Today, I’d like to speak with you about an issue that is fundamental to America’s existence: the need for civility in our political discourse.
On November 2, the American people spoke. The Republican Party was triumphant and the Democrats received a shellacking. I took responsibility for the shellacking. You can rest assured that I heard the message loud and clear.
The American people wanted elected leaders to collaborate in resolving the myriad difficulties facing the nation. They send us to Washington to solve their problems. They don’t want us to be bickering. I heard the message loud and clear.
The Republican leaders wanted me to fail. Even if that means 2 million American families will lose their lifeline during the Holidays. Even if that means 98% of American families will not continue to receive a tax-cut. Even if that means job creation initiatives will be lost in the near future. Even if that means states would eliminate teachers, police and firefighter positions indefinitely. I heard that message too.
The Tea Party crowd is livid with me. They mistakenly believe that I am the illegitimate son of John Maynard Keynes. I don’t know how they got that idea. Perhaps it’s my funny name, but I am not related to Kanye West. I guess they don’t like my economic policy. I heard that message too.
Jane Hamsher commands me to man up and grow a pair. Carville offered to lend me one Hillary’s. Thanks man, I guess. Cenk demands Michelle to kick my ass. Meghan McCain Wants To 'Kick My Ass' In 2012. I got the message.
Some Faux News pundits wanted me to resign right then and there. They are so concerned about the nation they want me to surrender to Glen Beck. I heard that too.
So, let me be clear. I am going to heed the call for civility in our political discourse. And to be clear as crystal; I will try my best to follow Newt Gingrich’s brotherly advice. I will take the walk. That is, of course, if Mommy Grizzly approves of it.
To make the Republicans not mad at me anymore, I will not push any tax-cuts for 98% of Americans. Let the Bush era tax-cuts expire.
I am ordering the Treasury Secretary and IRS Commissioner to send letters immediately informing taxpayers about the impact of failing to pass tax-cuts for 98% of Americans.
This should make the Tea Party crowd happy because the revenue would offset the deficit. I hope the Young Turks would understand it.
I am asking Speaker Pelosi and Senator Reid to lay low during the lame duck season. I don’t want them to shoot any ant with a nuclear weapon.