In my dark-humor moments--waiting at the dentist's office or in line at the DMV--I find myself imagining what a Conservative or Tea Party Utopia would look like. Unfortunately, the exercise was painfully depressing and not humorous at all, so I modified their utopia to a suburb. What would it be like if the country decided to design a pilot project in which we allowed Angle/Paul followers to sort-of secede and live the way they want to? Of course, we would have to set it up so the rest of us wouldn't have to bear their burdens, but we might be able to do that with a little ingenuity and a large number of newly hired accountants and actuaries.
First, of course, we'd have to locate all the A/P followers in their own gated community. It would have to be gated for our protection as much as for their protection, but I'll get to that in a moment. Since this would be a pilot project, the participants would have to agree to a number of conditions, such as wearing ankle transmitters or, if they prefer, having microchips temporarily embedded in their bodies. This would be necessary in order to track their use of public facilities, infrastructure, and services. They surely wouldn't mind this, as they are so sensitive to how much other people cost them. After all, I'm sure they would want to pay their own way and not be a burden on taxpayers. Of course, we would have to charge them for the cost of employing all those accountants, programmers, monitors, supervisors, and so on as necessary.
Let us imagine an average (un)citizen in the program. We'll call him Rand (which is appropriate for a couple of reasons). He has a wife named Sharon, a son named Ron, and a daughter named Christine (the names are unoriginal but convenient). They've purchased a lovely home in their gated community, and they're settling in, anticipating what a glorious divorce from our taxpayer society will bring them.
On a bright and beautiful Monday morning, Rand kisses Sharon good bye and leaves for work. His ankle transmitter alerts a command center that he has left his gated community with its substantial HOA fees for paved streets, sewers, and garbage pickup (including the fee we have to charge for landfill use). Once his car is on city streets, county roads, and/or state and federal highways, a computer will track every mile and inch in order to charge Rand usage fees. He'll also be running up fees for traffic lights, street lights (at night), and his share of street wear-and-tear and repair fees. He parks his car in a public lot (for a fee), walks down the sidewalk (for a fee), and unlocks the door of his restaurant.
In an average day at his restaurant, the use of public services is carefully tracked by accountants who work busily to figure Rand's exact water costs (no subsidies allowed), the sewage cost of every toilet flush and other water down the drain, and the cost of each customer's use of the sidewalk outside his establishment. When his restaurant is inspected, he'll have to pay the wages of the inspector and all the clerks involved in handling the paperwork, as well as for the computer time in processing the inspection, his license, etc. The parking meters outside his shop will cost a bit more, since, again, we can allow no subsidies. Although other shops might receive tax breaks for urban development (or whatever), Rand's will not. Since he's not paying taxes, it's only fair.
If his children aren't home-schooled, they'll have to pay tuition for public school. They could go to private schools, but whatever they leave the house for, they'll have to be tracked in order to pay their share of road and transportation usage. They'll also be charged for sidewalk use, flushing toilets (anywhere), drinking from public water fountains, using public parks, and using public trash receptacles. Sharon will have to pay for all this too, when she goes to work or leaves the house for any reason. Rand and his family will also be charged for use of the public library, access to voting sites and processing of their ballots.
The real problem for the rest of us will come as a result of our own compassion and sense of responsibility. Like the horrified people who watched that house burn in Tennessee, we'll have to harden our hearts against any distress suffered by Rand and his family. If his gated community doesn't have its own fire department and independent water source, we'll have to stand by and watch his house burn.
If he is mugged on his own doorstep, we'll have to let it happen. If his house is robbed, we won't be sending police to intervene or investigate. This is where that gated community is as much for our protection as his. If he is cheated in business dealings or by investment bankers, it will be because our regulations don't apply to doing business with him. His family and his savings are fair game for scam artists, identity thieves, and the Bernie Madofs of the world. If terrorists want to blow up his house, there will be nothing we can do.
If his children fall ill or have an accident, we'll have to charge him street-usage fees for the ambulance and extra duty fees for the city or state police who respond to the accident. Then there will be fees for sewer use and landfill use if the children are taken to the emergency room or hospital. If his home and business are wiped out by floods, hurricanes, or a tornado, he won't be receiving any help from us.
Since he and his wife will be ineligible for Social Security and Medicare, he'd better hope he can protect his savings and investments from all those predators and con artists licking their chops at his vulnerability. If the Republicans get back into power and the economy tanks again, it'll be too bad for his retirement. It will be incredibly difficult, but we'll have to let nature take its course if he and his wife don't have money for food or medicine. I'm not sure we can do it, but, with his dying breath, he will say we're doing the right thing.
Oh, I nearly forgot his fees for national defense, treaties, international anti-crime cooperation, anti-terrorism............
However, he'll be able to refuse service in his restaurant to African-Americans, Latinos, or whomever he likes. I'm sure the citizens who run the restaurant across the street will enjoy the extra business.