An estimated 4.5 million people are able to observe anniversaries of their suicides, having attempted but not succeeded. I’m one of those people, and today is my anniversary.
It's an uncomfortable confrontation of both the attempt to do it, and the failure in not succeeding.
I was surprised to read that suicide rates in the U.S. are highest in the spring – I thought the wintertime would be the worst. Not necessarily because of the holidays and family traumas, but because it's the darkest, coldest time.
This wasn't my first attempt, but it was my last, and the only one I could fix a date for: my birthday. Somehow, maybe in an attempt to finally impress order, it seemed fitting to end the cycle on an even number. Since then, every celebration of my solar cycle has been a double-edged sword, but makes each observance that much more precious.
When the depression is in control, suicide totally makes sense. The thought that my daughter would be devastated was overruled by the depression, which knew she’d be better off without a mother like me. Of course, that's nonsense, but that’s what my depression kept telling me (even though a friend in high school lost her mother this way, and I can still remember the numbness we all felt). The depression told me that suicide wasn't just a choice, it was the only choice. Despite careful planning – which included perusing "how to commit suicide" sites and a determination to succeed – I failed, and only then by coincidence.
Since then, my doctors finally found the right combination of medications, and while my depression hasn't gone away completely, I've been on a relatively even keel for eight years. Even so, I'm on disability and always will be. I've separated my life into "before" and "after," remembering who I was before, and how I live now. It’s been really difficult to add "before" and "after" into "now," something I have to work on constantly.
Afterward, many survivors feel shame, and live in fear that people will hear about it and judge them for it. It's not something you want to share with potential partners or friends you've met "after." But it's a huge part of my life, and it's hard when someone asks what I do for a living. Running into someone from "before" is inevitably awkward, whether they know about my attempts or not.
My reasons for writing this diary and sharing it with this community are:
- To let survivors within the community know there are others here.
- To educate about suicide and raise awareness.
- To provide links to important sites.
Suicide is a major, preventable public health problem.
Here are some facts:
In 2007, it was the tenth leading cause of death in the U.S., accounting for 34,598 deaths (homicide was 15th). The overall rate was 11.3 suicide deaths per 100,000 people.
An average of one person dies by suicide every 16.2 minutes.
There are twice as many deaths due to suicide than HIV/AIDS (though certainly there’s overlap).
In 2004 it is estimated there were 811,000 suicide attempts in the U.S. An estimated 11 suicide attempts occur per every suicide death.
The highest suicide rate is among men over 85 years old: 65 per 100,000 persons.
In 2007, suicide was the third leading cause of death for young people ages 15 to 24. Of every 100,000 young people in each age group, the following number died by suicide:
Children ages 10 to 14 — 0.9 per 100,000
Adolescents ages 15 to 19 — 6.9 per 100,000
Young adults ages 20 to 24 — 12.7 per 100,000
Depression is the number one disability in the world.
A method that has worked for me is to have a pact with a friend; should I be thinking about suicide, I have to call, and she has to do the same. If you have a friend who's depressed, contact them every day (text, email, call, it doesn't matter); it lets that person know that there is someone who cares.
Suicide.orgcovers prevention, awareness, and support. It has lists of 24/7 support sites, including prevention hotlines, what to do if you think a friend is suicidal, and links to sites where you can just talk to someone.
The Mayo Clinichas a comprehensive list of signs of suicidal behavior.
If any of you feel suicidal or know some one who may be, please reach out to a friend, a family member, or an online help site. If there's no one you can contact, go to a hospital. Don't let depression tell you what to do, because depression speaks falsely.
And remember, you always have friends here. {{{you}}}
PS. One more little thing: using phrases like "take your meds," "see your shrink," or "deserve to be locked up" are pretty insulting. I'm not saying words like idiot, moran, crazy, loony &c. are taboo, only asking you to think before implying a person has mental health issues. Thanks.
