(aside: some people think this is just an attack on Raul Grijalva. It's not. Or not only. I like Grijalva a lot. Or did...until today. Maybe he'll be a force for good again soon. Today, he wasn't.)
Welcome to the NEW, NEW DEMOCRATIC PARTY!
We know, we know, you can't believe we're working together! But trust us, we've got something important to say. So please join us below the jump...
We know you've all been a little depressed lately. We've heard it from you. Over and over again. Stop calling. Please. You do have jobs right? No? Well, maybe someone can help with that. But we're getting off point. We're here to talk about elections and consequences.
Elections are not just opportunities to select local and national leadership. They can also serve as clarifying events, acting to crystallize long held suspicions and formalize implicit beliefs. The recent election of Scott Brown to the Massachusetts Senate seat formerly held by Edward M. Kennedy is just one such moment. Because it offers us a chance to reflect, a chance to pause, and a chance to rebalance our party in ways that will make it more relevant to the 21st century.
So this election was a teachable moment for us. And boy have we learned. We know where we’ve gone wrong as a party, and we know how to fix it. For too long, Democrats have met action with action, have tried to fight fire with fire, and articulate a progressive vision for America to counter the right’s regressive and oppressive plans. We realize now that this was a mistake, that it didn’t offer America a real choice. Because no party spoke out for inaction. No party called for drift. No party made the case for DOING NOTHING AT ALL, EVER. Well, now there will be a voice for nothing. Now the argument for an end to all arguments will be made, and it WILL BE MADE MEEKLY.
This has been a long time coming, and has been something many Democrats have thought about in their private moments. But until now, we’ve lacked the proper sense of timidity to MAKE IT HAPPEN. But now, in the wake of the Massachucetts special election, several of us have seen the light, and decided to make NOTHING REALITY. Now there are lots of ways to do nothing. For example, one of us (Mary Landrieu) has always advocated strongly for nothing, and plans to continue this practice for the foreseeable future. While the other (Raul Grijalva) thinks that the best way to get nothing done is to rule out actionable legislation in favor of ill-timed demands, threats acted on far too late in the legislative process and poorly thought out alternatives to nearly complete bills . Every movement needs its theorists, and every movement its implementationists. And ours is no different. Despite our philosophical differences, we stand united in our belief that the AMERICAN PUBLIC DESERVES NOTHING. And we will work together to get that nothing done.
Of course, such a radical change in (lack of) direction for our party requires a complete image overhaul. Now, we recognize that the Democratic Donkey is itself a symbol of stubbornness, and perhaps lassitude, but we thought that it was too associated with a long history of "doing things" (social security, winning World War II, Medicare...) and too reflective of strength and will. No, we needed a new image, to illustrate our new sensibility of aimlessness and drift. Thanks to a lot of hard work (ugh...we hate that stuff) from the crew at ImagickAL Inc. we believe we’ve come up with the perfect symbol for this our New, New Democratic Party.
Powerful (in a non-threatening way) no? It really captures the sense of aimlessness and drift we were going for. The spinelessness and lack of any identifiable brain? Works on every level.
Anyway, we thought you would like it. But rest assured, this new positioning isn’t just about branding, or image. This is a real and substantive change. For nothing. Together, we can finally be all we were meant to be: utter and complete nothings.
Wonder what the Senate Cafeteria is gonna have for lunch tomorrow. Hope it’s Mac and Cheese. Love that stuff.