a yellow bird. And one Dalla parent who wished to remain anonymous claims to have shot at a mysterious intruder. "I shot him six times! I shot him in the heart! I shot him six times! He's not human!" However local police say that chronic ammunition shortages have forced most residents to only shoot members of their immediate families.
Dr. Mathers believes that most children will outgrow their fear of Barack Obama, starting in 2016. "You want to talk about trauma?" he says, "Jesse Helms came to my tenth birthday party in a clown suit, and 40 years later I still sleep with a nightlight."
Dr. Mathere has recommended that students carry five-cell Mag-Lite flashlights. Asked if this is because Barack Obama is afraid of the dark, he says "Oh hell no! Did you see the number these things did on Rodney King?" Dr. Mathers meditatively slaps the palm of hand his with the flashlight, apparently lost in thought.
Dr. Mathers says that one of his students saw Barack Obama sneaking around at a local Lovers Lane. "They hightailed it out of there, you betcha," he says, then he holds the flashlight under his chin and shines it upward on his face for an ominous effect. "And when they got home, stuck in the car door......was a hook."