From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Dear Santa,
Hey there, Jolly One. Here's my annual wish list. Being an American, I must have these things instant gratificatiously. Gimme gimme gimme...
Our troops home from Iraq and Afghanistan
A short winter
Osama bin Laden's head on the Oval Office wall
Filibuster reform
Bullet train!
A chronic chalk shortage in Glenn Beck's studio
An energy policy that sets the standard for the rest of the world
House investigations under the new (read: same old) Republican leadership that blow up in their faces
Time travel
Decriminalization of marijuana
Some of the UConn women's basketball team's mojo (89 straight wins!)
A successful launch of the new DKos platform
Gay marriage everywhere
More cowbell
Ten million (minimum) good-paying jobs with benefits
A pair of titanium nunchucks. (Note: those go under Elizabeth Warren's tree.)
William Shatner to have a role in the next Star Trek movie
Infrastructure---specifically strip clubs that double as bridge supports
Fundamentalist Christian church leaders who pray to God instead of trying to play God
An end to arrogance
Candy
And if I can't get that, I'll settle for the opportunity to release one wikileak. But it's gotta be, like, a really juicy one.
Sincerely,
Bill in Portland Maine
Proud American-flag Lapel Pin Wearer
And Very Very Good Little Boy
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Note: Here's our posting schedule for the rest of the week and beyond:
Today: No C&J unless it happens via immaculate conception [Update: Wow---it's a miracle!!!]
Tomorrow: A Very Special Regular C&J As Usual
Friday evening: Join us sometime between 7:15 and 8 EST for our traditional A Very Special C&J Christmas Eve Bean Supper and Nudeblogging.
Monday: A Very Special Absence of C&J
Tuesday-Friday: A Very Special Look Back at 2010 Through the Eyes of a 46 Year-old Child.
Rum balls will be served. And peas will be flicked.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til 2011: 10
Days `til the San Diego Tango Festival: 8
Size of the average U.S. household in, respectively, 1960 and 2010: 3.3 / 2.6
(Source: Time)
Average amount taxpayers will save next year because of the new tax package Obama signed Friday: $3,000
(Source: AP)
Number of Friday the 13ths in 2011: 1 (May)
Percent of shopping mall and party Santas who think that children "lie when they say they've been good": 54%
(Source: Harper's Index)
Percent chance that if you haven't got a penny a hay penny will do: 89% (Up from 86% last year)
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 171 (including 4 Global Turmoils and 1 TSA miracle). Soul Protection Factor 6 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Octomom x 2 + 1
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C...[Grabs new pen]...H...[Grabs new pen]...E...[Grabs new pen]...E...[Grabs new pen]...R...[Grabs new pen]...S to signin' on the dotted line. Three-hanky ALERT! This morning at 9:15, President Obama signs the legislation that transfers control of the 'Don't ask, don’t tell' policy from the Legislative to the Executive branch for a proper, if not speedy enough, burial. I've been out of the closet for 18 years, and this insulting and badly-managed policy (built upon "research" that was utterly bogus, let's not forget) has been in place for the last 17 of them. Seventeen years of quiet and not-so-quiet seething---day after day, hour after hour. Probably shaved a few years off my life with all that stewing. And now it'll be interesting to go through the process of un-seething. There are still other GLBT battles left to fight, but as of this morning at 9:15 we'll be a lot more equal than we were between 1776 and 9:14. Two snaps and Hooah to that, baby.
P.S. Please forgive the salty language, but...by a unanimous vote, asshole Mitch McConnell wins a spot in the assholiest wing of the Asshole Hall of Shame. And Joe Lieberman gets a gold star for putting a firecracker in it.
CHEERS to Wednesday wassailing. With apologies to O Tannenbaum:
O John McCain! O John McCain!
How violent is thy temper
O John McCain! O John McCain!
How violent is thy temper
You slam the gays and immigrants
And mistletoe wilts from your rants
O John McCain! O John McCain!
How violent is thy temper
Best sung in the voice of Montgomery Burns.
CHEERS to firing the STARTing pistol. Looks like there'll be another big victory for President Obama today as the Senate, having overcome a filibuster threat, votes to ratify the treaty with Russia that will continue bringing our respective nuclear arsenals down to levels that are no longer cataclysmic, but merely insane. 67 is the magic number they need, and I predict it'll be closer to 85. Only the truly lost among the Senate's members will cast a vote that says, in essence, "Having the capacity to only blow up the world 30 times instead of 50 times makes us look weak. No deal!" And that, kids, is why it's bad to sniff turpentine in the garage when your dad's not lookin'.
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man. Bluegal at Crooks and Liars asks: would YOU prepare, let alone eat, pancakes made with beer and brown-sugared bacon?
Yes!!!!!
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
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CHEERS to the Meeting of the Titans. Sixty nine years ago today---two weeks after America was attacked at Pearl Harbor---President Roosevelt met with British Prime Minister Churchill in Washington, D.C. (the Arcadia Conference) to plot their strategy against Germany and Japan. They came up with the following plan:
>> Declare war on Canada
>> Send too few troops to the field of battle
>> Let lawless private mercenaries do much of the heavy lifting
>> Allow companies formerly run by the vice president to win no-bid contracts and rake in obscene profits while providing shitty services
>> Ask for no sacrifice from the people and tell them to go shopping instead
>> Don't give the troops the equipment they need to win battles and protect themselves
>> Taunt the enemy by telling them to "Bring it on!"
>> Allow wounded troops to wallow in mildew and filth at military hospitals
>> Botch the reconstruction
>> Cut taxes at the same time
>> Leave office in disgrace six years later having failed to finish the job
The rest, as they say, is history.
JEERS to stinkin' up the joint. Yesterday at the United Nations a foul odor caused an evacuation. They discovered that the bitter nutty smell was a problem related to the sewage system, but only after first sweeping the area to make sure John Bolton hadn't wandered in.
CHEERS to purty li'l twinklin' thangs. On December 22, 1882, Edison Electric VP Edward Johnson unveiled the first string of Christmas lights in his living room. Then he got a look at his neighbor's yard and all he could do was weep.
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Five years ago in C&J: December 22, 2005
JEERS to creationism and its ugly step-cousin, intelligent design. Because, according to a federal judge appointed by President Bush, it's a bunch of hogwash. So all you fundies in Dover and elsewhere who want to sink your fundy tentacles into our public schools: stick that in your Virgin Mary grilled cheese sandwich and eat it. (But I'll still pray for your hypocritical souls. Don't ask me why.) [12/22/10 Update: The "Jesus rode a dinosaur" crowd can build all the creationism theme parks they want, but after this ruling they'll never have a leg to stand on in court again. Amen and...ay-men.]
CHEERS to the Man of the House. Representative John Dingell of Michigan just marked 50 years in the House of Representatives. U.S. News and World Report notices he has quite a way with words:
He's...one of the few who can break up the dreadful bureaucracy-speak with folksy sayings like "That's about as useful as side pockets on a cow" and "Madder than a boiled owl." [One of] our faves: "He's so crooked, they will have to screw him into the ground," a comment Dingell made after one such politician had just died.
Saaaa...lute!
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And just one more...
CHEERS to the perfect gift for the jerks in your life. We'll return to our blogging goodness after this brief message:
Hello, friends. This holiday season, it's important to remember all the wonderful people in your life who have been good to you this year. A kind word here, a thoughtful gesture there...they help make living in these uncertain times more hopeful and joyous.
At the same time, it's also important to remember those bastards and jerks who lied, cheated, swindled, insulted, extorted, threatened and otherwise crapped all over you in 2010. And America's coal industry will be there to help you express your disappointment and disgust, just as we have been for over a century.
For the CEO who cancels employee bonuses except for the senior executive staff.
For the health insurance provider who makes your life a living hell of paperwork, denials, and endless hoops to jump through.
For the neighbors who backed over your tulips and then denied it, even though the tire marks in your garden matched their Hummer's.
For the cop who gave you a ticket for going two miles-an-hour over the speed limit while the driver in front of you was going much faster and texting.
For your sister-in-law who constantly sends you emails questioning the president's citizenship.
For the "friendly, at-your-service" loan officer who promised to work with you on refinancing your mortgage while secretly foreclosing on your property behind your back.
For the office brownnoser who stole your idea and used it to snag a promotion.
For everyone on your list who made your life miserable this year, there's only one holiday gift you can rely on to adequately say, "Suck on this, ya big jerk!" So call now and order some dirty, toxic coal. One glance at that lump of bituminous blackness and they'll get your message loud and clear.
Available in lignite, flame coal, gas coal, anthracite, coke and---for the really nasty peckerheads---coal fly ash slurry. Order today and we'll even pay for the shipping.
Coal: when you're pissed-off enough to send the very worst.
This message brought to you by the Holiday Coal Consortium, conveniently located next to that mountain over there with the top blown off. Wishing you and yours a holiday filled with glad tidings of mercury and joy!
Oh, and you should also send some to people who say, "Have a nice day!"
Have a nice day! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"You can watch C&J'ers diffuse outwards from a kiddie pool, tackle jagged surface like a viscous fluid or flow from a funnel."
---New Scientist
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